


And They Were Room Mates?

by EmilyWritesStuff



Series: The Wilds College AU [1]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fluff and Smut, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Toni and Shelby are med students, just pure angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:40:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 52,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28652145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyWritesStuff/pseuds/EmilyWritesStuff
Summary: Rating varies M-E, I will try to mark all E rated chapters in the comments so they can be skipped if needed.Toni Shalifoe wanted one thing in college; to keep her head down. Pass her exams and keep Coach happy... Maybe meet a few cute girls. That all comes crashing down when she meets her Christian roommate who may genuinely drive her to the brink of insanity.With each girl trying to irritate the living hell out of the other more and more Toni and Shelby have to figure out just what the hell more is.Gay angst for you all.The characters in this fic are 18-21 years of age, and this obviously is an AU, just using outstanding characters for separate story.
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: The Wilds College AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129055
Comments: 399
Kudos: 1160





	1. Shelby Fuckin' Goodkind

**Author's Note:**

> Rating varies M-E I will mark all E rated chapters in comments so they can be skipped if needed. 
> 
> Wow, so I've been gone a decade. But life got in the way. However, as a high-risk pandemic baby, I have more free time than anyone would ever wish for, to kill. So buckle up for some questionable queer literature my friends. If you want to find me I'm under the user gay-art-vibes on tumblr. This work is a quick present to a friend but I figured I'd make it public, enjoy.
> 
> I will post daily, then may slow pace after that (or speed up who the hell knows?)
> 
> The characters in this fic are 18-22 years of age, and this obviously is an AU, just using outstanding characters for separate story.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Look What You're Doing To Me by Banks & Francis and The Lights

Toni tried to kick all the dirt off from her tattered vans onto the doormat below. Trekking mud into shared accommodation is hardly a great ‘nice to meet you’ statement. Then again, she didn’t really believe the introduction would be nice by any means.

 _First day of college._ She willed herself to feel the excitement she knew she should.

Hand on the door she edged it open, barely managing to maintain her grasp on the one gym bag stuffed with every belonging she possessed.

“Oh silly! Let me help you with that!”

She steeled her gaze as her ears were bombarded with the deepest Southern twang her Minnesotan ass had ever heard.

“I’m good.” Toni kept her gaze firmly on the floor and noted the heels- _God damn pink heels_ \- that the girl wore.

**_Fuck._ **

“We were just leavin’!” A man’s voice with an equally stomach-churning twang called out. “Don’t have too much fun Shelbs, and remember, if I can’t be there to answer your call and hear you then-”

"God always can!”

_Oh, fuck my life with a chainsaw._

Toni looked up just fast enough to catch the two blonde adults waltzing out of the room. With a huff, she threw the bag under the empty bed on the right, jumped onto it, and closed her eyes. She was rooming with a Stepford housewife.

“Do you want some help with your other stuff ‘nd all?”

Though her eyes were shut they rolled at the fake ass sentiment of help.

“This is my stuff.”

“I mean your other stuff like your blankets and whatnot, or are your parents bringing it up?”

_Nope. Not today._

Toni opened her bag, grabbed a caramel denim jacket, and put her headphones on as she walked straight back out that haunted passage to the underworld. Everything was perfectly fricken splendid.

_Food. Food would cure this._ She rattled the change in her pocket as she stared up at the burger stand, her eyes watering at that unholy student pricing.

“And what can I get you, mam?”

“Mam.” Toni scoffed.

“Yeah, you don’t look much like a ‘Mam’ but company policy and all. What will it be?”

Toni might just like this girl. Her cargo shorts screamed ‘are these company policy or am I a massive lez?’ “Fries will do.”

“Fries it is.” She handed the greasy portion of potatoes to the girl and wiped her brow. “I’m Dot by the way.”

“Toni.”

The brunette wandered aimlessly for thirty minutes, telling herself she was exploring when, well, she was totally bloody lost. Her feet burned from the worn soles on her boots in this crazy Californian heat and suddenly her scholarship wasn’t the golden ticket out of her hell hole of a life they’d made it sound to be.

As she rounded back her eyes laid upon the entirely packed food court, her mind summing up if it was worth sitting among the masses or hiding behind a tree. Gaze settling upon the now cold potatoes in front of her she looked for a space in the zoo of college animals.

“Shit.” Mumbling under her breath Toni sat her ass down firmly in the only available seat next to some high school cheerleader looking bimbo who sat with the smallest portion of salad known to man.

The girl looked up, momentarily meeting her gaze with a furrowed brow and confusion that all too quickly turned into some freakily over-exaggerated smile.

“And here I was thinking you hated me.”

_Oh dear Lord, not that southern voice. Shit, why didn’t I look at the girl back in the room? Fricken karma man._

“No free seats.” She proceeded to stuff the grimly cool fries into her mouth as fast as humanly possible.

The blonde looked around as pain clouded her vision before, oh, there it was again, that prize-winning smile.

“I see.”

Toni pushed the last chip into her mouth and stood, a lanky body hitting into the back of her with force. “Fuck, watch where the fuck you’re going!”

“Toni?”

She looked up and met the smug smile of her ex-girlfriend. “Fatin? See you took the leap at Cali too.”

“Eh, good ball scholarships. As long as you’re not captain again all will be well.”

Toni punched her in the arm. “Seriously when the hell did you decide you were coming up here?”

“Saw your ass on the recruitment page and decided I may as well follow a pal. Plus it’s tanning season and I’ve met at least 5 boys I’d like to meet real personally. Let them show me around perhaps.”

“Ah yes, the guided tour of Fatin’s vagina.”

“Shut the hell up dude. Accurate though.”

Toni had once tried to hold Fatin down in a relationship. It lasted all of two weeks before they broke up. Though, they were freshly out sixteen-year-olds and knew few other queer people, cementing their bond as ‘we used to fuck’ pals. One odd perk to the queer community was befriending an ex here and there, uniting them into your gay ass troop.

“Have you met your roommate yet? Is she hot?” A wink was shot in Toni’s direction as the girl sitting next to them- apparently eavesdropping- stood up.

“Hey! I’m Shelby Goodkind!” A Hand was shoved in Fatin’s direction.

She returned the shake before turning to Toni.

“If you need to get away you’re welcome to crash in my bed Shalifoe.”

Before Shelby could get too offended the girl darted, following in the trail of some attractive frat bro.

Toni took that as her getaway cue also, leaving to try and suss out her class schedule for tomorrow:

**Anatomy with Dr. Patel Room 2 A East Wing**

**Biology with Dr. Foster Room 18 D East Wing**

**Basketball with Coach Treyan in the Trevor MConna Sports Hall**

_Not too bad. I’ll have plenty of time to chill before ball practice._

As she opened the door she took a breath in knowing the girl couldn’t have beat her pace back. Then again perhaps demons could teleport. She shuddered at the prospect.

Toni unzipped her bag and unpacked her few CD’s. The clothing she folded and neatly packed into draws before chucking her tattered teddy on her bed, under the covers away from prying eyes. Tonight she’d grab her textbooks. With what they’d cost her she’d be burning them for fire after leaving this place as the things had left her entirely broke until that next scholarship deposit came in.

Shaking her jacket off she stared down at a crumpled photo before sitting that in her top draw also.

Two draws. Toni Shalifoe could fit her life into two small ass draws. Now that’s some real minimalist living shit right there. She was ready for that tiny house life instagrammer’s swooned over. _Sign me the hell up._

Two girls stood giggling in the hallway, the brunette shoved her headphones on and turned her music on full, rolling over and zoning out from those who wished to disturb her peace. _Shelby_. The name bit at her tongue and she groaned. Of course. Because her life hadn’t been shitty enough without the presence of some bible bashing southerner.

Toni didn’t normally care about religion. But white Christian southerners didn’t normally live up to the true components of Christianity. Most of them preached hate, violence against those who didn’t fit their ideals. They were modern-day colonizers. Everyone needed to conform to them or be wrong, have their rights or lives torn away; a fact Toni had dealt with too many times to count as one of few out kids. Luckily her town was pretty Left-wing.

Fuck that. Toni was awesome. Gay people are awesome, and they’re loved by anyone who has spent enough time reading, learning, and absorbing other values to leave their bigoted mindset behind. Toni’s mom was always left-wing. Though then again, she’d have agreed with anyone right-wing with enough booze or drugs in her system.

Come 5 pm She rolled over and sat on the edge of her bed, palms rubbing her eyes as she tried to wake up. Plane trips weren’t kind to anyone.

As the blur from her vision eased her roommate came into view. A tentative wave passed her way. The girl was yet to prove she was an ass. A wave back, however? Too inviting.

A barely registrable nod was passed back in Shelby’s direction as Toni gathered her stuff into her jacket pockets and left.

“Your books aren’t in.”

“What does that fucking mean?”

“Shockingly? It means your books aren’t in. Come Back in one weeks time, we have a slight delay on a handful of the med student's textbooks. They’ll be here soon though.”

“I need them tomorrow damn it! What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“I’d say make friends but that doesn’t really feel like your vibe.”

Toni read the name badge of the girl in front of her. “Well… Leah, that’s unhelpful as shit.”

She whirled and intentionally knocked over the counter display as she left, willing anyone to try her.

Leah passed a look to the tall guy who stood next to her. “Well, I’m certainly not cleaning that up. I’m taking my break.”

“But we don’t get breaks h-”

Toni Swung the door open in rage throwing her stuff to her bed. “Fuck!”

“I take it the Lord hasn’t been kind to you today?”

Toni scoffed. “No the lord put me on a spit roast as a kid and let me live my life in fucking flames. ‘The Lord’. Fucking hell.”

“Whatever it is we don’t need to cuss about it.”

Toni grabbed a marker from her pencil case and began to draw a line on the carpet.

“That’s school property! What in the Lord's heavens are you playing at!”

“Stay on your side.” Toni made sure the line started at the wall and trailed to the door. “Everything stays on your side. Your voice, your Jesus spiel, your shit, EVERYTHING. Got it bible girl?”

“But-”

“But I literally don’t give a shit.”

“I was just gonna say the shower is on my side. I don’t want to assume how you like to live but I’m guessing you probably don’t want to stink the dorm out like meat in 100-degree heat.”

Toni groaned and reached for her phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving.”

Once again slamming the door, she sunk down against the wall outside and started to count back from 100 as she called Fatin.

“Please pick up. Fuuuuck.”

“Hello hoe, you’ve reached the phone of this cool bitch.”

“Ugh, can I stay with you? Please. Justforlikeonenight.” She rushed the words out.

“Sure texting you my room details now.”

“And your roommates cool with it yeah?”

“Nora, you cool with a friend crashing here for one night? She’s escaping the devil.”

A laugh was followed by ‘Sure thing.’ in the distance.

Handily Fatin’s roommate Nora was bi, and more than understood the need for a night's stay in their room away from that whole mess. Toni curled up on the floor after realizing Fatin’s extravagant limbs in a single bed didn’t leave room for herself. This would be a long ass year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


	2. Piss me off in the morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Enemies by Lauv.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post a couple more of the chapters today, one in the AM and one in the PM. Sending an air hug to my US readers today, I hope things calm down politically for you all soon. As for my fellow UK folk, stay safe guys. I'll be introducing a slight Fatin/Leah storyline in a later chapter also, as this is written as a gift to a friend I'm including both ships they love.
> 
> As always I'm on tumblr under the username gay-art-vibes

With morning came the crap realization that Toni needed her shit. Yesterday's shirt smelt horrific, and her food hall card remained in a wallet under her shirts.

However, today whatever Lord, Shelby preached about seemed to be on her side, as her roommate was well and truly gone. Toni pushed her luck and fit in a shower before realizing she was late, panicking, and pegging it to the library in her baggy jeans and a loose-fitting cropped band tee. 

“Hi.” She pulled out her list from her pocket, trying to straighten out the crumbled edges. “The highlighted books I’m missing, the shipment is late and I need them for class today.”

“Miss?”

“Shalifoe.” 

“Miss Shalifoe, I would suggest next time there’s a mass shortage on a book you come to see ourselves immediately. The vultures took to those within the first hour of arrival. There is one copy we keep on hand you are welcome to use for reference in the library; but you are the tenth student I have said that to today; so good luck setting eyes on that one either. I suggest you find a friend and share. If you don’t have one; make one.”

Toni pulled her list back and shoved it firmly into her pocket. Great.

  
“You’re late miss…”

“Shalifoe. Toni. Toni Shalifoe.”

“Get your book out and take a seat.” 

“I don’t have my book. It's not my fault like, at all, I went to get it yesterday an-”

“No need to panic I’ve been made aware of the shortages, take a seat next to miss..”

His eyes fixed upon- oh dear God, no.

“Shelby Goodkind, Sir.”

Sir and a hair flip. Jeez, could she flirt with him more?

Toni hid her smirk as she saw that finally the girl looked mildly pissed off by her presence. 

“Yes, Miss Goodkind, if you could share with Miss Shalifoe for the next week please.”

“Certainly Sir.”

Well, this day just got a whole tonne worse.

  
Three things Toni knew now about the girl was:  
1)Her notes were impeccable. Her I’s were dotted with damn hearts of all things, and her handwriting was this cutesy curvy scrawl. Toni’s was barely legible; just how she liked it.   
2)She was drenched in this damn perfume that smelt like vanilla and flowers and all things she stood to hate. The girl smelt like a god damn pastry.  
3)Toni bugged her. Though she plastered on a fake ass grin, between those smiles momentarily changes in her face showed just how much the brunette pissed her off. And that is the one fact about Shelby, Toni actually liked.

“Could you stop moving the book please?” 

“I just need to see the diagram from the right angle jeez.”

“Back in Texas, we have this wild thing called manners where we ask.”

“Fuck you.” 

Toni spent the rest of the class refusing the use of Shelby’s book, and brilliantly that just seemed to piss the southerner off more. Handily, Toni had an eidetic memory. After reading the pages a few times over she already knew enough of what the first pages said, and while the image would only be with her for an hour or so, that would cover her ass until the end of class.

  
“Miss Shalifoe, who was the doctor who presented the study of Basic Anatomy of the Female Form at Harvard in 1924?”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her roommate’s smug smile as she refused to turn to the page Toni needed. “Dr. Riddley Miles Sir.”

“Correct.” He smiled up at her before continuing. 

Shelby had all but curled into a heap over the book next to her in an attempt to hide her annoyance. 

  
As soon as the seminar was over she was out the door as quickly as humanly possible, making her way to her next class that was thankfully missing a certain blonde. 

“Hey. Fry girl!”

There in the second row sat Dot, however. Dot who turned out to be a crazy funny breath of fresh air in the torment of the girl's mind. 

“I can’t believe I even got a better roommate than you. My roommate lives in the shower and eats all my damn food, that I PAY FOR. Food is expensive as shit I’m not working 4 jobs to feed that bitch, I'm not rolling the dice though. She's tidy at least and lets me blast my music. However, maybe you want to roll those dice; sooner than later Toni.” 

“Maybe you should start leaving seriously out of date milkshakes and shit behind. Nothing scares a girl straight like a bit of botulism. I'm not rolling any dice; I am not letting a dumb ass girl kick me off of my own turf. It's my room. She can leave.” 

“You know what? That’s actually not a bad idea. Let me know how that goes, she doesn't sound like the kind to get up and leave either.” 

“Right? You learn a lot of handy shit growing up in foster care, and we'll see. I give her a week tops.”

“I just grew up with an addict for a dad and hell knows that taught me very few important life skills other than how to care for a full-grown adult. I did however learn how to sleep rough by the age of 12.”

“Shit I had that one down too.”

“Plenty of cardboard-” 

“Right! That shit insulates, and if you have enough you can outwit those disgusting anti-homeless spikes. Fuckin’ barbaric this world we live in. How is anti-homeless architecture even a thing? Damn rich white people, I’m telling you."

“Fuck white people, we suck ass.”

“You’re not that bad, just don’t tell me you’re a republican or I take that shit back. Automatic compliment return that.”

“Gladly not, though if I ever am please send me to the psychiatric ward, fuck knows I hate it there but I sure would need it for that.”

  
“Hey, text me by the way, I’m working most days, and nights actually, but occasionally I’m up for a good time!”

“You’ve got it. See you around D.”

  
There are many ways in which someone does not want to enter their apartment. To the voice of your insane roommate's singing is high up on that damn list. Shelby’s voice was soft when she sang, slightly masking the Texan accent that filled her every word. 

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path-”

“Oh, God.” 

Toni put her headphones on and laid on her bed refusing to let the singing distract her peace, yet even minutes later with her music blaring she could still hear the surprised squeal of the southern girl.

Peeling them from her ears she shot her a confused glare. “What Texas?” Toni automatically dropped her eyes at the sit of her in a towel and moved her gaze back to her book. 

“I thought you didn’t have your textbooks yet.” She sniped. 

“I don’t, some people actually read for fun and there’s this wild thing called a library?”

Shelby gathered up her clothes quickly retreating into the bathroom. “God is testing me, I will pass.” She muttered under her breath in the distance. 

“God is not testing you!” The brunette shouted through the door right back. “He doesn’t exist.”

Shelby traipsed back through, fully outfitted in pink, bejeweled Victoria's Secret sweatpants and a white vest top, because OBVIOUSLY, she shopped there. “You know-”

Toni cleared her throat.

“What?” 

Toni pointed a finger towards her toe. “You’re trespassing Texas, and we all know how 'y'all' are with protecting borders.”

Shelby flung herself on her bed not even bothering to put the smile back where it always hung as if pained on. 

“If you ever want to come to Church with me you’re welcome. God knows you could do with a bit of-”

“A bit of what Texas.”

“Love.”

“Oh fuck off.”

“And stop calling me Texas my Momma named me Shelby.”

Toni grabbed her things and walked towards the shower. 

“Oh, so you can cross the line?”

“Suck my dick Texas.”

Shelby was awfully taken aback by that one. Perhaps more bodily cuss words were the way to go from now on. After all, Shelby was to be a doctor, so Toni would only be helping her linguistic skills.

  
Toni dried her hair and pulled on her boxer shorts and sports bra. Maybe a bra would wig the girl out but she had slept in the exact same sleepwear for the past decade and to hell was she changing it now. 

Shelby visibly shrunk as Toni walked back in, still toweling her wet curls. Great, wigged her out. Toni actually took pride in this. Making straight girls feel this uncomfortable purely by existing is an art form, and she was getting not so straight A’s in it. 

“I’m not going to bite you, you know. Holy water kills vampires and I’m sure you’re full of it.”

“You don’t have a dick by the way, so your question is redundant.” 

“You say your prayers with that mouth?”

Shelby climbed under the covers and shut her eyes. 

“Plus how do you know I don’t?” Toni shoved her music on full volume, the noise of it spilling out of her headphones.

Minutes later a tap on her shoulder made her jump for her life. “Jeez, fuck didn’t anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on people. You could get stabbed or some shit.”

“You said you didn’t want to hear my singing across you’re stupid line, that means I don’t got to be hearing that dang music of yours. I want to sleep.”

“Just to clarify Greta Van Fleet isn’t ‘Dang music’, it’s art.”

“Well then please turn your art the heck down.”

“You know heck is just as bad as fuck right? It’s just that fuck became big in rap music, and white people found it too aggressive and marked it ‘violent’ and ‘inappropriate’ like they do with everything in non-white culture, so heck is just as bad as fuck, probably worse as you’ve deluded yourself in thinking its ‘god worthy’ language, even more condemning that ‘Christian’ team you’re batting for.

Shelby didn’t reply to that. In fact, her frown contorted as if she was going to reply before moving to pull the covers over her head; the lump of duvet slowly rising and falling with her angered breaths.

Another day another modern-day colonizer outwitted. 

  
The morning came with it the sound of Shelby’s stupidly high power toothbrush brimming through the walls, almost so strong an earthquake could be felt. Toni spooned her pillow, groaning into the plush fabric. Shit she hated mornings. 

“You’re going to be late you know.” This time Shelby had gotten dressed in the bathroom. Lord forbid she waltz around her gay roommate in a towel again. 

“I’m not, how would you even know that.”

Shelby stopped momentarily, frozen by the slight crack in Toni’s low morning voice. 

“We have a class together. In Ten minutes. You are.”

Toni reached for her phone and checked the timer. “God damnit.” 

“No need to take the Lord's name in vain that won't make him help you out with this situation.”

“God’s never helped me out with any fucking situation.” Toni pulled a top out and with her back to Shelby changed her bra before shoving on a basketball tank and shorts for practice after.

She picked up the toothbrush and brushed her teeth, then grabbed her stuff. Toni was incredibly low maintenance, 3 minutes was enough time to get up and beat Shelby -who was sat curling her hair still- out that door.

“I wouldn’t get there too fast you’re sharing my book remember!”

Toni audibly groaned. She could not with this girl.

  
Basketball practice came around painfully slow. Painfully. But once there Toni was free, free of all that shit, that annoying girl with her perfect hair and stupidly perfect voice belting Jesus ballads. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


	3. Knee Him In The Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:
> 
> Whisky Fever by Dorothy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra chapter as it's Sunday and I have way too much time to kill. Back to one daily after this. Enjoy your weekend guys. I apologize for the constant use of 'fuck' 'shit' and 'damn' in this but well, It's Toni Shalifoe.

  
The ball glided through the net with the breeze and swoosh Toni had grown to love.

“Keep it up Shalifoe and you’ll be leading for that captain spot.” Coach clapped her on the back with a force that briefly knocked the wind out of her.

“Sure thing Coach.”

Toni smiled smugly, proud to be conquering her turf again. Ball for her wasn’t just a game of passing and dribbling. It was a release, somewhere to free herself of that anger without repercussion… unless she fouled. Which she had a habit of doing.

Coach Treyan was in her early thirties, a tight ponytail sat on her head and her shorts screamed fuck I’m gay. It brought Toni a sense of comfort, male coaches often got in her face and she wasn’t one to get on with guys, let alone domineering men who didn’t get boundaries. Coach Treyan was one reason Toni prioritized California as her priority choice. The coaches at her other offers had certain… reputations for being utter dicks. Coach Treyan was tough as nails, but she respected her players. They were a team after all. 

In the distance a group of burly guys strolled in ready for the guy's practice, their personal cheer-leading posse hanging from their arms, uniforms screaming female repression. Toni rolled her eyes. Because we didn’t strive for feminism to end up with that.

Toni shot her hoop, clearing it in a breeze to the hollering of her teammates. 

“Nice one Shalifoe!” Fatin winked at the girl as she took the ball in hand.

“Awesome shot, I’m Martha by the way.” 

“Toni.”

Toni’s eyes wandered to the bleachers where the blonde wave sat, stretching their legs. Shelby. OF course. Of fucking course. She’s a fucking cheerleader. Their gazes met and Toni zoned out. That stupid fucking skirt and that hair-sprayed hair? Jeez. 

Before the brunette could regain her thoughts the pain of a strong hit to the cheek knocked her to the ground; the ball like a cannonball to the face. 

“You ‘Ite Shalifoe? Fuck that was a whopper.” Fatin put her hand on her back. 

“Just fucking leave me be Fatin.” Toni ripped her jersey off and used it to wipe her sweat as she stormed to her water, counting back from 100 from her spot on the floor off court. 

“Shalifoe get your ass back in the game!”

Toni swallowed her rage. “Yes, coach.” “Fucking idiots.” She muttered under her breath. 

This time Martha fed her the ball she easily sunk it. “Lucky shot Shalifoe. Sure you’ll miss the next.” 

“Who the fuck are you anyway?” Toni squared up to the boy waiting to get on the court. 

“Just someone who knows a lezza when he sees one.” 

“Get out of my fucking face.”

“Or what? You’ll cry to your lezza coach.” 

That was it. That was the snap. Toni kneed him in the crotch, the ball falling to the floor. “Fucking dyke.”

“Next time it’s your face dick head.” 

“Shalifoe!” 

Shit.

“Get the hell off my court. Come back tomorrow with a better attitude.”

“But-”

“I don’t care what you have to say. You’re on scholarship and you’re here to be a part of a team. If you carry on like that you won’t have a team to be on. Do that on the courts in-game and you’re looking at a ban. Is it worth it? Is your anger worth losing your future over?”

Everyone was staring. Eyes like lasers zoned in on Toni as the jerks behind her chuckled. 

“Fuck this.” Toni grabbed her bag, throwing the strap over her shoulder as she left.

“Stop staring and finish the damn game girls. Or you can join Shalifoe out that door for today.”

  
Toni slammed the door to her room, hot tears streaming down her face. “Fuck!” She hit the cupboard, the shitty thin wood of it caving in leaving her knuckles bloody with splinters. 

Curling up on the floor by the bed she cried for half an hour, not bothering to count or calm. She didn’t deserve calm. 

The door creaked beside her and Shelby walked in, Toni scrambling to stand with her back to the girl, gathering a change of clothes. 

“Toni-”

“Leave me the fuck alone Shelby.”

Toni wandered into the shower, turning it up too high and feeling the heat prickle at her skin.

Outside Shelby stood paralyzed. Because what the heck was she to do. The girl was like a dang bomb and didn’t want any help, Shelby knew if she pushed her the girl would just blow up at her. But why was she stood here wanting her to blow up at her? More than anything else Toni had just used her actual name and what the holy heck was that feeling deep in her stomach. 

  
Toni pounded at the shower wall. Letting her forehead lean into the cool of the tiles. “Fuck my life.” She felt the soap burning at her eyes as shampoo cascaded down her face. “Get it together damn it.”

She dried off, pulling on a pair of sweats and a crop top. Walking out of the room she ignored the blonde who was just sat annoyingly still, her cheer uniform still on her body. Toni gathered her basketball gear and jeans shoving them in her gym bag. 

“Ton-”

“I’m gonna go do some laundry. Do you need anything chucked in?”

Shelby tensed at the question because why the heck was she offering to help her do laundry.

Toni had spent most of her life in foster care, normally staying with 5 or 6 kids at a time, and usually, she was the oldest. Most of her foster parents were absent, and those she liked didn’t want her all that long. So, Toni was left to do all the chores. Offering to help with laundry was a habit she didn’t even think twice about. It was part of the only constant routine she had. 

“N.. No, I’m uh, I’m good. Thank you though.” 

Toni didn’t meet her eye and simply left, without a word or even a glance in the blonde's direction. 

  
She stayed out that night, hiding in stacks in the library reading a battered copy of Virginia Wolf’s ‘To the Lighthouse’. Literature was something Toni immersed herself in. A slow wave of calm in a realm far and distant from reality. Reality was hard, reality was a daily struggle that she knew would improve eventually, especially if she followed her dreams, but then again, reality was a harsh world that she didn’t wish to dwell upon. Books to Toni were like little portals feeding into her escapism mentality. Most city libraries would remain open at night, and when fighting with foster parents Toni would huddle between the stacks not just for an escape, but for the warmth, the comfort, and the safety. 

She entered at 2.30 in the morning, being careful not to make any noise with the door handle before curling up under covers, holding her bear tight. The bear was the only thing she had left of her mom; and whilst she hated the woman, the wrecked stuffed animal brought her a certain comfort.

“You’re in late.”

Fuck. 

Toni pulled her cushion over her head and waited for sleep to take her. Was she fuck talking to that girl.

Shelby dismissed the slap in the face at the lack of reply and stared at the girl wondering why the heck she ran so hot all the time. Why couldn’t she just have a normal roommate. A roommate with manors, maybe a Christian, or at least someone who respected her views. Toni was so closed-minded to everything but herself. God was testing her. He was testing her patience but Shelby was a pageant queen with a whole lot of that. So why was the girl grating on her last dang nerve? 

  
In the morning Toni awoke and her roommate was gone. She breathed a sigh of relief and took her time dressing before heading to class. She didn’t bother talking to Shelby during class. Shelby was acting weird, the kind of weird Toni was all too aware of. Either freaked out by her anger or sexuality. Knowing the girl beside her it was probably both. 

Toni glanced down at the book every now and again reading them and taking notes here and there. 

One thing she’d grown to be immensely annoyed by was the hand that shot up every few seconds in her peripheral vision. Shelby. Overzealous Shelby. Answering every damn question like the perfectionist she set out to be. Toni knew from how her gaze fell when a professor corrected her, or her frown settled when Toni answered something correctly without reference that Shelby was trying to please someone and it wasn’t herself. Fucking rich people. Always trying to be perfect to please their daddies and old white dudes. 

But what Toni really relished in was the fact Shelby was truly and utterly pissed. To anyone, you may miss it. To Toni? She could feel the girl seething beside her. So she continued to completely ignore the blonde, noting the tension in their shoulders that touched, her body rigid and pissed beside her. Bingo.

All her life she had taken pleasure in pissing people off. Mainly people like Shelby who liked to live in their fractured vision of perfection. It was a release seeing them finally crack, and boy did Shelby need a good cracking. 

“Toni do you need to borrow the textbook tonight? I’m up to date with the chapter and have my notes.” 

Toni took that as her cue to leave sweeping up her bag and heading to the cafeteria.

Sitting with the team she ducked her head avoiding their harsh glares from her outbreak yesterday.

“If you’ve got something to say just say it.”

“Honestly that prick deserved it.” Martha dipped her fry in the ketchup and shot her a smile. “I’m not gay but I’d of nutted the guy.”

Toni smiled at her, Fatin leaning to rest her chin on Toni’s Shoulder. 

“Hey, could you um, come with me to get my textbook later? I’m hoping maybe it came in early and I really need them.”

“And you need my support doing this why?” Fatin raised a brow knowingly.

Toni stirred her bowl of soggy cereal. “I may have pissed the girl who works there off. It wasn’t my fault though, they didn’t have my fucking books.”

Fatin chuckled. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Never your fault though Toni is it?”

“Look if you don’t want to help just say it. I just needed some moral fucking support is all.”

“I’ll go. But have another tantrum and I’m out dude, I have way too many people who hate me here already.”

“Fatin you’re popular as shit. Please.” 

“When you don’t call people back you build a reputation girl. There’s enough boys bitching at me for not calling them back and so-called ‘feminists’ who hate me for sleeping around.. which.. isn’t that like actually anti-feminist?” 

“People are dicks.”

“People are dicks.” Fatin nodded in agreement.

  
“Oh fuck no I’m not dealing with this.”

“Well, you’re a ray of fucking sunshine.” Fatin cast a look down at the girl's name tag. Leah.

“Ian, there’s a customer here for you.”

“I’m on a break.” 

“I didn’t think we got breaks Ian.”

“I’m on a fucking break Leah deal with it yourself.”

“Fuck.” She mumbled. “Hi. I’m Leah how can I help you today?” She rested her arms on the desk falsely grinning at the two girls who stood before her. 

“My friend needs her books.”

“They’re not in yet.”

“What do you mean they’re not fucking in yet!” Toni seethed before reeling it in at Fatin’s ‘cut the shit’ glare.

Leah simply rolled her eyes. “Look they’re not in. They could be another week, or two. We can’t do anything about that. It’s the supplier's fault and teachers are aware and have been told to chose a sharing partner for those unable to attain library copies. Do you have someone to share with?”

Toni grimaced. “I just want my fucking books is all.”

“And you will get them, they’re just a little late.”

Fatin leaned on the desk, her face not too far from Leah’s. “You’re sure there’s nothing we can do to speed this up.” Her hair twirled around her finger as her voice dropped causing her to audibly swallow before shaking herself out of whatever THAT was.

“No there’s nothing I can fucking do. And I had to stay late last night to clean up the stupid ass display your friend over here knocked down.” Leah was pissed and Fatin actually felt bad for the girl. “So no, I don’t own you any favors.” She moved off the desk and went to play with a display. 

“Looks like you’re just gonna have to share gal. Who did you get paired with?”

“Shelby.”

Fatin choked at the revelation. “Oh fuck you’re totally screwed.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Let me know how that one goes for you.”

“Oh piss off.”

“Nah you love me.”

Fatin met Leah’s gaze and shot her a quick wink before trailing Toni away. 

Great. Toni was stuck sharing with Shelby for two damn weeks. 


	4. The Shellfish Debacle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Lost covered by Jorja Smith
> 
> TW: Allergic reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've been painting today so all is good with the world. This chapter is extra angst but please be assured the next chapter is a happyish cool-off. Stay rad, keep reading that gay literature, and stay safe in the panny d. After a couple more chapters I'll be switching to Shelby's POV.

When Shelby awoke that morning it was to the harsh light of her roommate's crazily outdated laptop screen. Her alarm clock’s numbers burned into her irises. 4:15. Great.

“Toni, what in the Lord's name are you doing up this early.” Shelby’s normal Texan twang was masked by a sleep-induced scratchiness. 

The girl refused to meet her gaze but replied. “Looking for textbooks.”

Shelby was fairly hurt by the statement, she sat up trying to disturb the discomfort in her chest. “Borrowing and sharing mine not good enough for ya huh?”

“No offense,” Shelby braced herself because no non hurtful thing begins with ‘no offense’. “But no. I’m not sharing your damn book. Living with you is more than enough believe me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know your type Texas. Blonde, Christian cheerleader with a cross planted firmly up your ass. Little miss perfect and all.”

“The Lord loves me and he’d love you too if you just act like a normal person instead of being so dang hot-headed.”

“You know who clings to religion Shelby?” Toni slammed her laptop shut. “People who like to tell themselves a nice story about who they are.” She looked the girl up and down, assessing the blonde. “’Cause deep down they’re hiding some pretty fucked up shit.”

A tear ran down the blonde's face and she hastily wiped it away moving to pull on her t-shirt. 

“Fuck you, Toni.” Shelby grabbed her stuff and headed out, still wiping the tears running freely down her face. 

Toni raised a brow. She said fuck. Impressive Texas. 

  
The brunette didn’t let herself feel bad for the girl, not for days. Attempting to ignore her existence which annoyingly was a futile effort; Shelby was already blocking her out. 

Mornings Toni would wake to an empty bed beside her and a neatly folded blanket and cheer uniform pristinely sat on the bed. Sometimes Toni would move the blanket- just by a few inches- something so small that she knew would piss the girl off. Occasionally she’d rearrange her pillows out of spite knowing they had their own place and order. Slowly Toni pried away, day by day cracking that order in its entirety. 

After a few days, she stopped. 

Shelby- since their blow up- ceased smiling. Stopped raising her hand in class. The fake smile would be there among friends but Toni saw right through it. She hadn’t just cracked the order; Toni Shalifoe had finally broken the girl.

A fact that should bring a smile to Toni; make her feel triumphant because yes! Another dumb girl down. Yet the triumph never came; and instead, a weight of guilt held tight in the pit of her stomach, twisting her organs until she threw up.

Toni threw up a lot that week. Each morning she resided, hunched over by the toilet, occasionally punching the tiles next to the basin. Anxiety had lingered there most of her life but this was different. Her anxieties were caused by her fear for her future, her life, or where she would stay at night. Her anxieties were not reserved for Shelby fucking Goodkind. 

By day four- with the shell of the formerly, terminally peppy southern girl sat beside her- Toni knew she had to make some effort. They didn’t have to be best friends but Toni had to offer a branch just to keep her off that ledge. She didn’t know where she had pushed the southern blonde too, but she had the absolute fear of what would happen if she didn’t try to pull her back.

At lunch, Toni bought Shelby her usual; a small salad and a coke, placing it down on the table in front of her, to the confusion of Shelby’s gawking cheer friends. She simply walked away, leaving the small offering like kids do that believe in feeding the reindeer before Christmas. Salad and coke was Toni’s upmarket version of carrots.

The next day the same action earned a look from Fatin. “Why are you feeding the rich girl?” She pushed her own food towards the girl. “You need to eat and you’re spending all your lunch money on that?”

“I fucked up.”

Fatin nodded. “Hm, to be fair she does seem like the type of girl who needs to be a little fucked up.” Fatin jabbed in her direction with a fry. 

Toni picked a slice of tomato off Fatin’s plate and met Shelby’s gaze as she turned to look back. 

“Nah. She doesn’t deserve it.”

“Why the change of heart? Got a crush on your homophobic roommate?” 

“Shut the fuck up Fatin.”

“Chill Shalifoe, I’m just joking jeez. Running hot today?” 

“Suck my dick Fatin.” She yelled pushing from the table to leave, loud enough that the majority of the cafeteria was now staring. 

“Any day Shalifoe!” 

Toni held in a grin she walked away. Fatin had a way of chilling her down after pissing her off.

  
The next day Toni placed the food in front of Shelby, having had to substitute her normal as the damn cafeteria was out of Chicken. A salad it was, just slightly different from the girl's usual.

“Lord, is this a shellfish salad?” Toni rolled her eyes at the voice coming from the table next to her. Of course, she was a picky princess. 

Toni was pissed. She had spent her lunch money on the girl every day this week, and the one day she can't fulfill her every wish she gets called out. Fucking rich people. 

“You all right Shelbs?” 

Oh, Jesus of course the other princesses are joining in on the fucking havoc parade. 

“Jeez, she’s a picky bitch.” Dot took a swig of her Fanta and reached for a bag of Taki’s. 

“Yeah, my throats just a lil itchy is all.” 

“Shelbs your lips look kinda weird.”

Christ, they were dramatic. Maybe her leg will fall off next.

“Can yall look for my epi-pen? It should be in my bag.” Shelby’s words were kind of muffled.

Epi-pen? **_Oh_. Fuck.** That boulder of fear hit Toni with force.

The girls behind her were all flailing around aimlessly with fear. If Shelby wasn’t already fearing for herself, the girls around her were surely spurring it on with the A grade dramatics.

“Oh shit, she’s allergic?” Fatin’s eyes were wide and Toni knew she was well and truly fucked.

Rising from her seat she ran to Shalby and pulled her bag out, searching for the epi-pen after the girls around her failed to be helpful with literally anything.

Hands pried around the bag frantically but there was nothing in there. “Shelby. There’s a whole lotta lipgloss in here but no damn pen.”

“Toni take my car, the doctor on campus sucks, and the hospital is just up the road, honestly, probably faster to get there anyway.” Fatin chucked the keys at her. “I’ll explain to coach.”

Shelby’s breathing was heaving now, wheezing as if she couldn’t get enough air. “Help me carry her to the car.”

After they placed the girl in the car Toni drove like a maniac to get up the road, before pulling up right outside the hospital. Opening the door and now flailing in panic herself. “HELP!”

What looked like a junior doctor came out and called back immediately into the hospital seeing her state of unconsciousness. “What happened Mam?”

“Salad. Shellfish. Allergic.” 

“Have you given her any epinephrine Mam?”

“She didn’t have any on her.”

The doctors pulled Shelby onto the cart and wheeled her through doors Toni wasn’t allowed through. Just the brief mumblings of words like ‘anaphylaxis’, ‘shellfish’, and ‘bad’.

  
Toni lost track of just how long she sat on that waiting room chair; knees tucked to her chin, eyes red and scratchy. She wasn’t entirely sure where she went in her mind for the hours that passed but she remembered very little of her wait. 

“Thought you’d be here still.” Fatin handed Toni a bag of Taki’s and a coke. “Eat.”

“This is my fault Fatin. I poisoned my roommate. Oh God, what if she dies. Fatin what the fuck have I done. I’ve done some fucked up shit but holy crap I really screwed this up.”

“Did you know she was allergic?”

“No of course not dude. I wouldn’t have hurt her like that.”

“Then it’s not your fault. These things happen.”

“These things don’t just happen Fatin. Fuck she’s gonna hate my guts.”

“Doesn’t she already?”

Toni huffed at that. “Yeah.” She shook her head, ridding it of the piling mass of intrusive thoughts. “But not like this. She’s probably gonna move room and… fuck.”

“Would that be a bad thing though? You literally hate each other.” Toni looked away, her eyes watering. “You do hate her right?” Toni swallowed. “Fuck wait… do you like bible girl?”

Toni shook her head. “Of course I fucking don’t. But the next roommate could be even worse.” 

Fatin looked at Toni knowingly. Toni Shalifoe, resident hardass had a crush on her very straight, bible preaching roommate. God, she was fucked. 


	5. Players Only Love You When They're Playing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Bang by Andrea Di Giovanni  
> Dreams by Fleetwood Mac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Later on, I'll be adding more medical-based story text. For now, here's some angst. Yes, as a Brit I am still trying to wrap my head around the American college system, and googling what on earth Taki's actually are.

Toni awoke to the warmth of a blanket wrapped around her and a firm prod to her temple. Her eyes opened begrudgingly, neck cramping due to the chaotic angle she’d been spread across the plastic hospital chairs at.

“Shelby, fuck you’re ok? I didn’t mean to do this, like shit, had I of known I’d of never ev-”

“Toni,” Shelby sat next to her and rested her head on her shoulder. “I Know.” 

Shelby’s head was hot against Toni’s shoulder and for some reason, she didn’t want to kick the blonde out of her personal space bubble. 

“I’m sorry though I just thought-”

“Just thought you’d go without lunch and feed the church girl?”

“I didn’t, that’s not what, I-”

“Toni I’m messing with you, chill.”

Shelby’s face flushed and Toni thought perhaps, just maybe they could get along to a degree. Don’t get her wrong-Toni wasn’t picking out her dress for Sunday Church- but she did think she could ease up on the constant rage.

The next day started well, Toni and Shelby fell into a shower and study routine that didn’t anger one another. Shelby even brought Toni coffee- black like her soul according to the southern girl- which actually made Toni laugh. Shelby occasionally sat with her and Fatin in lunch periods that coincided, much to the confusion of any cheer girls waiting on the blonde. 

And that’s where it all came crumbling the hell down in under a 48 hour period. 

A leggy brunette wandered past the girls. “Maya? Girl, what the fuck are you doing here?” 

Toni visibly stilled opposite Shelby, her body solid as a rock, something Shelby noted immediately, assuming this was yet another girl her roommate had had a screaming match with. 

“Oh my god hi! Oh, fuck is that Toni? Hey.” Maya narrowed her eyes at the girl before beaming at Fatin. 

“You go here?”

“Yeah, cosmetology student!”

Of course, she was. Maya was perfect. The girl looked like Zendaya but stood at almost 6 foot, her curls perfectly hung over her shoulders. 

“Damn you’re looking good, the sun is treating you niiiiiiice.”

“Right! Though I have tan lines from hell.” 

“Same girl. Same.”

“I’m actually having a party if you guys wanna come?”

Toni played with her straw, ignoring Maya completely.

“Hell yes! You in girls?” 

A chorus of ‘yeah’ filled the air energetically. Cosmetology students always had the good booze. 

“Shelby, you’re coming with the cheer team right?” 

She beamed up at her. “Duh, would I miss that?” 

“Toni, you coming?” Maya raised an eyebrow, testing her. 

Toni drifted out of wherever the hell she'd gone. “Sure.”

“Cool! See y’all around.” She kissed Fatins cheek before leaving. 

“What the heck was that about?” Shelby laughed. God Toni hated pretty girls. 

“Toni and Maya used to fuck.” Fatin shrugged. 

Dot held her fingers up and mimed licking them.

The blonde spat her coke out. 

“Would you stop!”

The whole table stared at Shelby in shock. The girl's cheeks burning up like a furnace. 

“That was hilarious, and Shelby has no chill.” Dot laughed to herself. 

“I just don’t see the humor in that kind of thing.”

Toni felt her whole body tense and that shield of anger she knew all too well bubbling to the surface through the heat of her blood. 

“What do you mean that sort of thing?” Toni’s eyes hardened, growing darker by the second. 

“You know, pornographic gestures.” Her cheeks somehow flushed a deeper scarlet.

Toni’s stomach twisted inside her. 

“I’m a Christian from a super Christian home, so I’m allowed to be a little skeeved out.”

Toni shook her head. She knew what Shelby was getting at and it wasn’t about the fucking gestures.

“Get the cross out of your ass, it’s fun to be filthy!” Fatin waggled her brows.

The brunette was tired of sitting here among this pile of shit. She knew what Shelby meant, it was written all over her straight girl face. 

“I mean that’s not all that’s going on here right?” She pushed her food away. “Don’t bullshit me Shelby. Cause the vibe coming off you now I’ve felt a few too many times not to know what it is.”

The girls around them sat with their mouths hung open not sure what the hell was going on between the two.

“What are you saying, Toni?” Martha stared at her questioningly. Of course, no one else could see it. Of fucking course.

“I’m saying that she can’t stand that I’m gay Marty! That’s what fucking skeeves her out!” Toni stood grabbing her bag.

“That’s not true! Martha looked to Shelby waiting on a nod of confirmation; one that never came.

“Look I’ll be honest with you because y’all deserve that. I do believe that way of life is a sin.” Shelby folded her arms, eyes dropping to the table. 

“I can't fucking believe this.” Toni pushed the chair in with force. 

“I’m sorry, but everything that I’ve ever known has taught me that!”

Toni choked at how bigoted this posh ass girl was. 

“Hey look, there’s no hate in my heart. I just feel sorry that-”

“Fuck you.” Toni threw her coke across the table, pulled her hood over her head, and stormed out of the cafeteria. Hands weighted in the pockets of her denim jacket; balled tightly into fists.

The girls stared daggers at the blonde. Fatin scoffing at the remark.

Shelby twisted in her seat. “What, am I not allowed to have my own beliefs?”

“Not those ones.” Dot put her burger down and dusted the crumbs from her hands. 

By the time the party came around Toni was done, and ready to get totally trashed. She’d managed to avoid the girl since and was done with the ‘trying to help her’ shit. 

Fuck that bible bashing asshole. Loving someone wigs her out? What the fuck. Had Shelby of read that damn bible properly she would have found the gay verses. Not only that, had she have bothered to look into the original transcription she would have known that the church chose to change some of the original text during transcription from ‘Man and child’ to ‘Man and Man’ and why on earth would the catholic church would have done that? OH YEAH. That’s why. Twats. If you’re going to follow the damn bible follow that which is true and that which is modern. Love thy neighbor. What the fuck happened to that verse. Lost for all eternity to many apparently. Religion can be a good thing until people use it as armor to convey their hatred and bigotry.

Toni took a drink from Marty and swigged. Ew, vodka. Toni had spent too many shit mornings hungover because of vodka. She drunk again.   
Toni had dressed up for the first time here; at least, Toni's version of ‘dressed up’. Fatin had put her in a pair of cute blue skater jeans she stole from Leah, paired with a short black form-fitting cropped vest. Fatin had gone to the efforts of doing her eyeliner, waves hug loose over her neck, and were paired with a nude lipstick after Toni told Fatin to ‘put the fucking pink away.’ Fatin clung to the fact Toni was letting her do this and added a slight wing to the liner without her knowledge.

“You made it!” Maya embraced Fatin and smiled at the girls. “Help yourself to drinks and have fun bitches!”

Fatin grasped Toni and dragged her onto the dance floor. Toni could really dance, and the sound of Andrea De Giovanni’s ‘bang’ blared in the background; the bass filling her form. As she moved Toni saw Shelby staring at her, stood with her bleach blonde gang. Was she fuck dealing with that girl tonight. She was here to enjoy herself and was hell she going to let some straight girl crush her college experience. 

A girl with blue hair backed into her and she smiled swaying her hips. She was cute. Toni was somewhere else tonight, she didn’t know where but it wasn’t here. The girl's lips met her own and she kissed her back, moving to deepen it without giving it a second thought. The alcohol warmed her chest as the girl bit her top lip. Toni pulled her closer only to push her away again. She nodded at the girl cordially. 

Who the fuck does that? Did you just nod at her? What the fuck?

Toni last year would have already been in the bathroom with the blue-haired girl. She was cute. Yet her eyes roamed the room for a blonde that was no longer there. She was on the table in the corner of the room with some guy doing a shot off of her. Fuck this.

She made her way to the kitchen and poured a whisky. Mixing drinks in the first half-hour? Not a brilliant idea.

Shelby sat up and her eyes met Tony, hard and judging before reaching round a tall boys neck and pulling him into her. 

Toni dropped her cup, anger seething through her every bone as she walked to the toilet, shoving anyone that dared to stand in her way. This is why she hated parties with these kinds of people. They’re bitchy as fuck. 

She shut herself in and splashed her face, letting the cool water drench her skin. Toni didn’t want to be here, and right now she was pissed she didn't walk out and instead just went to the stupid ass bathroom. Now she was stuck here, trapped with the weight of leaving and everything that was happening; Shelby’s lips on that stupid guy’s.

The door swung open behind her because OF COURSE, she forgot to lock the damn thing. “Get the fuck out.” 

She turned to Shelby locking the door behind her. 

For fucks sake, what did this girl not get? 

Shelby stared her down at her until she felt like a soul stuck in a fucking malfunctioning shell of a body.

“My issues with whoever you are, or who you like it's not, like, I don’t hate you, Toni? You know that right?”

The audacity of this damn girl. “Yeah. You do though. I saw how when shit got just a bit too gay for you you got fucking skeeved out about it. The least you could do is own your fucking hate.”

Toni went to push past her but the blonde simply pushed her back against the sink and met her stare. 

“Jeez just calm down I just wanted to talk.”

Toni balled her fists. “I don’t give a shit about your conversion speech or whatever the high holy fuck is going on he-”

Shelby met the girl's lips with haste. Her top lip crashing against hers so hard she momentarily tasted blood. Without thinking Toni returned it, she tasted like fruity cocktails and all things pink. Her lips burned against her, heat returning to the pit of Toni’s stomach, her mind reeling at the intensity of thoughts as her roommate's tongue met her own. Toni’s knees began to give way and she rested a hand on the cheerleaders back only for her to pull away, eyes wide with shock, like she hadn’t fucking started it. Shelby touched a hand to her lips, looked like she was going to gag or wretch; some straight girl panic shit. 

Then she bolted. Well, that was a new one.

Toni didn’t go after her. She didn’t call or shout or follow. She’d been here before. Drunk straight girls at a party wanting their fix of momentarily playing with the tide for a story to tell their boyfriend to get him off. 

The only issue is before, it wasn’t her roommate. And before it wasn’t bible huggin’ Shelby Goodkind.

“Fatin,” She pushed past the sweaty crowd until she met the one head she could see over the entirety of the crowd. “Hey, can I crash at yours tonight?” 

A girl came up and kissed her neck, pulling the girl in tight. Leah. 

“Sorry, tonight's the one night I cant.” She turned to whisper “Kinda have… company… you know?” She offered a look of ‘oh you know’. “Is it desperate though because I can always change-”

“No, nah. No worries.” 

Toni offered a false smile and pulled on her jacket. All her shit was in the dorm room. Fuck.

She made her way to the nearest diner offering overnight service and paid with the change in her pocket; summing up just how many coffees… and time, it would buy her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


	6. Andrew Sucks Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:
> 
> In Too Deep by Sum41  
> Stuck by The Aces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to thank my American friend Miranda (who handily is a med student) for saving my ass and educating me on the American college system. My British ass will hopefully get a few things right now college system-wise, and I will now replace all mentions of a duvet with the word 'comforter'. Have a great day guys.

Warmth blared into her face, the florescent lighting in the diner warming her temple as her eyes bore into it, the halo of light burned into her retinas even after she moved her gaze. Fingers wrapped around her chipped mug as she brought the coffee to her mouth, tasting that homely cheap- and not so cheerful- liquid. Rain pounded at the window and she groaned internally. Her coat was in the dorm.

Toni managed to go without her stuff for two days, turning to the diner for warmth and a place to sleep. 

After that though? Toni needed a shower with that coconut shampoo she lived for. Wanted her clean clothes and the soft spring of the mattress that waited for her in the exact place she was trying not to return to. 

She skipped an Anatomy lecture knowing that it would be the one time she could get her stuff and shower in peace. Toni packed some necessities into a bag, showered, cried, and pounded the wall in a state of straight girl rage. Is that a thing? Totally. Straight panic. The one thing that can totally crumble a gay girl's walls. 

Dictionary definition: the fear of your straight roommate you necked in a dorm room bathroom.

Toni wrapped the towel around her before opening the door to a girl who looked like she was either going to peg it, throw up; or both. 

It pissed her off. Shelby initiated it. Toni didn’t want her fucking lips on her anyway, she was drunk and the blonde had caught her wildly off-guard. 

Toni brushed past her to grab her stuff before returning to the bathroom. When she came back out the girl was nowhere to be seen. 

Fucking brilliant. 

Toni’s books finally decided to come in the next day. Thank god. She now spent her nights camped out in the diner reading about studies on the functional architecture of the body surrounding upper limbs, covering any questions via a text chat with Dot and Martha that they each had about their organic chemistry class and her laptop open to instantanatomy.net until the early hours of the morning; often sleeping at the back of the class during lectures, hood pulled up so she could do what Toni Shalifoe did best and merge into the background. 

After a week of this; she was done. Toni drew the fucking line. She was tired and was she hell going to let that girl make her leave. The dorm was Toni’s turf. If Shelby wanted to cross it she could fucking leave. 

So, that day after their lecture, Toni headed back with a bag of her shit to HER room, that she- well her scholarship- was fucking paying for, because hell would she let some straight privileged bitch kick her out of her home over her own religion born insecurities. 

Tearing into the room, Shelby reeled in surprise, Shelby who was sat there in cute ass short shorts that made Toni seethe. Dropping her bag she headed for a shower; making a point of taking as much time as humanly possible in there before coming out and putting her headphones on full volume to blast Rob Zombie’s ‘Dragula’. Toni would win this fucking war if it killed her.

Shelby just stared at her, mouth agape and confused as to why the hell she was here but oh yeah, this was her room too. 

The cheerleader tucked her knees under her chin and stared into the distance. 

Toni cracked a book and began to sing along to Dragula to really piss the girl off, and it did. 

However; only because Shelby was pissed that the girl's raspy voice was entirely, totally intoxicating even singing that blasphemous waffle. And more than anything it freaked her the heck out because in that moment Shelby Goodkind realized she wasn’t really that good. She wanted to fuck Toni Shalifoe. 

  
By the morning she noted just how on edge Shelby was. Like she was going to pounce on the girl and suck her blood at any sense of weakness like what the actual fuck. As if warding her away; the girl would play with the silver cross that hung from her neck non-stop. Banishing the toxic demon that was Toni Shalifoe. 

  
It was a Sunday and Shelby was putting on a dress that gave off certainly too many ‘I’m fucking the Priest.’ vibes for church. 

“I’m heading out.” It was the first words they’d spoken since, well, fucking forever. “I have a date.”

“Didn’t ask. Don’t give a shit.”

“It’s with Andrew, he’s so attractive. Got them little pretty boy abs and all. Sweet as honey.”

Toni nodded sarcastically. Like she gave a shit.

“You know Andrew right?”

“No.”

“Sure you do, he’s the guy you punched in the crotch area the first week.”

Toni’s eyes closed at that. She held them firmly shut and breathed through her nose. Shelby just couldn’t fucking leave her be. Shelby had been there. Heard what he’d said and now she was rubbing it in her damn face. 

“Fuck you, Goodkind. You know what? I’m literally done with your shit. I don’t give a fuck if you want to live with a cross up your ass so far you can taste the fucking wood, but please leave me the fuck alone. I’m here to get my grades and leave. I don’t need this shit.”

The message apparently didn’t get through to the girl as two hours later she returned with said frat bro on hand to make out on her bed. 

Toni spent a lot of time in the library that week. Fists clamped and entirely coated in rage. Never had she wanted to punch someone so much, Andrew was a cocky prick with a face like a Greek God and she wanted so badly just to fuck it up. It was the way they would look at her each time as they entered her damn room as if to tell her to clear out, how Shelby would burst into fits of giggles at anything the boy said or curl up into him when they watched a film. Toni hated everything about Andrew; everything that he shared with Shelby.

So Toni started planning, and she knew that there was one thing more than anything in life that really pissed her off. 

  
POV Shelby:

That night when Shelby came back all smiles from a date with Andrew, she returned to the soft moans coming from their shared shower. 

Soft moans that definitely didn’t belong to Toni.

“Fuck, right there Toni.”

Yep definitely not Toni.

  
Instead of moving, Shelby remained still as a statue stuck in that spot. Unable to move for thirty hell ridden minutes because, why Lord weren’t they done already? So there she remained plastered in that exact spot as the moans only got louder, as did the calls for Toni’s name until-

Shelby felt her stomach drop, before turning to a deep warmth that flooded through her like fire. “Shit.” She pried at her cross around her neck, praying just praying for that feeling to leave her but heck the Lord was testing her today and it only got worse. 

“Hey, you the roommate?” A girl breezed past Shelby grabbing her coat. 

And then Toni appeared. In her underwear because someone was apparently trying to kill Shelby Goodkind today. 

“Uh, yeah.” Shelby’s cheeks burnt almost as much as that spot just south of them. 

“Nice to meet you.” The girl placed a far too long kiss on Toni’s lips and left. “You have my number.” She called behind her.

Toni POV

Toni wanted to smile because after that she should feel great. Awesome really. Yet there she stood still as pissed as ever until she saw how freaked out Shelby was, and then Toni felt oh so great. 

“She’s um, she’s new.”

“I guess.” Toni pulled her shorts on, Shelby too skeeved out to remove her eyes from the view. Iconic. 

“We’re y’all?”

“What?” Toni waited for her to try her. Toni was ready to freak her roommate the hell out. She would leave this week if she kept it up.

Swallowing, Shelby seemed to be running a conversation through her mind. “Did y’all just, you know,” She motioned to the door. “Do it in our shower?”

“Uh yeah.” Shelby looked visibly disturbed, her hand shaking as it met her wet brow. “But only like three times. I planned on being out before you got back.” 

Shelby seemed completely out of it at this point. The Christian fear was strong with this one.

“Can you like not?”

Toni raised a brow to that. “You have literally been tonguing Andrew right in front of me for a fucking week Texas.”

“Stop calling me Texas!” She was really losing it. Toni relished in it. “And that’s different. We’re only doing what’s accepted by God.”

Toni squared up with her, beyond over the God spiel. 

“In my religion, coming is a holy experience.”   
  
That was the winning ticket as ding ding ding; Shelby flew out that door like the room was on fire. And actually to Shelby that wasn’t the only thing that caught alight that afternoon. 

Toni decided not to push her luck with any more girls after that. Not because Shelby didn’t deserve it; but because for some freaking absurd reason Toni didn’t want it.

Andrew stopped coming by also which she considered a win in itself. Though she did have to deal with listening to Shelby with her friends over, gossiping about just how great he was; how respectful and kind he was. Yup respectful when he dropped the D-word at me and dry-humped you with me in the bed opposite. Living up to those values entirely Andrew is. What a solid guy.

They stopped talking entirely. Toni made sure she avoided her need to aid the blondes ‘skeeved straight girl’ behavior though, and started changing in her dorm room like any normal person would; not giving a shit about Shelby’s fears of her coming on to the blonde. 

“Shelby Goodkind and Toni Shalifoe, you will be paired for this essay. Please make sure your essay is a combined effort students. I will know if it’s not; believe me. I have twenty years of teaching behind me and though it may shock you and I am not the dumb old guy you believe me to be.”

The students chuckled. All but two who stared ahead entirely petrified. 

  
Shelby’s highly placed motivation in life was to avoid Toni Shalifoe at all times. But the one thing that eclipsed even that was her desperate need to get the best of grades, and with that thought, she dropped a host of books onto her roommates legs that night. 

“What the fuck Texas.”

“The project. We need to get started.”

“Listen. Just do your half; I’ll do my own then we’ll mash them together.”

“No, we’re working on it together. You heard him. He’ll know if we don’t.”

“Shelby that’s just the kind of thing someone who most definitely won’t fucking know says to make you think they will.” She pushed the textbooks from where the weight of all 500 of them sat crushing her legs.

“He will know and I’m not failing because you’re freaked out by my religion.”

“Shelby, you’re the one that’s freaked out here and we both fucking know it.”

“Okay, and maybe I am but we still both need those grades. If you fail one course you’re-”

“I’m out because I’m a poor kid on a fucking scholarship right?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to put it that-”

“Just own your fucking hate, Shelby.”

“Fine. But, can we just do this project? Then we can go back to ignoring each other as you like.”

“As YOU like Texas. And fine. But only because I have no damn choice. Coach is on my ass about everyone’s grades right now.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”


	7. Goodkinds Are Not Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Soldi by Mahmood  
> Subway Car by Marc E. Bassy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments guys, having a shit health week (yay for chronic illness) and y'all are really brightening it up. Stay safe, stay rad, and hydrateeee.

**Shelby’s POV:**

  
The clattering of Toni’s keyboard veiled the entire air around them because, jeez could she type any louder? 

“Can you pass me the McMinn’s Atlas please?”

The hardback book flew towards her face. To say that being ignored by the girl didn’t make Shelby feel like the world was ending would be a lie. But to say it was deserved? Well, that one would be true. All because Shelby Goodkind couldn’t keep it in her drunk ass pants at a party and thought it a stellar fricken idea to make out with her roommate. 

Each time the brunette glared at her she longed for that moment of eye contact, finding comfort in the hard edge of brown eyes, and every time she thought back to that moment in the shower Shelby didn’t know if she wanted to murder the girl or be the one calling her name instead. Her stomach became a twisted knot of angst and fear knowing that not one moment with Andrew’s tongue in her mouth had brought even a slight of the warmth that resided below from an angry glare from Toni Shalifoe.

That was the one thing that scared Shelby more than anything in her entire life. Living up to a life of perfection was hard but this? This was terrifying; mainly because not once had she felt like this about any boy before. Even when making out with Andrew her fricken mind would wander and stroll until in that very same place she saw herself making out with her stupid dang roommate. 

And Shelby Good kind was many things. But my Lord one of those things ~~could not~~ would not be gay.

“I need to go to practice in a minute, if you cover the first portion of bones I’ll begin to look into muscle when I get back.”

“Fine.”

Toni shook her head, grabbing her bag. “Shelby I realize you have a stick up your ass. I do. But you’re the one who dragged me into this project; the least you could do is stop being a judgemental dick about it.” 

  
Shelby spent a solid hour in silence with hot tears pricking at her cheeks. She had achieved none of the work she was meant to, and she had instead breached the feint marker pen perimeter to comb through what books Toni was buried in each night. Because those nights were the ones where the girl was at peace, lost and in a world of her own, tucked away from any care or rage. 

**Virginia Wolf**   
**Sylvia Plath**   
**Joesph Sheridan Le Fanu**

Shelby gazed at the clock knowing Toni wouldn’t be back for a long time. She had practice then she would sit with the team in the cafeteria for an hour before making her daily library trip. Shelby knew Toni’s schedule like that creepy guy from the TV show ‘YOU’. She reminded herself that was different; unlike him, she hadn’t murdered anyone. 

Picking up the copy of Carmilla she moved back to her bed, cracking it open under the covers. 

Shelby was lost to a pit of 1800’s sexy lady vampires for the hours to come. 

“Have you finished your portion?” The door swung open and Toni dropped her bag under the bed.

“Frick Toni you scared the life outta me can’t you knock?”

“I fucking live here. No.”

Toni warily eyed the copy of Carmilla that sat in the girl's hands then stared at her pile; now vacant of a particular novel. “Did you touch my shit?”

“I just-” Shelby quickly placed the book back on the pile and retreated back under her covers. “I just got bored and felt like reading and, I’m sorr-”

“Chill Texas. No one should be kept away from literature. Touch my other shit however and you’re leaving. I’m just more shocked I caught you reading about Lesbian Vampires and all. Doesn’t seem like your kind of… Thing.”

Shelby laughed. “There are no lesbians in that book. I’ve read almost all of it and definitely none of your kind.”

Toni scoffed. “My kind? They’re queer. It’s a well-known story from 1800’s Ireland, there’s even a whole gay YouTube series based on it. Believe me. My kind would know.” She sat on her bed and pulled her hair up.

That girl had the best shoulders. Shelby kinda wished she’d throw her around like a ball sometimes.   
She shook it off. No, this was not a homosexual book. Shelby really liked this book and it was not homosexual by any means of the word.

“Just because it has two main female characters doesn’t mean it's… that.”

“Shelby, it was the 1800’s. Of course, it doesn’t say, ' _and then she tongued her'_. People like me would have been killed back then over that shit. So no. It does not explicitly say, but it is covertly coded and often overtly coded the whole way through the book. So yes, you did spend the afternoon reading a gay vampire novel; ask any literary professor here.”

“I did not read a freakin’ homosexual book!” Shelby ran her hands through her hair.

“Shelby chill the fuck out. Contrary to your dumb ass beliefs being around queer media does not make you queer. Gay people are born gay. And if whatever God you believe in is real he made me for a freaking reason, the same reason he did every other queer person.” 

Shelby sat toying at her cross because why the hell would God make her gay. Why would he do that and then put her in HER family? Shelby couldn’t be gay. It was as the pastor said; a momentary blip of temptation sent by the devil to trick or test her. 

“Just keep that… awful stuff on your side.”

“Shelby, you literally took it from my fucking side.” Toni was tearing up now, her voice cracking and Shelby felt the bit of her stomach dip with nausea. It was a sight she hadn’t seen like this; hard edged Toni Shalifoe crying at a few words, words she had spoken.

“Look I’m so-”

“Save it, Shelby. Do your side of the work and we’ll somehow make it work at the end.” 

Toni headed straight for the door wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“Where are you going?”

The brunette was too far up the corridor to even hear.

“Shit.” Shelby crouched around her pillow. 

_Do you say your prayers with that mouth?_ Toni’s presence haunted every previously safe place in her mind, suffocating the last of the safety that tethered Shelby to sanity.

By 2 AM she was wide awake staring out that door waiting for Toni. The girl hadn’t grabbed any of her stuff when she left. Her jacket that never left her side was on her bed, her wallet and card sat next to it.

Shelby had rationalized that the reason she was so entirely filled with worry right now was simply because she was a Christian. And more than that? She was a girl. Shelby knew a campus wasn’t safe by any means at night and so she grabbed Toni’s jacket, then her own, and headed out the door.

Toni wasn’t in the library. Shelby had checked every dang shelf and the girl was nowhere to be seen. 

She held her keys tight between her knuckles as she walked the halls, knocking into two people who- oh- were making out. 

“Shit you all right there Shelby?”

Fatin had removed her lips from, oh that’s definitely a girl.

“I uh-”

“Oh shit sorry, this is the girl I'm dating; Leah.”

“Dating?” 

“Nice to meet you, Shelby.”

“Uh, yeah you too.”

“Seriously are you okay Shelby?” Fatin eyed the slightly shaking girl warily.

“Yeah just looking for Toni.” 

“Why it’s like what 3 am?” 

“I uh think I may have upset her. We were just clashing heads and she ran off.”

Fatin laughed. “Don’t worry that’s just her way of dealing. Foster kid and all.”

“Toni’s a foster kid?”

Fatin reassessed the situation. “Yeah. So anyways wouldn’t worry too much.”

“It’s just she left all her stuff behind and Toni never lea-”

“Wait is that Toni’s jacket? Shit, she’s never without that. What the fuck did you say, girl?”

“Nothing I just need to find her.”

“Library?”

“Checked it.”

“Then either the court or the diner. She sleeps there each time you guys… squabble. Here, I’ll drop you my number, if she’s not there just give me a call. She’ll be fine Toni’s a hard ass. When she processes she just likes her own turf.”

“Thanks. It was, it was nice to meet you. Leah right?”

“Yeah. Nice to meet you too.”

Toni sleeps at the fricken diner. Shelby’s blood ran hot and flooded her system like lava. Diners aren’t exactly safe places. All this time Shelby had assumed Toni was staying with Fatin or one of the other girls when they argued, but she was staying at the diner? She thought sleeping on a damn diner chair was more comfortable than sharing a room with herself. Why did she hate her that much? Was Shelby Goodkind that insufferable?

Never in her life had Shelby been disliked by any soul. She worked her butt off to make sure everyone around her smiled and felt the warmth of God she loved to feel herself. Hate felt an awful lot worse than that. If there was one person in this world the blonde didn’t want to be hated by; the girl that sat with her head on the diner table before her, masked in her arms, was it. 


	8. 'Cheer Girl Convo Shit'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:
> 
> Glue by Fickle Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally do a double chapter on the weekend but I'll be dropping it later today. Have an awesome weekend guys. You can find me on tumblr under the user gay-art-vibes however, no I will not apologize for posting tonnes of dog photos/ rambling about Sandra Oh.

**Shelby’s POV**

Toni’s hair spilled over her arms, a half-drunk coffee sat on the table by her elbow. The diner wasn’t the warmest of places at night and her bare arms were prickled with goosebumps. 

The cheerleader poked her arm gently, then again much harder when the girl sat unresponsive. Toni bolted upright with a look of fear in her eyes Shelby never thought she’d see on Shalifoe of all people.

“Shelby.” _Oh, and there was that morning voice that made her melt in all the wrong darn places_. “Please leave me the fuck alone.”

“If you’re staying girl you buy something.” A waiter hovered nearby.

“I’ll just get some eggs.” She eyed Toni cautiously. “Two eggs, with bacon and a couple coffees please.”

“Shelby I’m not taking anything from you.”

“Toni you’re freezing. You can eat some fricken eggs.”

Toni let her head flop down in between her arms again. Shelby passed the Carhartt jacket over the table and leaned back; crossing her arms tightly against her.

The girl opposite showed no signs of life except for a stray limb that reached out to grasp her jacket, pulling it onto her shoulders, her head still lay there as if glued to the table.

“You’ve been sleepin’ here?”

“What the fuck is that to you?” She mumbled from below her limbs.

Shelby’s heart was tugging in all sorts of directions like a firework that just wouldn’t fizzle the heck out.

“Toni, you shouldn’t be sleeping in a,” She lowered her voice to a whisper as if hiding a curse word. “Diner.”

Toni sat up then, but Shelby wasn’t sure if it was for her or the bacon that just arrived. “I’m paying for my half.”

“Your wallets at home.” 

Toni rustled for any more change in her pockets, groaning at the silence. “I’ll pay you back tomorrow.”

“You bought me lunch for a week, Toni-”

“And then I gave you shellfish. So we’re even. I’ll pay you back tomorrow.” 

Toni to pack away her food faster than she thought humanly possible, chugging the coffee next to her. Shelby pondered, realizing she kind of ate like a hungover dude. It was weirdly endearing. 

“I need to apologize.”

“Shelby please just leave me the hell alone.” 

“You good over there, Toni?” The chef called over, a protective glance settling over the girl. 

“Yeah, Pete.”

“You know his name?” Shelby whispered. “How often are you here?”

“Seeing as though you’re the devil incarnate; most of the fuckin’ time Texas. Now please leave.”

“Toni I’m not letting you sleep here.”

“I need your permission now?”

“No, that’s not what I mean and you know it. It’s not safe here for a gal at night.”

“Trust me, for me this is safe. For me this is happy. Now leave my space.”

“Why don’t you just request a new roomie?”

“Why don’t you?” Toni’s eyes steeled, willing her to just fricken try her. 

“Toni I’m sorry okay. I, I grew up with very strict values. In my family that kinda thing is just… It’s just not allowed. I don’t hate you-”

“But you do. Cut the shit Texas you hate my guts.” 

“But I don’t! I am trying- believe me- to get used to,” She waved in Toni's direction. “This.”

“Oh _, this?”_

“You know the gay stuff. And I will get there with accepting it it’s just taking some time. Whilst I don’t agree with it we can still be civil.”

“Shelby you’re the one not being civil here.”

“I know and I will work on it okay?” She tapped her hands furiously against her cross. “Just please come home otherwise neither one of us is sleeping properly.”

Shoving the last of the eggs in her face, she reached for a napkin and wiped her mouth. “Fine. Just, please keep your art thou holy attitude to yourself. I’ve dealt with this shit my entire life Shelby I don’t need crap from my roommate. You’re not gonna ‘fix’ me I’m fucking gay and proud of it.”

Shelby nodded. “I won’t.”

  
Toni looked so small when she woke up. She watched as she lightly snored with a smile. Shelby matched that grin before a strike of panic hit her gut; _what in Hell's word was she playin’ at?_ She would work on it though. Toni sleeping in a darn diner was not worth her anger. Shelby would be a civil Christian woman. 

It was incredibly hard to be civil when you wanted to tuck your roommate's hair behind her ear. Or wake her with a gentle ki-

“Morning.” 

Crap. 

“Morning,” Shelby said grabbing her stuff. “Do you want a coffee I’m heading to the cafeteria?” 

“Sure?” Toni reined in the confusion. “Uh, black please.”

“I know.” 

“I take it you found the wandering and wild Toni last night?” Fatin stared down at the southern girl behind her in the cue. 

“Yeah, _we’re_ … She’s fine.”

“You know I’m here if you ever need to talk.” Fatin shot her an all-knowing glance that raised goosebumps on her skin.

“What would we have to talk about?” Shelby laughed off the unsettled feeling in her stomach.

“I don’t know. Stuff.” Fatin took her coffee and was off before she could get a word in back. 

**“Two black coffees for Shelby!”**

  
“What are these?”

“Gingerbread men. You dip em in your coffee and their heads fall off.”

“That sounds disturbing.” Toni immediately dunked the biscuit into her coffee, watching as its head detached into a pool of mush; the girl absorbed in a state of awe.

“So, tonight’s the away game. How you feelin' about that?”

“We’ll beat Oregon State.” Toni shrugged throwing her ball into the air. 

“You nervous?”

“No.”

She was most definitely nervous. That ball had been flailing around her hands since Shelby got back. 

“Do ya want another biscuit?”

“Shelby, not to be rude but, what the fuck is going on here?”

The girl sipped her coffee, wincing at the heat. 

“I said I was gonna make an effort and I’m makin’ an effort.” Shelby’s pageant smile was back. 

“Please stop. Look I know you don’t like me, I just wanted us to stop fighting over literally nothing, nonstop. I don’t need food, or coffee or whatever the fuck I just decapitated in my drink.”

Toni opened her laptop and began to browse movies. Toni who never left a book long enough to watch TV was watching TV.

  
Shelby sat reading her anatomy textbook, eyes darting over the top every now and then to look at Toni, wondering what the hell was she laughing at.

“What?” Toni had caught her.

“Just wonderin’ what’s got Toni Shalifoe laughin’ is all.”

“Just some show.” Toni pressed play again before hitting pause to look up once more. “Shelby, what the fuck do you want?” Eyes narrowed in annoyance.

“What show?”

“What?”

“Toni what show I’m bored.”

“You wouldn’t like it.” 

“Well, I couldn’t tell you that if I don’t know the name.”

“Dickenson.” 

“Oh, I wanted to see that!”

Toni spat her coffee narrowly missing the laptop monitor. 

“You do not want to watch this.” 

“Oh because I wouldn’t like period dramas?”

“No, because it's gay Shelby. She literally just fucked her best friend who is meant to be with her brother.”

“Oh.” Shelby’s eyes widened. “Ohh.” She pulled at her cross, remembering not to say anything that would sit Toni back in that diner. “That’s um, nice?”

“ _Nice_?” Toni’s brow rose, she was testing her.

“Which one is gay?”

“Emily Dickenson and her best friend.”

“Wait Emily Dickenson _was Lesbian_?”

“A lesbian, and no it’s thought she was bi or along those lines. Accepting of a bit of everything and all.”

“Isn’t that greedy?”

“Shelby I’m just going to start pointing out when you say homophobic shit because half the time I don’t think you even realize you’re doing it. That was homophobic shit. People love whatever gender they love. It’s not greedy to not be specific. Sexuality is a spectrum.”

“So where do you fall on that spectrum thing? Would you ever date a guy?”

“Ew no, men are so ugh. I go by gay or queer, I’d date anyone female or non-binary but not male and no I’m not explaining non-binary to you, do some damn research if you care so much. Have you ever thought about what you’d do if you get a patient who falls in the LGBT+ spectrum? You should respect them, their pronouns and know how to help and address them. I literally haven't been to a clinic that has asked me voluntarily if I have/had any female partners. I have to open with it because they’re so narrow-minded. Close mindedness should not impeach on healthcare.”

Shelby nodded. “So do you have like a type?” 

Toni palmed her eyes. “Shelby can we not do whatever this is?”

“It’s a simple question roommates ask one anotha’.”

“I don’t know. Femme people normally. More feminine presenting I guess sometimes with an androgynous dress sense, I don’t really sit there thinking about that shit.”

Shelby was feminine. But what the hell did androgynous dress sense mean. Shelby wore an awful lot of pink, for pageants and all that stuff. Pink said ‘wholesome’. _**Androgynous,**_ that she would google later. 

“Can we please just stop with this? I don’t need this weird cheer gal convo shit before a game.”

Shelby nodded. 

No more _‘cheer girl convo shit’_. 


	9. The One With The Away Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:
> 
> Don't Panic by XYLØ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter as promised, have a rad weekend guys. I'm off to go binge some true-crime docus on Netflix.

POV Shelby

On the back of that bus- filled with screaming cheer girls- Shelby noted one obscure thing. Girls sat around Toni, one upon her lap as they chanted together as a team; everyone looking to her like she was a God. The girls around her actually laughed at the brunette, slapping her on the back at every opportunity and…holy frick. _Toni Shalifoe was popular?_

In Shelby’s highschool, gay people were outcasts. They stayed in their own circles, only fraternizing with one another, but here? Toni was like Shelby’s high school boyfriend; commanding an entire bus of attention. Angry, sulky, very gay Toni Shalifoe, smiling and laughing? 

Leah sat on Fatin’s lap; the southern girl's eyes burning at the sight, because Shelby just wanted to sit on Toni’s and _why won't that damn feeling go away?_ Shelby wanted to throw off whoever the cute redhead was sat on the girl’s lap and replace her stupid ass with her own.

Fatin met her gaze and smiled. Shelby’s stomach twisted and contorted with the force of a rung out towel because that was no ordinary smile. That was most definitely the ‘ **I know you want to fuck Toni** ’ smile Shelby was beginning to hate.

By the time the game came around, Shelby tried to focus on her cheer, landing harshly on her ankle from a layout about twenty minutes in, after failing to take her eyes off of Toni’s- obviously flawless- shot. So much for impressing Toni. She didn’t know why on earth she wanted to impress her anyway. Well, she did, but Shelby Goodkind continued to pray away the ever growin’ gay. 

“Shelby, ice it. That’s a nasty one. We’ll get Adam to take a look.”

“It’s really not that bad.”

“It’s blue Goodkind. That screams anything but good.” Alana, one of the few girls Shelby could actually stand on the team, pointed at the swollen lump. 

Shelby dropped her head to examine it. Blue. It was fricken light grey at best, and after many years of hitting the mat, she knew it was only minor. 

Adam hovered, occasionally moving her foot and asking questions that the girl would simply answer with an agreeing hum as it that was of any help. Shelby didn’t care. She was very much lost in the land of how Toni’s jersey rode up with a shot. Or how she lost her temper each time she got fouled. Or how every now and then she would look off the court, her eyes settled on Shelby’s foot with a concerned frown before being yelled at to get her head in the game. But the moment Shelby enjoyed best was when Toni went wild after winning; a complete polar opposite of the girl she knew, carefree and hyper to the point of jumping on Fatin’s back, a crazed look of childish glee painted across her face.  


”You won!” She smiled as Toni sat opposite her, Shelby had to move to occupy a two-seater upfront with her icepack.

“Obviously.” 

Shelby strained to reach her foot with the icepack. “You didn’t say you were captain.”

“What does it matter?” 

“Just. I thought you’d of mentioned it is all.”

“We don’t talk.”

The blonde grimaced as she reached for her foot again. 

“For fucks sake Texas.” Toni lifted her leg, sat on the chair where it was, and rested her ankle on her legs. “You’re meant to elevate it. What the fuck did you do to it anyway it's blue.”

Toni was holding ice on her ankle yet every inch of Shelby’s skin was burning. “It’s not blue. I fell a little on a layout.” 

“A what?”

“It’s was a, um a flip-type thingy.”

“Ahh yes, them _flip thingys_.” Toni pulled the leg of her sweatpants up slightly and Shelby froze.

“Don’t wig out Texas, just moving the ice up.”

“I’m not wigged out.”

Toni shot her a cut the shit glance. Shelby really wanted to kiss her right now, or pull away, or literally anything, yet all of those alternatives would either fuck Shelby’s life up or fuck with Toni’s so there she remained still as heck.

“Okay, Texas.”

So they stayed like that the whole way back. Toni chatting to friends, Shelby still as heck in her grasp; Fatin really starting to piss her off with that constant stupid look.

  
By day 3 of Toni’s casual ‘friendly’ touches; pats on her back as she sat in the cafeteria, brushing arms as they went to shower, checking her ankle or hands grazing as they passed anatomy books, she was boiling over. 

Shelby mentally concluded she could deal with things as long as she didn’t physically act on it with the girl. Acting on it physically as a pair was far different from Shelby simply, well, dealing with it by herself. So that week, a shower with wandering hands and the image of Toni in her mind occupied each one of Toni’s basketball practice time slots. 

It didn’t cure that need, but it sure as hell let her bury it enough not to mess with her studies. 

Shelby moaned into the wall and dropped her hand. **_Burying everything away_**. The wave of calm washed over her as the need for her roommate subsided to that comfortable state of tempting but bearable. 

  
Shorts and bra on she left the shower. Yet, instead of her peaceful reading slot in an empty dorm, she opened the shower door to an all too cocky Toni. 

“So this is what you do with that free time?”

Shelby’s mouth hung agape. Damnit.

“Look I’m just joking. We’ve all gotta deal with those things somehow. Plus you don’t need to be any more uptight than you already-”

“Toni.” Shelby grabbed her top and chucked it over her head. “We’re not speaking about this.”

“So was it Andrew?”

“What about Andrew?” Toni simply smiled. “Ew no. Toni, just drop it.”

“Okay, Texas you have no chill.”

“If you just heard me, you know I very much have chill. And right now you’re disturbing my aura.”

“Jeez okay.” Toni kicked off her shoes and removed her jersey, pulling on a whole ridden band tee. “Wanna watch a film?” Toni’s eyes were darker, the usual shade replaced by dark all-encompassing irises; Shelby shook the image out of her head. 

“Toni, why the hell are you asking me that?”

“I’m not coming on to you Texas. Chill out. Bird’s of Prey is on Netflix and it's supposed to be a decent watch.”

“Aren’t you meant to be at practice?”

“Coach gave us the day off, we did some drills but they’re cleaning the floor of the sports hall. Frat party gone wrong, someone broke in and got Lord knows what on the floors.”

Shelby sat down far away from Toni on the bed and curled her knees to her chin. “Fine, I have nowhere to be.” 

“Obviously.” Toni’s voice was raspy and laced with something more than usual. “Move up, my screen is shit and you can’t see it from over there with the glare.”

When Shelby moved closer Toni pulled a blanket up and hit play. “This might be just a teensy bit gay by the way. But the straights will outnumber them so you’re fine.”

Shelby ended up curling up against Toni, her hair spilling over the girl's chest as they watched on. It was cold, and the brunette was a living furnace. Just gals, being pals.

When Toni’s arm dropped around her Shelby tried to remind herself just that, but the facts (and limbs) were staring her right in the face.

“Stop with your loud thinking Texas.” Toni moved her arm down an inch, her fingertips touching the flesh of her hip. “You’ve been laying on my arm for an hour and it’s dead as fuck, I’m not hitting on you.” 

Her heart fell a bit at that because why wouldn’t Toni hit on her? Shelby was her type was she not? Why the heck didn’t she want her, was she not attracted to her? 

She nodded against Toni’s stomach, keeping her eyes, glazed with tears and out of the other girls view on the film that was definitely incredibly gay. 

  
“Sorry, that was kinda more gay vibes than I thought.”

“It’s fine Toni.” The film had ended but Shelby remained on her stomach. 

“Did you need to study?”

“Not tonight.” Shelby yawned.   
“Wow, that really did chill you out huh? It’s like what, 5 pm?” Shelby punched Toni’s shoulder, refusing to move from her spot. “Jeez Texas, that hurt.”

Shelby moved her fingers on the touchpad. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Lookin’ for another film before I fall asleep at 5 pm like a 90-year-old.”

Toni moved and Shelby groaned at the loss. “God, you’re grumpy today. Chill. I’m going to grab some hot chocolate with those weird biscuit humans.”

Shelby stretched herself out, getting comfortable in sheets that smelt like Toni. Warm, scented like cinnamon. “Fine.”

Toni stared at her momentarily, their eyes lingering on each other for a second longer than Toni was apparently comfortable with as she cleared her throat and walked out the door. 

  
When Toni came back, hot chocolates in tow, Shelby was asleep in her bed. 

Toni simply took a pillow from Shelby’s bed, coming to see the library copy of Carmilla wedged underneath it. So Shelby has a vampire thing? How very early 2000’s of her. Toni placed the pillow on the floor between them. It was one thing for Shelby to accidentally fall asleep in her bed, but it could be far worse if Shelby caught her sleeping in hers intentionally. 

She placed the hot chocolates down, gently removed the laptop from the blonde's grasp, and pulled a comforter over her still form. 

“Night Texas.”


	10. An Invasion Of Goodkinds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> What's It Gonna Be by Shura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to simultaneously make curry while proofreading this chapter so pray for my laptop I guess. Hope you're having an awesome weekend guys.

Shelby awoke in sheets that she clung to; the smell comforting and homely. Homely in a very Toni way. **_Toni._**

Shelby sat up, trying to grasp momentarily unfamiliar surroundings, pivoting to see her bed across from her and the small form of her roommate on the floor in between. She leant down and lightly kicked the body.

“Ugh.” Toni groaned, stretching out. “It’s the weekend, go back to sleep.” 

“Toni you’re on the dang floor.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to get my gay vibes in your area Texas.”

Shelby had to laugh at that, she kicked her again and Toni grabbed her foot. 

“Goodkind if you want to keep that damn foot I suggest you let me sleep.” 

Toni was somehow entirely vulnerable when she was in a sleep state when she awoke she reminded the southern girl of a grumpy child with the protesting voice to match. Shelby decided to kick her again, longing for her roommate’s grip on her foot once more.

“Shelby cut it the fuck out.”

Goosebumps prickled her arms. “Toni it’s cold.” 

“That’s what blankets are for.”

She fell back against the bed. **“Toniiiiiiiiii.”**

“Texas,” Toni stood looking over her initially with rage that smouldered into a softness at the sight of blonde hair splayed against her bed. “Just let me go back to sleep. This is my happy time. You’re disturbing my, whatever you call it-”

“Aura.”

“Yes, my aura is very fucking disturbed right now.”

Shelby made a decision at that moment that royally fucked her keeping Toni at a distance plan up. 

“Come to bed I’m cold as heck Toni.”

“What?”

“Just-” Shelby pulled the girl down beside her, curling into her with the blanket tugged tight against them. “Sleep.”

Toni audibly gulped from beneath her. “Texas what is-”

“I’m cold,” Fingertips wandered across Toni’s hip settling on her abdomen where they scratched into her flesh. Shelby held back the need to move them lower, grasping onto the girl's low stomach knowing, for now, even this contact was enough. 

Toni moaned softly beneath her; a sound that was anything but one friends made. Shelby dug her fingers in tighter, holding onto the brunette for dear life as they fell back to sleep. 

  
Her Taylor Swift ring tone blared from under Toni’s head waking the pair. Shelby was a mass of limbs entwined tightly with the other girl; Toni's leg settled between her own with a pressure that Shelby Goodkind knew was sinful as shit. 

She grabbed for her phone propping herself up on the shock stricken brunette. “Hello, this is Shelby.” 

“Hi sweetie its Dad.”

Shelby pushed away Toni’s leg from her crotch flying up in record timing, pacing too and from the door. “Daddy Hi!”

Toni looked completely uncomfortable, pulling the duvet off of her to grab clothing. 

“Hi Shelbs, I’m in town on business today, Mom is with me and we figured we’d drop in and take you for a meal, get you away from that awful college food.”

Shelby gulped staring at Toni with fear. “Uh, yeah sure. That would be good, I mean great. What time are you gonna be-”

“That’s the thing. We’re actually outside figured we’d come to your dorm to help drop off some supplies then we can head out?”

Shelby watched as Toni headed for the shower. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll get dressed now.”

  
Toni was out of the shower towelling her hair when a fist pounded at the door.

“Daddy,” He kissed her cheek and looked to the roommate. “This is my roommate Toni.”

“Pleasure to meet you.” He eyed the girl as if assessing her. Toni smiled a huge grin at him, one that filled Shelby with fear. “You seem like a very godly girl.”

“Pleasure to meet you too.” Shelby’s eyes widened at the southern accent that fell out of her roommate's mouth. She shot Toni a quick ‘what on the Lord’s earth was that?’ look. 

“Oh, a southern bell I see. What a great pairing!” Her mom pushed through, sitting next to Toni on the bed. “You know we were so darn scared who Shelby would get paired with, all these girls partyin’ and drinkin’ booze and bringing boys home at all hours of the night.”

“Oh me Mam? I’d never bring a boy home at any hour of the day or night!” She shot Shelby a ‘because I’m gay as shit’, look.

Shelby’s eyes were just about falling out of her head as Toni kept up the utterly convincing southern drawl.

“That’s what we love to hear, our Shelbs needs a positive environment. Temptations are reserved for the devil.”

“Yes Mam, they sure are.”

Toni’s eyes landed on her and she swallowed. “Right let's go.”

“Shelby can’t we just converse with your roo-”

“Let's go, I’m busy later, studies and all.”

“What are you studyin’ Toni?”

“Same as Shelby Mam.”

“Oh and she’s intelligent too! How lucky we got with you hey!” She patted Toni’s knee.”We had to say we were so worried for you honey when we arrived there was-” She lowed her voice to a squeaky whisper. “Two boys…. Kissin’ Right in public view.” Shelby tensed and Toni’s fake smile dropped momentarily.

“Oh Lord who could imagine such things!” Toni put on the best Shelby Goodkind impression she could pull out of the bag, seeming to find humour in the girl’s discomfort. 

“Why don’t you go get the car started I’ll be right down!” 

“Toni, did you want to join us there’s always room for a good Christian girl at our table?”

“She’s busy.”

Toni stood seeing Shelby’s panic written all over her face at the thought of her very gay roommate with a fake accent joining them. “That’s okay Mam, thank you but I have my studies.”

“Okay, well any time Toni. Isn’t that a boys name?”

Toni laughed. “Where I’m from it’s universal.”

“Your mother must be very… eclectic.”

Toni’s face dropped and she nodded, grabbing a book and moving back to her bed. 

“I’ll meet you at the car shortly.” She pushed the pair out the door making sure they exited the corridor before pivoting on the balls of her feet to stare at the brunette. “What in the high holy heck was that Toni?”

Toni scoffed looking at the pages in front of her. “Would you have preferred me? Very gay, non-Christian me, met your parents?”

Shelby gulped. “You didn’t need to do an accent! What the frick was that about?” 

Toni laughed. “Look if your parents are going to judge and insult me, I’ll do the same to them. Just without them knowing.”

Shelby rounded up her purse and coat. “Not funny Toni. How the heck am I gonna explain that?” 

“Which part the accent or the gay?”

“The accent I’m obviously not telling them about your… Preferences.”

“Preferences?” 

“Yes, Toni, who you like to ‘bump uglies’ with.”

“Shelby, don’t bring your shit into my world. I don’t care about your views.”

Shelby looked at her roommate, obviously maddened by her words. She wanted to push her hair back and… She pushed the image out of her head because Toni was an ass. How would she explain this?

  
Shelby’s dad wiped his mouth with the napkin, leaving a humorously low tip for the waiter. “Have you met any nice men here yet?” He dropped the napkin. “Most men are looking to find a wife at this age, you could find a nice doctor or-”

Shelby had found a nice doctor, one with beautiful brown hair, soft hands… and very much female. 

“There was this one boy Andrew, but my studies just got in the way.”

“God will guide you Shelbs. As long as you avoid sin and continue the holy path you can conquer anything.” 

Two boys walked past hand in hand, her dads grasp tightening on his napkin. 

“It’s just disgusting.” He whispered. “How do they just allow that kinda stuff here. It’s like Hell on Earth.”

Her mother nodded. “It’s just so horrifying to see, this is a family place too. What about the children seeing that kinda thing?”

Shelby swallowed. Shelby Goodkind swallowed all her emotions, that gut-wrenching pain, that jab to her heart that tore into her soul. She buried it all deep down where it would never be revived because Shelby Goodkind could not be that. Goodkinds were not gay.

“Yeah, it’s the worst.” She pushed away her meal suddenly losing the appetite to finish the ice cream that remained, the sickly sweet mass of it souring inside her.

  
“How was your meal?” Toni was tossing a ball. 

“Just leave me the hell alone Toni.”

“Oh so your parents visit and you’re right back to being a stuck up-”

“Leave me alone.”

  
Shelby was the one to stay out that night, heading to the one place she figured was safe.   
“Alana hey.”

“Need to crash?”

“Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


	11. Toni's Retreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Stroke by BANKS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At that stage in lockdown where I convince myself to take up a random ass hobby, currently considering vogueing after watching too much of UK Rupaul eps in a row. For those asking I post a chapter update daily. Find me on tumblr @ gay-art-vibes .

**POV Toni.**

Her roommate stayed out all night for the first time that they had been living there. That week Shelby made a point of sitting on the opposite side of the lecture hall to the brunette, not passing her a single word. Shelby Goodkind was acting as if Toni Shalifoe didn’t exist.

The ball missed the basket narrowly and Toni groaned. 

“Where’s your head at Shalifoe?”

“Don’t go all high school musical on me Fatin.”

“Stop avoiding shit with humor. What the hell is up?” 

Toni’s eyes momentarily darted to the sea of blondes waiting for the boy's practice. 

“Oh, so it's about Shelby… again?”

“Shut up Fatin.”

“Look you two just need to bone it out.”

“EW. Fatin go move up the court.”

“Well, why don’t you. Just make the move.” 

Toni chucked the ball at her. “I don’t even like her like that, and she’s ignoring me anyway. I don’t know what happened, one minute we’re actually being cordial then the next minute her parents visit and she’s back to being a stuck up bitch.”

“Okay, well then let's momentarily move away from that. I’m heading to the cinema later with Leah, she has a friend, Elise, who is really cute.”

“Fatin I’m not-”

“Toni you need to get your head out of your ass and focus on some happiness for once. You’re in a rut and no offense but your game right now is shit. We have a game coming up and you can't be playing like this.” She passed the ball back. 

“Fine.”

  
Toni pulled on the checked 90’s style trousers and a blazer. 

“There you look great.” Fatin pressed down the edged of the blazer.

“Isn’t it too big?”

“Yes, but oversized is in and you’re sexy Shalifoe.”

The dorm door swung open. “What’s up, Goodkind?”

Fatin looked at her waiting for Shelby’s gaze to meet Toni’s.

“Hi.” She picked up her textbook briefly looking at the brunette, eyes lingering on the outfit and swallowing. 

“Going out?”

“Yes, date night girl! Toni’s gonna go get some and chill the fuck out from whatever slump she’s in.”

Toni threw a jersey at Fatin’s head. “Suck my dick. Can we leave?”

“Just don’t bring her back here, I don’t want that going on in here.”

Fatin glared at her. “Yeah Toni, make sure you fuck in the cinema bathroom. Wouldn’t want to freak out miss perfect here.”

Toni combed a hand through her hair, ignoring the pang of hurt. “Let’s just go.”

  
Elise was incredibly sweet. Toni walked her to her door, lingering momentarily. “Tonight was nice.”

Elise smiled up at her, pushing the honey blonde hair out of her face. “I had a really good time. Did you uh, did you want to come in?”

So Toni did. And Toni felt herself lost to the sensation of wandering hands and heated breaths late into the morning. Toni was most definitely, not picturing Shelby Goodkind as her breath quickened under the girl's touch.

  
“Yes, Shalifoe!” Fatin hit her on the back as she indeed another three-pointer with ease. “You should get laid more often!” 

“Language!”

“Sorry coach.” 

“You seeing her again?”

“Yeah, tonight.”

“That was fast.” Fatin wrapped an arm around her, grinning warmly. “Someone got you feeling mushy huh?” 

On the edge of the court, Shelby headed out the door.

“Something like that.”

Toni hated it, how the girl always seemed to distract her and anger her with the slightest movements and words. 

  
Elise kissed Toni up against her dorm door, banging her head roughly against it. “Right I need to go study.”

“Ugh, study in my room. I’m a great source of info for anatomy.”

Toni pulled her lips away. “Oh is that so?”

The door opened behind her; leaving Toni stumbling back into the room. 

“Sorry didn’t realize y’all were out there!” Shelby smiled falsely as ever.

“I'll see you next week.” 

“Bye!” Toni stood up. “What the fuck was that Texas?” 

“I didn’t know y’all were out there.” 

Toni squared up with the girl, watching her swallow the lump in her throat. “I didn’t bring it in here. So leave me the hell alone. I’m respecting your stupid gay fear boundaries, respect mine.”

“I don’t have ‘gay fear boundaries’. Who is she anyway?”

“Elise.”

“So y’all are datin’?”

“Yeah.” Toni dropped her jacket onto her bed.

“Weird.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“She just doesn’t seem like your type is all.”

“And what the fuck is my type Shelby?”

Shelby rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. Edgy. Bold. She seems kind of.. soft. Wishy-washy.”

“Wishy-washy?”

“Yeah.”

“Shelby just leave me the fuck alone.” 

_Wishy-washy._

  
But then Shelby’s words started to grate on her like mice eating away at a nugget of cheese. Wishy-washy. Toni felt Elise’s hand cover her own, her other putting on ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the fourth time this week, the girl cuddled up against her, singing along and miming every word yet again. _ **Fuck. Wishy-washy.**_

  
“You’re back early.” 

“Get out of my fucking head Texas.”

Shelby smiled, triumphant. 

Elise was wishy-washy. Whatever the fuck that meant.

  
“You dumped her?”

Toni rolled her eyes on the bus. “She was wishy-washy Fatin.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

The team won yet again. Even though Toni’s head was up her ass and focusing on the blonde springing around to the side of her, limbs flexing as she flipped. Toni imagined those limbs flexing around her and felt her mind leave earth for the next half hour of the game. 

  
The more Shelby Goodkind ignored her that week the more Toni wanted her. She wanted to kiss her, hold her and fall asleep with Shelby tickling at the flesh on her hip once more. She wanted to be pushed up against a sink by her in a moment of hot rage and to feel the southern girl's tongue mingling with her own. She wanted to hear her repeating those moans from the shower every day of the week.

“What are you watching?” Shelby’s friend tossed her hair over her shoulder. Leaning forward.

Toni removed her headphones, Shelby clearly uncomfortable her friend was starting a conversation with patient zero. 

“Sorry what?”

“What are you watching?”

“Porn.” Toni smiled, smug. 

The girl laughed, perhaps for a few seconds longer than for how funny the joke was. “You’re funny. I could get to like you -”

“Toni”

“Toni. Isn’t that a guy's name?”

“No names are bound to gender.” She scoffed and placed her headphones back on. But the eyes remained on her, the heat of them resting on her own; a feeling of pleasure washing over her at Shelby’s utter hate. She winked at the southern girl. 

  
“Did you get any of this?” Dot passed the textbook to her.

“Yeah.”

Toni had spent every day, and night that week in Dot’s room reading over lecture notes and trying to work through this essay. When people say college is hard, that’s not taking into account the hour's science/math and med students have to pour into lectures, notes, exams, practical dissections, and study. Students on the path to a medical profession devote their lives to study, and that was without a basketball commitment. Toni’s life that week had been torture; the girl barely sleeping. Occasionally she would sprawl out on a heap of notes on dots floor, waking to ink embedded on her forehead.

“Prokaryotes don’t have a separate compartment to hold that DNA.”

Dot groaned.

“Just remember it as Eukaryotes mean Eu- ‘true’, and ‘kary’ means ‘kernel’. Meaning Eukaryotes have a nucleus. Whereas ‘pro’ means ‘before’ kernel. They carry more primitive cells and also don’t carry any organelles whereas Eukaryotes do. Just remember it as true and before.”

“Okay, but how does that tie back to the bacterial infections. My mind is mush, Toni.”

“Prokaryotes have a thick cell wall but lack a nucleus and organelles. They’re simple. And Simplicity is easy to replicate. Compared to Eukaryotes, they can multiply much faster; which is what makes bacterial infections so deadly.”

“Ok, jeez I think I follow slightly.” 

Toni rubbed at her forehead; the stress of her ever-present migraine burning at her temple. 

  
After handing in her essay, Toni flopped down onto her own comfy mattress for the first day in a week.

“I see you’re still alive.”

Toni simply groaned in response pulling her laptop onto her knees. “What the fuck is that?” She finally noted the not so subtle choir music blaring in the background. 

“That’s my local choir. I used to sing with-”

Toni pulled up ‘The L Word’ on her laptop and settled her headphones on her head. 

Shelby lasted roughly half an hour before she was prodding at Toni’s shoulder. 

“What Texas?” She pulled the headphones down, enjoying the fact Shelby was arching over her. 

“Turn it down, I can hear the moaning across from my bed. I don’t know what you’re watching but it sounds darn horrific.”

“It’s The L Word.” Toni pointed her screen to Shelby, leaving the blonde’s eyes on a scene where Shane was fingers deep in Carmen.

“Oh, Lord.” Shelby looked closer. “Oh, my word is that two women?” Shelby pushed the laptop lid shut.

“Obviously.” Toni reopened the laptop. “God I’m turning it down get over yourself.”

“Toni that’s pornography. I do not feel comfortable with you watching… that, whilst I’m in here.”

“It’s a TV show, Shelby. And you could probably learn a thing or two from it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“The L Word teaches about LGB issues. It’s iffy on trans issues though. That part boils my blood, but I think they’re trying to finally right that in the new seasons.” Toni pressed play, her eyes watching the scene with joy. Toni loved Shane; she felt the two of them drifted on the same wavelength. 

“Just turn it down.” Shelby crossed her legs tightly and fiddled with her cross.

Toni couldn’t stand Shelby, but she was sat here now imagining the two of them replicating the scene in her mind, over and over.

**Fuck Toni was in deep.**


	12. Trent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> 2009 by Mac Miller
> 
> TW for this chapter: Mentions of drug use and abuse/violence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will start to turn around now for the pair (slowly). I'll continue to post daily, you can find me on tumblr under the user gay-art-vibes .

**Shelby POV:**

“Trent what the fuck.” Toni’s voice boomed through the bathroom door.

“What do you mean you’re here? What shit have you got yourself into now?” 

Shelby pulled down her comforter and sat up to listen. 

“Fine, where the fuck are you?” Then silence. “Fuck, yes I hear you. Calm the fuck down Trent.”

“Yes, the McDonalds by the police station I hear you.” Toni’s voice sounded distant; detached in a way that made Shelby’s stomach turn. 

Toni opened the door and stormed in, grabbing her jacket and wallet. 

“Don’t you need your textbooks?”

“Not going to class Shelby.”

Toni had used her actual name. Something was off, goosebumps pricking her skin because whoever this was? This was not the girl she knew. 

“Where are you heading to?”

“Shelby don’t be a nosy dick. Out. Am I not allowed to head out?”

“It’s just you have class and you hate even being late to-”

“Get a fucking life Texas.”

Toni stormed out, her hood up and head down. 

  
“Fatin!” Shelby beat on the door like her life depended on it. She had no idea why but nausea hit her in waves, ripple after ripple.

“Jeez, what?” Fatin opened her dorm door looking vaguely pissed off with Leah behind her, wandering around trying to find her clothes like a darn headless chicken. 

“Oh, I’m uh,” Shelby eyed the girl cautiously. “I’m sorry. I just figured I’d ask you something about Toni and-”

“You two need to work your shit out. I don’t know what it is, and honestly, I wouldn’t give a shit but whatever it is, sort it the fuck out. I don’t know, talk or some shit. I have my own life without trying to fix your twos will they won't they drama.”

Shelby recoiled at that.

“Shit I’m sorry, it’s just bad timing Goodkind.” 

“No, it’s fine. I mean I don’t know what on earth you are on about with the will they won't they, I just came to ask you if you knew who Trent is because she seemed awful… But you’re right. I’m being stupid, I’m sorry for disturbing y’all, I’m just being weird. Please just forget-”

“Trent?”

“Yeah, it’s nothin’. Toni was just talking to him and she seemed kinda uptight about meetin’ him.”

Fatin pulled her shirt on. “Leah, can you let Martha know I won’t see her today?”

“Sure.” She kissed Fatin’s cheek and headed out the door.

“What did Toni say?”

Shelby stood there utterly confused by the girl's 360 in complex. “Something about meeting him at McDonald's by the station, I don’t know she didn’t sound too happy.”

“Toni can’t afford a ticket home to see him it’s fine.”

“She said he was here, on the phone.” 

“Fuck.”

“Fatin what-”

“Trent is Toni’s bio brother.”

“Toni has a brother?”

“Toni has a prick of a brother yes.”

Fatin searched for her keys around the bed, reaching under the mattress. “Thank god.” She slammed the door and hurried up the corridor. 

“Where are you goin’?”

“To find Toni!”

“Why?”

“Toni’s brother is a dick, Goodkind. He’s an addict who abused Toni as a kid. They got removed from pairing together because he’d beat her up. Is he hell screwing up Toni’s shot at education, she worked her ass off for that scholarship.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

“When did she see him last then? When they were kids?”

“No. The last time they lived together Toni was fifteen. He was hardly ever around but would show up to take her shit and flog it. Toni spent a whole year as a teen working at some restaurant that treated her like shit to get the money to buy some decent shoes and a jersey for basketball, as well as some lessons. When she was out at school he came by and took it. Sold it as well as her ball and CD’s grabbed the money from under her mattress for a quick fix. When Toni confronted him she was hospitalized and put into an induced coma for a month from the injuries. He just… when he’s on drugs Trent is a whole other person. ”

Fatin opened the door to her car and stared at the blonde. “Shelby if you’re coming just get in the damn car.”

Shelby opened the door and sat down. 

“Since then he shows up maybe once a year, either OD’s or gets arrested and Toni has to bail his ass out. I just didn’t think he’d be here. Toni’s scholarship is everything to her. He’s not fucking this up for her too.”

“Why is she going to see him though? Can’t she just ignore him?”

Fatin laughed. “You have a Mom and a Dad you love right?” 

Shelby tilted her chin. “They’re not perfect though.”

“But they took you on trips, fed you, clothed you. The usual shit?”

“Yes, but they’re-”

“Toni never had that. She got put in foster care at two. Bounced around from home to home because they were normally negligent or abusive, the few safe ones she got in-between decided she was too hot-headed and let her go. Toni saw her Mom last when she was five on a visitation, her Mom told her she was her biggest mistake, and after that never showed to a single visitation. Toni’s brother may be a huge fucking prick but that’s literally the only family she knows. Just imagine having absolutely no one Shelby. You’d make shitty choices too.”

Shelby sunk in her seat to the point she felt she had become one with the fabric. “I don’t get why you’re telling me all this.”

“Because Shelby, for some stupid ass reason Toni cares about you. And as you showed up on my door ten minutes ago worrying over a simple phone call, I would assume you care about her too.”

“I don’t-”

Fatin’s grip tightened on the wheel. “Shelby I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you internally but whatever it is you need to figure it the fuck out. Toni doesn’t need another person in her life treating her like utter shit. Whatever you’re going through I am here to talk, my ears are open as wide as a fuckin’ gremlins. But that shit is not fine to force on Toni. She’s taken enough abuse in her li-”

“I wouldn’t abuse her.”

“Preaching hate at someone, telling them they’re wrong for who they love is abuse Shelby. It’s verbal abuse. And I’m not stupid Goodkind. I see how you look at her, the sexual tension glances, I saw how you both stormed off to the bathroom at the party and how you both came out looking like shit. I don’t know what game the two of you are playing, just work it the fuck out. Either be her friend or kiss her. Just don’t be a fucking prick, Shelby.” 

Tears rolled down her eyes, dropping onto her palm. She moved to wipe them and looked out the window. “I think I like Toni.”

“I know.”

  
**Toni POV**

“Trent, what the fuck?”

“Toni! I missed you girl.” He pulled her in for an embrace the girl stilled at. 

“What do you need?” 

“Why you gotta think I’m always needin’ somethin’? Can’t I just come to see my little Sis?”

Toni tugged on her jacket sleeves. “I don’t have money, Trent.” 

He hit the bin next to him. “Don’t paint me like that Toni, I don’t need money.” 

His hands trembled, pupils shot. Toni Knew what he needed. 

“Listen so here’s the thing,” He paced, laughing every now and then. “You see my friend Joey sells down on the back streets. For some reason, he thinks I’m owing him money or some shit-”

“So you need money?”

“No no no Toni. Just, chill okay? I have money.” He raised a wad of dollar bills from his pocket. “I just need you to help me out a bit, buy me a fix from him. If he sees me he’ll get mad all over nothin’ so I figured you buy it for me and were all good here right?”

Toni shook her head. “Trent I can’t.”

Trent grabbed her wrist with a force that made Toni's blood boil. “Look it’s one time Toni. You owe me.”

“Why do I owe you.” 

“If you weren’t born Toni I’d still have a Mom. You were just too much Toni.”

Toni’s eyes watered and he pressed the dollars firmly into her hand. 

A car pulled up beside them and Fatin climbed out, motioning at someone in the car to stay.

“What the fuck are you doin’ here?” He spat in the girl's direction. 

“Toni let's go.”

He grabbed Toni by the arm, his fingers digging into the flesh beneath her jacket. 

“Toni’s helpin’ her brother out Fatin.”

“Trent leave her alone. Toni’s life is finally going okay. You’re not fucking it up again.”

Trent pushed his sister to the floor. “And what are you going to do about it bitch?” 

Fatin pulled something from her pocket before Trent realized he was doubled over scrubbing at his eyes. 

“Fatin what the fuck?” Toni doubled over with him, trying to clear his eyes. 

“We’re going Toni get in the damn car.” 

Toni paced running her hands through her hair. “He just needs a hand Fatin.”

“A hand that will land your ass in jail Shalifoe. You’ll lose your scholarship. Do you want to end up like him?” 

Toni was crying, her eyes bloodshot as she punched a wall, blood trickling down her knuckles with mortar mixed in scarlet.

“Toni, fuck.” Fatin grabbed her by the shoulders, pivoting her into the back seat of the car.

  
**Shelby POV**

“Shelby, can you sit back there with her?”

“She looks kinda angry-”

“Shelby you’re fine just wrap her hand there’s a first aid kit in the back of the chair.”

Toni was vaguely aware of the blonde who wiped her hand with alcohol, putting on a cream before wrapping it tightly.

“Toni I think you need to get that looked at. Toni?”

“Don’t bother. She can’t hear you.” 

“What?”

“When Toni stares in the distance like that she’s not here. Not mentally at least. She did it more as a kid. Dissociation they call it. You can talk all you want she won't take it on board.”

“Oh.”

“How bad is it?” 

Selby swallowed, holding Toni’s bandaged hand in her own. “It doesn’t look awful, no crazy swelling but she scraped it up real bad, there’s a lot of blood.”

“As long as she can play ball it’s fine.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s fine.”

“For Toni pain is almost therapeutic, she’s not gonna be worried about a bit of blood and stinging. If she can’t play ball, then she will be pissed. Her life revolves around basketball.”

Shelby nodded. “If you drop us at the emergency room I’ll get someone to look at it.”

“Toni can't afford-”

“I know someone that owes me a favor. It’s fine.”

Fatin met her eye in the rearview mirror and nodded. “I meant what I said, Goodkind. If you ever need to talk.”

Shelby pulled Toni’s hand closer to her. “Okay.”


	13. I'm Not Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Bedroom by Litany  
> Downers by Greentea Peng

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for this chapter: This chapter is rated E. 
> 
> Sure y'all can guess the vibe of this chapter, enjoy. As always I'm gay-art-vibes on tumblr, feel free to shoot me any messages with prompts. As always, hydrate and have a rad day.

**POV Shelby**

Placing the coffee on Toni’s desk, she met her eyes, assuming the girl was still wherever she’d been mentally the entire hospital trip. 

“Hey.” Her roommate's hoarse voice made her shudder. 

“Hi, you’re um,”

“Alive again?” She chuckled, an empty, hollow laugh. 

”Yeah that.”

Sitting on her bed she placed a hand on her knee.

“You don’t have to do whatever this is Goodkind.”

Looking up she was met with dark, reddened eyes. “Toni, I’m sorry for everything. Whatever my beliefs and issues, you just, you don’t need my baggage too.”

Shifting, the brunette pulling a tattered bear into her, quickly moving it out of Shelby’s view when the blonde stared at it. 

“What would cheer you up? I brought coffee.”

“My normal cheer up method you don’t want to be around.” Running still shaking fingers through her hair, she shifted pulling the comforter up to her chin, brown curls slumping over the top of it. _Beautiful brown curls. God, I love those._

“Well, what is it?”

“I binge-watch ‘The L Word’ with Takis.”

Swallowing, the cheerleader stood as quickly as possible. Seeing Toni curled up into herself she made a mental note to do better. She would do better, but Shelby needed to do so right now. _Before I change my mind_.

“Okay, I’ll go get the Takis.”

“Shelby you don’t have to watch-”

“I’m getting Taki’s” She called over her shoulder. _I'm getting fricken Taki's to watch a gay show with my roommate who I definitely want to kiss. Normal gal pal shit Shelbs._

  
And sure enough, Shelby arrived back, Takis in tow, dropping the mass onto the bed by Toni, the mattress dipping beneath their combined weight and hoards of chips.

“Damn how many bags did you get?”

“I didn’t know how many bags were called for Toni. So I grabbed like twenty.” _Why is my heart beatin' like that damn it?_

Scooping all the bags onto the floor, her roommate then leant over her lap, retrieving two packs from the floor stash that sat between their two beds. Shelby would have been more than happy for the girl to stay there, hand hot against her thigh as her body covered her own, yet as soon as she was there, Toni was gone. The loss of contact bringing a chill in her heat Shelby Goodkind was beginning to hate.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” Shuffling down getting comfortable, she pulled into the warmth that was Toni. “So what’s this show? Do I need any background info?”

“Nah we can start from the first episode.”

  
Shelby felt her fingers tighten around Toni’s skin as moans came from the laptop. She sunk into herself. _Why the frick did I agree to this? Is that a head between her legs? Oh._

“If it’s too much I can watch it in Fatin’s room Texas its really not a problem.” The brunette sounded totally bored of her presence, it struck the blonde in the chest like a knife.

“No, I’m fine.” 

“Your death grip on my hip would say otherwise.”

“I’m fine Toni.” Shelby pulled a Taki out of Toni’s bag and watched on, completely absorbed by the drama unfolding on the screen before her, piling chip after chip into her mouth. _This show is amazing._

Shelby was _totally fine_ until the bathroom scene with Marina and Jenny. The two meeting in the bathroom at a party, kissing pushed up against the sink, and jenny leaving after. Just like Shelby had. Toni was apparently equally as uncomfortable as she wriggled beside her. It was something the girl could never take back, could never entirely fix or redo, the moment stuck on repeat in both their heads like a marathon. If only she could have had the courage, Shelby thought. If only she could run from everything in her life she feared from God and her parents, and run to that which made her feel that sense of home, that fire that lights within her at a simple touch-

They sat in silence after that, neither reaching for more Taki’s. 

Shelby tilted her head at an intense sex scene. _How the heck?_

“Shelby I can turn it off-”

“How is she moving her hand at that angle?”

Toni laughed, taken aback by the blonde. “It’s doable.”

Feeling her face flush, she was all too aware of the skin under her fingertips, and Toni’s breast resting under her chin. The simplest of contact searing through her in a desire Shelby was getting awfully tired of containing. What if Toni was right? That God made her gay for a reason. 

When the girl shifted against her, fingertips drifted across her roommate's hip. _Damn get a grip._ Fingers tensed on warm skin. 

“Shelby I’m just gonna turn it off you’ve served your time.”

She hit Toni’s hand away. “I’m watching.”

“Shelby you’re being weird. You’re tense as shit beside me and I know your skeeved out vibes when I feel them.”

“I’m not skeeved out damn it, I’m turned on.” Shelby mulled over what the hell she’d just said to her roommate. Because _holy shit why did I just say that?_

“What?”

Eyes were glued to her, the brunette's mouth opening and shutting occasionally like there was a thought there that she somehow could not convey. She slammed the laptop shut, putting it on the desk, running trembling fingers through her hair because why couldn't she just keep it in?

“Shelby what the hell-”

She knelt next to Toni, pulling the girl's head towards hers, fingers running frantically up and down that cross because Lord save her ass.

“Toni, I,” Placing her lips tentatively on Tonis, just softly, she let the brunette reciprocate or push her away. Her roommate's mouth melted into her own, exploring slowly, carefully. Toni tasted like Taki's. Before she could dwell on the flavor stuck to the girl's lips, Toni had pulled away, head shaking frantically. 

“Shelby I can’t do this again. I know you want to try out a gay girl for a moment but that girl can’t be me. After the party… shit just gets weird after you make out with straight girls.”

Placing her head in her hands she tried to shake away the thought. But there it sat, persistent as ever refusing to budge, _and fuck_. “Toni, I’m not straight.”

Toni's mouth hung agape, her eyes seemingly moving as she mentally re-ran the conversation, hands playing with the comforter that separated them. Silence hung between them like a thick cloud of a fuking mess because shit, this was one thing more than any; she knew could never be taken back. 

Shelby felt the bile rising in her stomach and held up a hand. “Just give me one second.”

Running to the bathroom, her chest heaved over the toilet as she threw up. Nausea pummeled her in waves, griping at the edges of her stomach and tearing inward. She had just come out to her roommate. _A roommate I like. Shit._ Thoughts pressed in, wondering who Toni would tell, how she would tell her parents, how Goodkind's disowned that which they did not agree with or value. Shelby was a mistake.

Warm hands were on her back almost instantly, combing her hair out of her sweaty face. 

“You good Texas?”

Resting her temple on the knee of the girl crouched beside her, she hid her face. “Perfect.”

“You,” Toni brushed her hair back as she threw up again, palm running circled on her spine, comforting in a way that made her vibrate all over. “You wanna talk about it?”

Shelby laughed and wiped her mouth. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel too.”

Ducking her head into the toilet again, the brunette's palm never left her back.

  
Shelby felt the laughter rising in her throat as she dropped her head into Toni. “I don’t know if I’m ready to do this just yet.” 

Toni nodded and sat down on the tiles, pulling Shelby into her. “Whenever you need to talk I’m here to listen.”

She chuckled into Toni’s chest. “Fatin said the exact same thing.”

“Wait Fatin knows?” 

“Oh yeah. I think she figured it out pretty early on. Gave me a right talkin’ to in the car on the way to pick you -” She shook her head, remembering she was meant to be helping the brunette, not loading up with yet more baggage. “Shit, I’m meant to be the one helping you.”

“You have one heck of a mouth on you today huh?” Fingertips played aimlessly with her scalp, calming them both. “This is actually a good distraction. Kind of a shock but a distraction.”

“You didn’t know?”

“Shelby of course I didn’t fucking know. I’ve been watching my every move trying every second not to freak you out with the gay,”

“Wait I made you feel like that?”

“Shelby, you consonantly had a go at me for anything gay.”

Her eyes welled up and salty water lined her cheeks. “I’m sorry. It's like the more I tried not to mess up the bigger the fricken hole got.”

Toni felt tears dripping on her hand, moving to wipe them from the blonde's face. “Hey,” She pulled her face up, the two’s eyes meeting. “Hey, it’s fine. Well it’s not fine, it was entirely shitty, but I just, I wish I could have seen what you were dealing with.”

There was something strong that sat between them, that pulled them closer together than just the arms that were still wound tightly around her, protecting her from herself.

Shelby ran a thumb along her roommate's lips. “I kind of want to kiss you right now but I just threw up.” 

“I’m still fine for you to kiss me.” 

Punching the girl playfully she groaned. “No that’s gross Toni.” Getting to her feet she reached for her toothbrush, watching Toni’s face on hers in the mirror, eyes ghosting over her every move and expression. She spat the toothpaste out and leaned against the sink facing her roommate. “Can we just pretend like all of this-” She motioned to the toilet. “Didn’t just happen and watch some more of that show?” _Just go back to normal._

“Shelby Goodkind, did I just hear you admit that you like The L Word?”

Laughing she pushed her back against the wall. “Shut it Shalifoe.” 

Swallowing, Toni’s eyes grew darker, her gaze moving to Shelby’s lips. “Toni I just threw u-”

Toni placed her lips on Shelby’s, the blonde tasted like peppermint but Toni? _Toni Shalifoe tasted so fucking good._ She moaned into the girl, feeling the brunette's hand on her waist. Shelby wanted them everywhere, needing the contact at any and every given point. Toni brought her top lip in and bit it playfully, she tightened her grip; holding onto her for support because never had she felt this damn good, her head light and dizzy. Hands wandered up Toni’s shirt, tracing the girl's stomach, aching for anything more. 

“Fuck.”

A breathy moan drove Shelby to the brink, emotions welling inside of her as the heat seemed to just travel lower. She pulled Toni’s hand into her own, moving it up her shirt to where she needed it. 

But then, all too quickly her roommate's lips were off her own and she was missing every second of contact. “Shelby, are you sure? You just- It’s a lot is all.”

“I’m sure.”

Before Toni could reply Shelby’s lips were on hers again stirring up a fire all of her own. “Okay, but can we not do whatever we’re doing in the bathroom.”

“Oh god could you imagine if my first time was in a bathroom?” 

“You’re a virgin?”

Shelby dropped her head against her roommate's chest hiding her face. “Yeah. Total picture-perfect bible girl huh?” Dropping onto her roommate's bed she held her face in her hands.

“Hey,” Toni ran her hands through Shelby’s waves. “I don’t care. It’s just, I want to make sure you’re happy and comfortable is all, we can just sit and watch a film if it’s easier.”

Warmth flooded the girl and she reached up pulling Toni on top of her. “I’m comfortable and I’m happy Toni. I’m just worried about your hand.” Pointing to the bandage wrapped tightly around the girl's knuckles, she held her breath. It didn't look good.

“It’s fine.” She protested. “Can’t feel a thing and I’m good using either.”

Before Toni could protest lips were on her own again, but this time it felt different. Shelby took deep breaths each time they parted, the nerves rushing off her even though she was completely confident in her decision. 

“You’re shaking Shelby.” 

“Toni it’s my first time, I’m allowed to be a little weird about it.” _I need this._ She pulled the girl back in, biting Toni’s lips as she had done with her own. 

“Fuck.”

“You know I actually love it when you cuss.” Her tongue met Toni’s as she started a tentative, soft exploration of the girl's abdomen. Her fingertips traced the line of Toni’s hips, relishing in how Toni’s lips would move faster against her own with each trail; hips bucking in its wake. 

“ _Shelby._ ” 

She pulled her hands back. “You okay?”

“Oh yeah, shit sorry I was just enjoying myself.” 

Shelby laughed and pulled her shirt over her head, looking down at Toni’s hair splayed out on the pillow below. “Fuck you’re beautiful Toni.” Her head dipped, meeting wet lips, only parting when she removed her shirt, Shelby’s eyes zoning in on Toni in a bra beneath her. “I kinda pegged you for a top.” A thought she'd accidentally spoken.

“A what?”

_Just say it_. “A top like in bed.” 

“Oh, I am.” Toni rolled the girl so Shelby was beneath her, retuning lips to one another. Shelby felt Toni’s lips trailing down the salty, sweet flesh of her neck. 

“Oh.” Shelby lifted her waist, searching for any kind of comfort, but then a tongue was running back up the spot that had just been kissed, and as her hips raised again a hand cupped her ass, and _hell this was good._

Shelby was keeping it together until Toni took her earlobe in her mouth, need pulsating at her core. “Toni, touch me,”

Eyes met her own, searching, before nodding. The brunette leaned in, hand reaching around her back and effortlessly removing her bra. “Just how much practice have you had with that?” 

Chuckling, she threw the bra to the floor, and before the blonde could fixate on why that was that easy for her, lips wrapped around her nipple. “Oh my god.” A leg slotted between her own, their thin sweatpants leaving little between flesh. When she felt Toni’s teeth pull at her nipple Shelby Goodkind thought maybe this was heaven. Toni moaned and dipped her head lower.

“Shelby can I-” She pointed at her sweats, the brunette's hands now trembling much like her own.

She simply lifted her hips and waited for her to remove them, watching in awe as Toni removed her own afterward. When she returned the pressure of her leg Shelby felt her own dampness between them; closing her eyes she smiled at the rhythm, breathing gradually speeding up.

“Don’t stop.”

But Toni stopped because of course she fucking would and there was that shit-eating grin. “Toni!” 

Lips met her own, the brunette kissing her with such intensity her legs shook, completely weakened by Toni’s tooth worrying her lip.

Hands trailed along her core over her underwear. “Oh fuck.” 

“You still okay babe?” 

_Babe. Fuck._ A simple word that made her feel so damn whole.

“Toni, please.”

Toni left her underwear on, laying down between her legs to trail kisses over her, occasionally turning her head to nip at the pale skin of the thighs that held her head in place. “Is it okay if I take them off?”

“God please.” She felt the material slide painfully slowly down her legs, then the hot breath on her. When Toni dragged her tongue up Shelby let out a moan that screamed freedom from a decade of repression because _fuck_. Shelby couldn’t find it in her to even hate herself at that moment because this felt so, entirely right. 

As she continued Shelby threw an arm over her face, breathing heavily at the building sensation.   
“Toni?”

“Shit did I hurt you?”

“No. Just, can you uh? Inside?”

“Oh. Ohh.” Toni repositioned herself, leaning all her weight on her left elbow. “Just speak to me okay, I don’t know what you want, so just tell me more or less.” Nodding frantically Shelby held her breath, a hand trailing up her stomach. “Breathe Shelby.”

She nodded, and as she took in a deep breath her roommate's finger slid into her. “Okay?” 

“Mmhmm.” She reached a hand into the girl's curls, pushing her face back to where it lingered before. With Toni’s finger moving in her and her tongue working her simultaneously Shelby moaned. “More.” 

Another finger and Shelby was tensing at Toni’s every move. Her head dipped back into her pillow, leaning back up to the sight of Toni’s eyes on her. That was all it took for Shelby Goodkind to come undone around the fingers of Toni Shalifoe. 

Toni's fingers slowed, still moving until Shelby clamped a hand on her own, shaking. “I’m uh, sensitive.” 

The brunette nodded and placed the fingers in her mouth still looking Shelby straight in the eyes. She moved to hover above her, the cheerleader pulling her in to meet the taste of herself on Toni, and hell was it good. 

“Shit I should-” She began to tug on Toni’s underwear, panicking as she realized she had zero experience in reciprocating, other than the brief L Word sex ed.

“Shelby, babe you look half asleep.” 

“I’m just blissfully a lil sleepy is all.” 

“I’ll still be here tomorrow you know, we live together.”

“I know but You haven't-”

“Shelby it’s fine, I’ll have a shower later.” 

“Why would that? Oh.”

Her hands dipped into Toni’s underwear anyway, tired fingers running through dampness.

“Oh fuck.” Toni closed her eyes.

“You’re really-”

“Yeah, that’s kind of what happens, Shelby.” For that remark, Shelby dipped a finger inside her. “Fuck.”

Shelby brought her finger up to Toni’s mouth and watched the heavenly sight of the girl tasting herself on Shelby’s fingers, a sight that made her pull the brunette's hand back between her own legs for round two.

  
“I am actually kind of tired. Toni, I feel like an ass you haven't even gotten to-”

“Shelby you’ve gone into that post-sex sleepy haze.” 

“Well yeah, I just came twice.”

Toni shook her head, kissing the girl chastely.

“Sleep.” 

An arm pulled her in. She felt Toni’s form rolling to spoon her, hand tightly holding her own, their forms melding as one. She could get used to this.


	14. The Leah Fiasco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> I'm Sorry by The Neighbourhood  
> Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was a huge day for many, US and non US, sending out some positive vibes to you all, have a great day/eve guys. As always I'm on tumblr under gay-art-vibes .

  
**Toni POV**

When Toni awoke with a smile on her face, head buried into her pillow, she felt a sense of wholeness never once present in the girl before. Her chest warm, she reached out clawing along the mattress for the presence of the girl that was no longer there. 

Sitting up Toni was met with the sight of Shelby, the girl who cried her name and told her she was beautiful between hushed whispers and nips of her neck. The girl who now was sat on her own bed, legs pulled tightly into her chin as she stared aimlessly into the distance. The fingers Toni had previously had in her mouth now wrapped around that damn cross, playing with it furiously.

“Hey.”

The blonde's eyes remained firmly fixed on the wall. “You’re awake.”

Shaking her head, she eyed the girl cautiously. “Yeah, I’m a slow starter.” Her smile faltering, Toni pulled her knees into herself, mimicking her roommate's position. “Are you… are you doing okay?”

“Real good.”

“It’s okay if you’re not you know.”

Shelby let out a huff of air. 

“If you’re a little iffy I get it.”

“Oh my god stop. Stop, stop,stop,stop” 

“I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say you’re not fully okay?”

“I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not ready to talk about it just yet.” 

Toni sucked in a breath and pulled on her shirt. 

“And not-”

“Shelby it’s fine. We can just pretend like it didn’t happen. If you need to talk though, I’m here.”

  
Toni got up and walked to the shower, letting the water run down her face as it rid her mind of thoughts of her roommate underneath her tightening around her hand. 

“Toni-” 

Exiting the shower fully clothed she was met face to face with her roommate, inches separating them before Shelby turned to start pacing back and forth. 

“Look, It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it… because I did…It’s just, I cant be- I can’t be _like you,_ Toni.” Hands pulled at her hair, eyes red. 

“ _Like me_? Shelby, it’s fine. It never happened.”

And with that Toni was out the door, heart racing as her legs carried her down the corridor. **Fuck.**

  
“Shalifoe wanna try actually landing that ball in the hoop today?”

“Fuck off Fatin.”

“Alright jeez, chill Shalifoe. You still hung up over what went down with your brother?”

Trent. Shit.

“Haven't heard a thing from him. Couldn’t care less.”

“Come on Toni, we both know that’s bullshit.”

“How’s Leah?”

“Ahh yes, the classic subject switch Shalifoe. I see right through your shit. She’s fine though, we’re heading out on a date in a bit.”

“Fuck still going strong huh? What the fuck is up with that Fatin. Normally you’re getting alarm bells but it’s been what?” She knew it shouldn't be said, but the rage sat in her heart eating away up to her mind until the words just spilled out.

“Drop it Shalifoe.”

“Aw no come on, it’s kinda weird, right? You’re an in and out kinda gal. Those timers gotta be tickin’ away-” Toni passed the ball to Martha. “Shit, hi Leah.” 

Leah dropped her gaze to her shoes, laughing to herself. “Babe-”

“Save it Fatin, why don’t I just hit that timer for you.”

“Leah that’s not what this-” Fatin kicked a ball that rolled at her feet. “Leah!”

“Fatin fuck I’m-”

The cheer team entered in tow of the male team, Shelby wandering behind. 

“Save it Shalifoe. You know what, just because your life gets fucked up doesn’t mean you get to fuck up other peoples.” Fatin tore off her jersey, running in the path of Leah.

“Hey, you girls almost done? Thought we could get some time in?” Ethan walked up to Toni. Ethan was six feet of muscle with a chiseled jaw. Toni liked Ethan, she could actually stand all of the team apart from fucking Andrew. But Ethan? Ethan came from shit too, he fully understood the need to run hot. 

“You okay Shalifoe?” Hands went to her shoulders, massaging them as he whispered something in her ear. To all of the onlookers, it might have looked like he was making a pass at her, but Toni and Ethan had a weird sibling bond where they took turns cooling one another down. 

“Get it!” 

“Fuck of Kyle.” Ethan removed his hands. “Need to talk about it?”

“Nah dude, I’m good.” 

“Okay, we're having a party in a couple of weeks, all of your team are welcome. Maybe you can meet a cute gal and blow off some steam if you know what I mean.”

Toni laughed. “Fuck off.”

“I’m taking that as a yes Shalifoe!”

“You guys can take the court were done.” Martha chucked a ball into Ethan’s arms. 

“Thanks!” He leaned into Toni, dropping his voice. “She single?”

“Oh my God dude. Yes though, she is.”

“Nice.”

“God, you’re such a bro. Hurt her and you're dead, Martha is my ray of light.”

“Taking that as a compliment Shalifoe!” He shouted at the brunette's back, only to be met with a middle finger she passed over her shoulder. 

  
As it was the weekend, Toni sat with a bowl of fried chicken and mash with her friends. Fatin refusing to meet her eye line. 

Turning to her; Dot had more than sensed the whopping cloud of tension. “Hey, Shalifoe-”

“Yeah?”

“Ever heard the joke about the chemist who was reading a book of helium?”

“Dot what-”

“He just couldn’t put it down.”

The two girls burst out laughing. _Fuck that was a shit one_. “I didn’t realize you were a dad Dot.”

“Oh come on that’s fucking gold. Fatin did you hear-”

Moving to sling her bag over her shoulder, the raven-haired girl stood and left, her chair scraping the floor. 

_Shit, I fucked up this time._

“Well fuck, she having a hard time with class or something?” 

“No, it’s something I need to fix. I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”

“Sure thing.”

Toni walked towards the doors, a cute blonde with a face like thunder stood, blocking her way. 

“Shelby.”

“Toni, I saw you guys laughing, and.. you told them didn’t you?”

“Fuck no I would never.”

“Oh because you’re ashamed of me?”

“No Shelby, you’re the one with the fucking shame. I, I can't deal with this right now.”

Toni pushed past the girl, heading to do fix the first thing she fucked up that week. 

There she sat, a textbook in hand still waiting hours later. Back cramping against the cold door that supported it, Toni ran over the text for her introductory organic chemistry class. Fuck Toni hated chemistry. 

“No.”

Toni jumped and looked up, quickly scrambling to her feet. “Shit sorry hi I-”

“Leave me alone book girl.”

“Leah, and I just want to talk.”

“Just fucking leave Toni.”

“I can’t.”

Leah walked past her, slamming the door after she entered. 

“Fuck.” Toni leaned back against the door, cracking her textbook open once more. _Well, that went fucking ace._

  
Three hours later Toni found herself falling back, head hitting the floor. “Shit.”

“Why are you still here Toni?”

“We need to talk.” She stood, rubbing at the base of her skull.

“We don’t.”

“Look what I said I need to explain.”

“I got it loud and clear Toni.” Leah crossed her arms, pivoting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

“Look five minutes? That’s all, then I’ll go.”

“Fuck, fine. But only because I don’t think you’re gonna piss off any time soon. Five fucking minutes.”

Toni felt the door slam behind her and turned to face the girl. “Fatin she likes you, Leah.”

“Yeah I know, for how long, what was it you said? Like five fucking minutes?” 

Swallowing Toni ran her hands through her hair. “Look, I was pissed and messing with her.”

“So it’s not true? Because I know she was dating ten other people when we started dating. I know what she’s like I just thought-”

“You are different.”

“How the fuck do you know that book girl. No offense but I think I know how this ends. We had fun, we’re done.”

“No you don’t-” Toni sat on the bed. “Fatin likes you, Leah. I know Fatin and she doesn’t act like this in a relationship. Fatin doesn’t do relationships.”

“We’re not girlfriends Toni.”

“You may as well have been, Fatin hasn’t dated anyone in what, months? Do you know how fucking weird that is for her?”

“It’s temporary, I’ve dated guys like it before I know how this goes.”

“Did Fatin tell you how we met?”

“No.”

“We used to date.”

“Oh of course you did. Fuck.” The girl chuckled to herself, a short laugh void of humor.

“No, what I mean is I know Fatin. We lasted under two weeks, since then she’s never even seen someone more than a week in a row. Leah around you she’s fucking weird. She smiles, plays with her hair, fuck she’s just. She loves you, Leah. I don’t know how you can’t see that but right now… She’s just a mess without you. Fatin has never ignored me, yet she won't even look in my direction right now because she’s heart broken as shit.”

Leah sat on her roommate’s bed. “She doesn't. Fatin can't-oh fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“I just, I don’t know what the hell is going on in her head Toni. She’s such a closed book. The girl is basically a fucking onion."

"An onion?"

"Yes, a fucking onion Toni. When I think I'm starting to get through it's like, surprise bitch there's another fucking layer."

"Personally I would have said shes more of a Russian doll-"

"One minute she’s kissing me the next minute she’s walking past me like I don’t exist to have lunch with you.”

“I don’t think Fatin has ever been in a relationship Leah. I don’t think she even knows how to. It’s like she’s not automatically programmed to know how to correctly express herself.”

Leah eyed the girl. “God that sounds familiar.”

“Why do you think we’re friends?” Toni bit her nails. “Look, just, you might just have to help her along a bit. Be the first to come to sit with her, to move things forward or bring up emotions.”

“Why should I bother Toni?”

“Because you love her too Leah.” Toni stood, moving to the door. “Just, give her a chance yeah?”


	15. Time To Grow A Uterus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> I'm On Fire - Live covered by Heather Nova  
> Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
> 
> TW: Brief assault at beginning, some E rated content toward the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is saved in drafts, if I post late it's because I'm busy staring at Sandra Bullock memes. Stay awesome guys, I'm on tumblr under gay-art-vibes if you need to shoot questions/prompts or random posts of dogs with geese.

  
**Toni POV**

Toni stood at the men’s basketball frat party, her feet sticking to the grimly suspicious carpet gloop. Jordan Belfort’s ‘Wes Walker’ blared in the background, yet again. _Such a frat song jeez._

“I hear you held my girl captive?” Fatin pushed a can of Four Loco into her hand.

“Trying to get me drunk Fatin.”

“Trying to get you fucked Toni. You’re more likeable drunk.”

“Fuck off.”

“My girlfriend told me I needed to thank you by the way.”

Toni rose a brow. “Girlfriend? Fuck, who would have thought I’d be alive to see the day-”

“Suck my dick Shalifoe. Thank you though, you know, for fixing the massive pile of shit YOU put me in.”

“Look I’m sorry-”

“It’s fine. Just, drink, have fun and we’ll find you a girl.”

A palm slapped her back, spilling the alcohol from her mouth.

“I don’t need to-”

She followed Toni’s eyeline that longingly gazed at a certain blonde in a tight black dress.

 _Fuck she looks good_.

“Just drink up. Enjoy yourself for once, and I don't know, maybe make good choices?”

"Yes, Mom." _Jeez._

The girl who stood across from her- undeniably hot legs poking from a short black dress- took a drink from fucking Andrew of all people. _Fuck my life_. Toni would not focus on this, nor would she let the hot and cold human manifestation of a dilemma ruin her fucking night. She was better than being hung up on someone who couldn't even face her to talk, to explain why the fuck she trod on Toni's heart after she put it on her God damn sleeve. _I am better than this fucking shit heap scenario._

Another swig of alcohol burned hot down her throat. _Let's fucking party Shalifoe._

**Shelby POV**

“Shelbs, you see me down that?” Andrew smiled at her, her stomach twisting at the sight of Toni walking away shaking her head. _Why is she always so fricken hot-headed?_

“Yeah. Sure.” She wasn’t listening to a thing he was saying, completely lost to the experience that was that intoxicating brunette. 

“Shelby!” Alice put an arm on hers. 

“You made it! Yes!”

Alice was a member of her cheer team; six foot of goddess, challenging Gal Gadot for that Wonder Woman role. She stood in a dress that barely covered her ass, carrying a bottle of heck knew what alcohol she'd sponged off a frat guy. Shelby kind of wished she had the confidence the girl did, not the fake smile and laugh she put on, but the actual confident I slay bitches presence Alice had. _Keep dreamin' Goodkind_.

“Obviously? Think I would miss this? An entire week of study I’m ready to let go bitch!” Towing Shelby by the wrist she pulled her through tight crowds of sweaty, intoxicated strangers to dance, every now and then batting a strangers hand that snaked it's way around her hip because _heck guys are gross_. 

She sipped on her beer, wondering where the heck her roommate was. Who she was with. Toni had an ever-present place in the girl's mind, something she could no longer deny. She accepted that it was a presence that would never leave, questioning her morality at every chance.

“Oh, who's that?” She looked up to see Toni and Fatin dancing with the basketball team member she'd been awful close with on the court; Ethan. Knowing she shouldn’t be jealous because Toni was gay as heck, there was still that creeping doubt as his hands travelled to his hips she knew she needed to split them apart before her heart ripped out of her chest. 

“That’s Ethan. You know him, he’s on the team. Single too.” Shelby winked at the girl.

“Oh. Ohhh. No. I meant the girl he’s dancing with.”

“Oh, that’s just Toni.”

“Whose just Toni?” 

“My roommate, she’s on the girls team.” Shelby swallowed. 

“She single?” Alice stood staring the girl up and down.

“Why do you care if Toni’s single?”

“Shelby I’m bi? Your roommate is hot and I can sense the gay coming off her in waves.”

As soon as her brain computed what had been said her heart sunk into the floor. "I think she’s dating someone.” _Since when the hell is she bi?_

“You sure? She seems awful cosy with that girl who just walked up to her?” 

Fatin pushed a girl towards Toni and raised her beer as they started to grind on each other. She held back the tears, memories of their night together lost in her roommates hands upon whoever the heck that was. 

“I guess not.”

“Cool can you introduce me then?”

Following in the shadow of the girl trailing her along, she gritted her teeth, holding in that all too familiar nausea. “Hey.” 

Toni stopped dancing and just stared at her, Fatin looking between the two like she was completing some kind of mental agility. 

“Toni this is Alice.” Shelby pushed the girl forward as if she was an offering.

“Hi, Toni, nice to meet you.” The brunette searched her face, looking for any sense this was some kind of odd joke.

Toni simply laughed at her as Alice passed her a beer, her hand brushing against the brunette's wrist. A spiteful, hate ridden laugh that struck her right to the core because now she had truly fucked the remnants of whatever _this_ was up.

“Hi, Alice. Toni.” 

Alice smiled, pulling the girl along to the corner of the room. Shelby simply stood, watching and unable to move because, shit. 

“You all right there Goodkind?” 

“Yes.” Shelby pulled the drink Fatin held out for her immediately to her lips, swallowing as the warm liquid ran down her throat. _Completely fricken fine Shelbs_.

“Shit slow down there.”

Toni pushed Alice back against the wall, their lips meeting. Shelby downed the can. 

“Dude seriously that shit hits hard. Cool it.”

A tear ran down Shelby’s cheek as Andrews arms wrapped around her. 

“Hey, babe.” Alcohol wreaked through his breath, his grip tight around her neck; possessive. 

“Move on Andrew. Just give me some space”

“Oh come on Shelby, we were going great. Come on, just think about it. I could make you feel great.”

“Andrew please get off, you're drunk.”

"Naw I'm happy here babe."

"Andrew, please."

“Hey dude, how about you take a step the hell back?” Fatin raised her voice. 

“What the fuck Shelby? Tell your guard dog to chill the hell out.” 

“What did you call me?”

“Andrew we’re over. Just leave.” 

Andrew dropped his drink, taking a hard palm directly across Shelby’s face. The sound that filled the air left everyone turning, the blonde reaching for the pain that filled her cheek. 

Before anyone could think, move or speak, Andrew was on the floor, nose pouring with blood. 

“Just fucking try that again.” Toni climbed on top of the boy, landing another punch before Ethan pulled her off. 

“He’s not worth your scholarship.” He whispered, Toni’s eyes burning furiously. 

With all eyes on her, Shelby had to leave. Since pageants she couldn’t stand to be the centre of attention; the stage was for judgin’. Elsewhere she just wanted to blend the heck in, settle for anonymity in the masses. Feet carrying her fast to the bathroom, she shut herself inside as she met her reflection with red eyes. Her cheek was bright red, showing even through her thick foundation. Her eye-liner slightly smudged in the corner, the black of it melding with tears, the very slight blue of a bruise settling on her cheekbone. 

“Shelby.” Fists pounded on the door. “Just let me in.” Another fist. “Please.” Toni’s voice broke. “I just need to know you’re o-”

She opened the door shutting it behind Toni, the brunette took her face in her palms as she entered, eyes zeroing in on the dammage. “Fuck. I’m gonna fucking kill him.” Toni’s eyes were violently dark as she turned to grab the door. 

Taking her wrist before she could leave the blonde pulled her in, resting her forehead against her roommate's collarbone. Tears streamed steadily from her face down Toni’s chest.

"Just stay, please?"

“Are you okay?” The basketballer’s voice mumbled into her hair. Shelby wiped her eyes, meeting her roommates. 

“You kissed Alice?” _You kissed Alice. How the heck can I compete with that?_

Eyes widening, the brunette pushed away. “Shelby, you literally set me up with her. You’ve acted like I don’t exist. What the fuck was I supposed to take away from that?”

“She caught me off guard and you were dancing on Ethan and I didn’t realise she was-”

“Shelbs I’m gay as shit. Ethan is a friend.”

Her dripping eye makeup was fucked at this point, as she caught a glimpse of her reflection she was pretty sure she looked like she should be in Black Sabbath or Kiss with the savage as fuck makeup job she had going on right now. Her roommate moved to wipe her eyes, thumbs caressing the black smudge on her cheeks.

“Hey, are you okay though? I will kill him for that-”

“Toni, leave it. I’m pretty sure you broke his nose and you need to keep your scholarship.”

“Yeah but he hasn’t left yet I could probably get another in-”

Pulling Toni’s face towards her own, her lips crashed against the salty taste of her own tears on Toni’s tongue. 

Placing a hand on her ass the brunette pulled her in and sat her on the counter, deepening the kiss, her head hitting the mirror behind.

“Fuck.”

“Shelby we don’t have to do this again. I know last time-”

She bit the girl's lip, nails digging into the flesh of Toni’s back at the moan it drew from her. _God last time was good._

“Shelby I’m serious.”

“I haven’t stopped thinkin’ about that night.” _Damn it, that night, those hands, her lips, shit._

Her roommate was the one to reconnect their lips, hiking Shelby’s dress up slightly as she lifted her hips, resting a hand on the bare skin of her thigh, the white of it flushing scarlet at the intensity of her grip.

“Shit.”

“Shelby you have a foul mouth when you’re turned on.” 

“Toni just kiss me. Fuck.”

Tongue tracing her own, hands slowly slipped higher up her thighs as Shelby moaned into the kiss. Higher towards where she needed them. 

“Toni is Shelby-”

Fatin opened the door, taking note of her friends hand up the girls dress, the two of them turning to see her with bruised lips and dark eyes. 

“Well fuck.” Fatin stepped in the room locking the door behind her. “I’m going to walk back out there, and just pretend I saw none of,” She motioned between the two. “this.” A smile curled at the corner of her mouth. “Called it though.” Fatin opened the door. “Lock that behind me this time huh?”

“Fuck.” Shelby ran her hands through her hair eyes wide with fear. “She can’t know about this. No one can know. Shit Toni. I can't do this.” Climbing off the sink, nausea settled in that spot it was getting to know all too well. 

“Fatin won’t talk. Glad to see where we stand Texas. Hope you’re okay.” The girl walked out and shit. Shelby ran her fingers through tangled hair. _Why do I keep messing this the hell up?_

Shelby knew then, as she sunk, legs week, hands gripping on to the support of the sink, that the pain of watching Toni leave was worse than any fear she had of people finding out about her, so there she got up and followed, trying to find that damn girl. 

  
Unstable limbs carried up the hall to her dorm, heart pounding as she sweat because _god what on earth was this dress made out of?_ She had no idea where Toni went, no sight of curls and dark eyes since leaving that stupid ass frat party. Hands on the door she swung it open. 

“Toni?” 

“Shelby just leave me-”

“I’m sorry.” Shelby pushed Toni against the bathroom door, placing a single kiss on her lips. 

She had felt something since Toni punched Andrew in the face. Shelby wanted to make Toni feel just as good as she did, _now or never Goodkind_. A hand dropped down the front of the girl's sweat pants. _Just take it slowly._

“Shelby, we need to tal-” She ran a finger along her length, glad Toni had forgone the underwear.

“Fuck.”

"Still want to talk?"

"Later."

“I’ve never don’t this before… So just help me out a bit I guess.” 

A finger was inside her then; the girl groaned into her ear. Shelby didn’t apparently need any help as she moved her hand within the girl, placing chaste kisses on her mouth before returning her attention to Toni’s neck, her own heart thudding, the sensation of the girl around her hitting her deep in the stomach.

“Oh God.” 

“My name’s Shelby.” 

“Why do you still have to be like that with your fingers in me?”

“Shut up and let me fuck you Toni Shalifoe.”

She added another finger, her other arm supporting Toni’s back as her knees weakened. The girl's breath quickened and she kissed her for dear life because was she hell letting Toni Shalifoe out of her life. Shelby wanted her like nothing before, and as hips rolled into her palm she smiled, knowing this was her safety. Toni was her safety regardless of the world between them and regardless of the shit and judgement, Shelby Goodkind was _hers_. 

Her hands shook slightly because honestly? Shelby had no damn clue where to touch, what to move, how to communicate with the girl that writhed beneath her hand, and that scared the shit out of her. Toni was experienced and used to all of this but Shelby? She was just going off of a hunch and the pace of Toni's hips and the noises that momentarily left the girls lips between hot breaths on her skin.

Running a tongue along the girl's neck she sped her pace as Toni had with herself, thumb burning in pain as she watched her roommate entirely lost to the sensation. _Shit, this hurt._

“Fuck Shelby I’m-”

She placed her lips on Toni’s, feeling them vibrate as the girl shuddered into the kiss, releasing a loud moan that Shelby knew was heaven.

A hand covered hers, pulling it out of Toni and right back into the brunette's mouth. Placing her lips on the girls she tasted her, but only briefly. Shelby’s mouth watered and she lifted Toni to the bed. 

“Shelby what the fuck, you’re freakishly strong.” 

She threw the girl on the bed. 

“I’m a cheerleader Toni. We have muscles.”

“Okay, but you’re ruining my credit as a top.” 

“Nah you look kinda' cute as a bottom.” Shelby pulled her sweats off. 

“Shelby!”

“Toni, for the past week I’ve thought of literally nothing but what you taste like. Do you know how disturbing it is doing a dissection and I’m literally stood there thinkin’ about how you-”

Dark eyes met her own. Brown lost entirely to the black of her pupil. “You’re beautiful Shelby.” Toni pushed the hair out of her face.

Meeting wet lips briefly, Shelby lifted her head before climbing down the girl's body. A tongue ran tentatively up Toni and-

“Fuck.”

Shelby knew at that first taste she could never push Toni Shalifoe away from her again. Shelby wanted to live right here, between her legs, eternally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


	16. You're awfully intoxicating, Shelby Goodkind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Mmm... by Laura Izibor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, any references to Jake as Dot's boyfriend are to Jake Gyllenhaal. This is the bar of icon level shit we're aiming for here. However, he is also intended to be the same age as Dot in this fic, even though we know he gets sexier with age, we want to keep things age-appropriate here. Find me on tumblr gay-art-vibes. (My internet went down today but praying my 4g holds up to post until then.)

**Toni POV**

Awaking Toni expected one thing as she reached out; emptiness. But when fingertips traced the spine of the girl next to her, Shelby turned, meeting her lips, the mouth of her roommate tasting like alcohol and peppermint, soft against her own. Toni thought perhaps this was a dream; things never settled like this for Toni, they never end right. 

“Mornin’” A leg wrapped around her hip, pulling her in. 

“You’re still here?” Her voice cracked, knowing the illusion would shatter soon. Shelby would realize what had happened again and ignore her, a reality she feared to face. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Yet Shelby stood, and her heart leaped at the girl’s absence. “Except to brush my teeth.” She kissed Toni’s forehead. “Darn Toni where the heck is my underwear.” 

Her head reeled at the sight of the blonde, bent over searching for the remnants of clothing from the night prior. “Your bed.” 

Shelby pulled her underwear and Toni’s jersey on, walking to the bathroom. This was a sight that warmed Toni to the core, making her feel something obscure that settled oddly in her chest. _Fuck she is beautiful._

Reappearing in a towel Toni audibly swallowed at the sight of wet limbs and soggy hair, the cute red nose, and cheeks of the southern girl lighting up her face. “You know we’re going to get like no work done if you walk around like that.”

Shelby smiled smugly, dropping the towel. 

“Fuck.”

  
Toni kissed bruised lips, running a hand over the red of Shelby’s cheek, the violet tint to her skin a cruel reminder of the night before. _Fuck that guy._

“What are you thinking?” A hand pushed the hair from her eyes.

“I’m gonna fuck Andrew up.” _He will wish he had never fucking met me_.

“Toni you already have, I need you here. You can’t. If you lose your scholarship that will hurt more than anythi-”

The panic written over the girl's face was enough to warm the cold reminder that chipped away at her anger. “I won't.”

She leaned in, moaning as Toni traced circles on her inner thigh, a smile sat on her face to pure; so devoid of the hatred that sat between them for the past days. 

“Shelby, what are we doing?”

Her roommate swallowed. “I don’t know.” As Toni went to stand a hand wrapped around her own, pulling her back. “But I do know I don’t want it to stop.” Shelby’s eyes were glassy as she sat up, resting her head in the crook of Toni’s neck. “I just need you. I can’t, you won’t leave again?” The confession on the girl’s lips was spoken into the bare skin of her collarbone.

“I get that. I want this, I just.” She kissed the girl's forehead. “What do we tell people?”

Frozen in her hands, Shelby’s fragile form was concrete in her grasp. “I can’t come out Toni, not yet. I want to but right now-” 

“Can I tell Fatin?” 

The girl vibrated in her arms, chuckling. “Toni, she saw you last night with your hand up my damn dress. I think that fricken’ armadillo is out of the bag.”

Toni smiled. Fatin knowing was something, even if she felt like the situation was edging her slowly back into the closet Toni had spent her life avoiding. _She’s worth it._

“Okay. But, can we be friends, outside of this room? I just, I can’t deal with you ignoring me Shelby, it fucks with my game and studies. I can't keep doing that shit.”

“I’m sorry.” Fingers pressed into her hip, tapping away as if fighting something in her mind. “We can be friends outside of here, no one will think a thing about that. I just mean like what we do in here, needs to stay in here. For now. I just, I need to process Toni.”

“You mean I can’t sit with my fingers in you in the cafeteria?”

Shelby punched the girl playfully. “Toniiiii, I’m serious.” 

Lips were on her own, the blonde wrapping her legs around Toni as they both sat on the bed. 

“You’re awfully intoxicating Shelby Goodkind.” 

“Shelby?” Fatin shot her a shit-eating grin. “You’re sitting with… us?”

“Yeah. Just wanted some food, all the other girls are in class.”

“Oh, we feel so privileged.” Dot shot her a wink, Jake, Dot's new boyfriend moving to sit her on top of his lap. “Hey leave my chicken.” She hit the boy’s hand away.

Toni felt Shelby’s hand next to hers, electricity pulsating between the short distance that separated them. Swallowing, she had thought this doable, but as the girl ate next to her she just wanted those lips on her own. 

“Shelbs, you have some mayo-”

She dabbed at her face, the cheerleader looking to the brunette for clarification she had got it. 

“Uh no,” Picking up a napkin Toni titled the girl's head and dabbed. “There, all good.” 

“You two are getting along now.” Leah sat on Fatin’s lap. 

Toni felt her roommate tense beside her. “Whatever. Texas isn’t awful. A pain in my ass? Yes. But not awful.”

Shelby loosened at her words. “Yeah, Toni’s only a pain when she’s hogging the fricken shower.”

“Thank god, we were just about done with you two bickering like kids. Glad your friends now, guess we can finally have some peace.” Leah placed a kiss on her girlfriend’s lips. 

“Did you guys want to come, we were gonna hit up the cinema?”

Everyone at the table hummed along in a chorus of an agreement; everyone but Shelby. Toni wasn’t sure if it was fear of being seen with her, or fear that she didn’t belong in the group itself; either way, it made her stomach dip.

“Texas you’ve been studying like mad, just take a damn break.” Toni wanted her to come, mainly out of comfort, fearing any distance from the girl but also because even with Shelby not out, _this was a date_. And Toni Shalifoe really wanted to take her roommate out. 

“Fine.”

  
The cinema was dark, all the girls sat in the back row, Shelby squished against Toni right in the corner.

“What film is this?”

Leaning in the brunette passed her the popcorn. “Honestly I have no idea. Some film Fatin wanted to see, so probably action or sci-fi.”

As a scream ripped from the screen and Toni recoiled. **_Fuck, that bitch picked a horror._**

Toni Shalifoe had one thing she held on tighter to anything in life; her reputation. As a character dragged a dead body across the screen she moved her eyes down, focussing on the seats in front, ignoring the distant ringing in her ears. Toni knew one thing threatened that reputation, she was scared shitless of fucking horrors. 

“You okay?” Shelby wrapped a hand around her own out of view of the others. 

“Mmhmm.” She swallowed, focussing on the contact of the hand next to her rather than the panicked cries coming from the speakers. 

“Dang get him!” Shelby shouted at the screen, Fatin chuckling down the line from them.

Toni met the girl's eyes, shooting Fatin a ‘ **why the fuck did you choose this** ’ look. Fatin knew Toni’s fear of horrors, relishing in her absolute terror. 

“Fuck.” Toni’s eyes met the screen as a body fell from the closet. 

Fumbling for her drink, she focussed on her coke, slurping away to hide the screams. 

She lasted an hour, an hour of blood filled horror before she was completely fucking DONE. 

“I’m just going to the toilet.” She shuffled past the line of girls and Jake, her knees week and shaking. 

  
Bracing herself against the sink she mentally ran the numbers of how many minutes she could stay here; flying under the toilet guise. Maybe ten? Stomach convulsing she tried not to think of the sounds or sights. Though she would never let it on, Toni found horrors hard to swallow. Having been raised in houses with drugs and strangers, violence and fear; she found little comfort in seeing that on-screen. It was something she’d never even told Fatin, going under the cover of just having a thing for blood. Blood didn’t really bother Toni. It was the fear, the screams. 

She splashed the water on her face, feeling the cool liquid drip from her cheeks. “You okay in here?”

Looking up, her roommate stared down at her glassy eyes, humor going to concern in a matter of seconds. “Shit are you okay, Toni?”

Nodding Toni wiped her face dry with the sleeve of her denim jacket. “Yeah, all good. I’ll be back out in a minute.” Pulling her phone out of her pocket Toni did her best to look busy. “Just had some texts to reply to.”

Shelby looked anything but convinced. “Toni, I know you’re lying. What's up? Is it because I can’t be out in public?”Shelby bounced anxiously on the balls of her feet. “ ’Cause I’m still workin’ on that. I’ll get there, it’s just-”

“Shelby I’m fine it’s not you.” 

“Then what is it, Toni? I’m doing my best to talk to you, to communicate because that’s always where we mess up but I’m kinda hittin’ a wall here.”

Toni sat on the sink, tugging nervously at her sleeves. She could continue to keep up her reputation, but that would cause the girl to leave, however, telling her didn’t sound like the best of options either. Shelby came from money, family, and love, no matter how conditional that love is, it was there to begin with.

_What the fuck do I do?_

“I’m just not a fan of horror films.”

Shelby put her hands on Toni’s thighs. “Toni, I know people who don’t like horrors and they don’t get all weird about it like this.”

“I-” Toni ran a hand through her hair. “I grew up in shitty housing Shelby, with violent families and drugs and-” Her hand shook as it returned to brace her weight on the sink. “I just can’t deal with the screaming, the fear… the panic it just fucks me up. I can't,” A tear ran down Toni’s cheek. Fuck.

“Hey,” Shelby covered her hands with her own. “Hey, It’s okay.” 

Wiping her cheeks, Shelby did her best to keep her perfectly pink, manicured nails from poking Toni in the eye. Toni kind of feared those talons.

“It’s not okay. It’s dumb as shit Shelbs.”

“It’s not dumb. What do ya say we get another ticket and find something a little more fun? They’re showing some old classics, Bring It On is running?”

“I am not gonna watch some chick flick-”

“It’s good Toni, pleaseee?” Shelby kissed the girl, pulling her head in tight. 

“That’s blackmail.” Her heart couldn’t help but warm because the girl was risking outing herself to comfort her in a public bathroom.

“Come on,” Shelby pulled her from the sink, smacking her ass for good measure. “Let’s go watch some crazy cheer shit.”

“Ugh.”

  
As it turned out, Toni mindlessly ate her popcorn in the first thirty minutes. Too absorbed in the dance scenes to contemplate Shelby’s hand on her thigh, or the smiles Shelby shot her whilst watching the girl entranced. Shelby watched on as Toni laughed, recited lines to her, and tapped her foot to the musical introduction. Shelby realized then, she was very much in love with Toni Shalifoe.

  
“Get up Toni.” A pillow met her face with force. 

“Fuck Shelby, what the hell?” 

“Fatin’s on her way, you’re meant to be going to that party tonight?” 

She grabbed the girl's waist, pulling her onto her lap. “Morning babe.” 

Barely hiding the grin that spread across her face, Shelby pulled her roommate up. “Mm, morning sweetie.”

“Sweetie?” Toni eyed the girl curiously. 

“Yeah, you’re sweet Toni Shalifoe.”

“I don’t think many people would agree.” Toni pulled the girl in for a kiss, eyes darting to the clock.   
“Shit I slept through the entire fucking day?”

“I tried to wake you three hours ago but you tried to bite me.” 

“Me? Never.” Toni stood, pulling on her tee. “I’m showering quick, I’ll be like ten minutes. You still going?”

“Yeah, Ima head over with the cheer girls though.” 

Toni climbed out of the shower, pulling on pants and a crop top. “Babe, have you seen my,”

“Babe? Wow, that moved fast.” Fatin sat smiling on her bed next to a furiously blushing blonde. 

“Yeah, she’s whipped.” Shelby kicked her feet up. 

“Fuck off.” Toni planted a chaste kiss on her roommate's lips, Shelby initially a little unsettled with the PDA, leaned in to pull her back once she contemplated and knew she was safe. 

“You coming with us tonight?” Fatin played with her keys.

“Nah, I’m heading over with the team. Promised Alice and the girls.”

“Alice?” Toni swallowed. _Oh. Very cute, very bi Alice._ But Toni refused to be threatened, she could take her on.

“Why is the music so loud?” Toni shouted at Leah. 

“I think they want the base to pump the alcohol out of our system.”

“Well, it’s fucking working all right.” Taking a beer from Martha she looked out into the crowd for a specific blonde. 

“Looking for someone in particular?” Martha rose an eyebrow. 

“Nah.” But she was, and Toni was yet to find her. 

  
**Shelby POV**

With five beers in her system, Toni was grinning like mad, dancing with the girls. Shelby stood with her vodka in hand, mixed with some fizzy pop to make it consumable. The liquid warmed her veins. What cooled her down like an ice bucket to the head was Alice walking over to Toni, dancing with hands on her hips. 

To her credit, the brunette gently pushed her hands off, turning to dance with Martha. Alice however? Alice took that an opportunity to dance against Toni’s ass. Great.

“What you staring at Goodkind?” Fatin’s hand landed on her shoulder, breaking her out of whatever jealous trance she stood in. “Ohh,” She looked to Shelby. “Need me to intercept?” 

Shelby shook her head. She would not be that jealous girl, she trusted Toni, even as Alice grabbed her ass and- “Please.” 

Fatin nodded, using her height to part the crowd like the red sea, slotting herself between the two girls. 

_Thank heck._

  
So there Shelby sat, grumpily nursing drinks all night as the buzz grew, as did the need to kiss Toni. 

“Hey, babe.” Toni leaned into her ear, sure to keep her voice low. “Do you wanna get out of here?” 

That was the first thing that had made Shelby smile all night. 

  
As the cool breeze hit their faces, Shelby wrapped an arm around the girl for support, accidentally grasping at her roommate's breast, her head fuzzy with the crazy amounts of alcohol that lingered in her system. 

“That’s an awful lot of public contact their Shelby.”

“Shut up Toni.” The girl kissed her neck. It was a small gesture, and there was no one around, but Toni still basked in all three seconds of it. 

Toni kicked the dirt. “So Fatin is going up to her parent's cabin for Thanksgiving, I know you have a close family so it’s probably not your thing, but she said you’re welcome to join. As ‘friends’ obviously, but we’d have to share a room as everyone else is already doubled up. Lots of the girls are sharing though, it’s not like they’d catch on.”

Shelby swallowed. “Yeah, my parents probably will be wanting me back.” 

The brunette's shoulders slumped around her frame, just slightly but enough for Shelby to feel the slowing of her heart. Who did Toni normally celebrate Thanksgiving with? 

“But I can try to get out of it, they like you... well, the southern belle act you put on. That might buy me a ticket to pass up on them.”

Toni kissed her messily as she shut the door of their room. “There’s no pressure… I’d just kind of like a few days away to chill with you. I know we can’t say anything but even behind closed doors or at a distance among friends I’m still happy.”

“I’d like that too.” 


	17. The Cabin in the Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac. 
> 
> TW: Some M/E rated brief content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My internet is still down, so there may be some errors in this as I'm trying to post fast on a shitty 4g hotspot (praise the internet Lords.) Have a rad weekend guys, hydrateee, eat, sleep, conquer the world. I'm on tumblr @ gay-art-vibes .

**Toni POV**

Watching Shelby trying to move her limbs in the five hundred layers Toni had lent her for Minnesota winter was cute as hell. The southern girl looked like a black tire, trudging along with a bright pink nose and shivering lips. She wondered how the hell the girl would survive on a deserted island if this was her dealing with temperature change. 

“Shelby it’s literally fifty meters to the house.”

“It’s so darn cold Toni, please tell me it’s not like this inside. I might lose my toes.”

“Wow, you really did grow up in Texas weather huh? And no, it's warm as hell inside, plus Fatin’s parents have this fancy-ass fireplace.” 

“Fine, can you help me though? I don’t wanna fall on my ass.”

“Yes babe, I’ll be sure to grab your ass should you start to fall.”

She hit Toni. 

“Hey no violence, you two are gonna get along for this trip okay?” Dot came out with Martha, Nora, and her sister Rachel in tow. “Let's grab these bags girls. Toni, help Shelby out for God’s sake, she’s a minute off breaking a bone, whatever the fuck the grudges you two hold against each other are; you’re putting them to the side for this fucking trip okay?”

The only grudge Toni had against the girl right now is she had stolen her favorite pair of basketball shorts. Then again her ass did look great in them.

Toni dropped Shelby on the bed. 

“Come unwrap me I can’t feel my fingers.” Shelby sat on the bed, hands still shaking from the cold. 

“You know Texas that would sound a whole lot sexier if you didn’t look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man right now.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been less sexy in my life and that includes when I see myself at the hairdresser with wet hair and rollers in.”

Pulling the zips, Toni made her way through layer by layer, gradually stripping the girl down to her tee and jeans, hands rubbing the heat back into her methodically. “Do you want some fluffy socks?” 

“Please.”

Placing one on each foot she shuffled up the bed meeting the girl's frozen lips. “Babe if you need to there’s a shower ensuite, it’ll help you warm up.”

“Come wash my hair for me?” 

Toni traced her lips with her tongue. Fuck. Then again she was still freezing and probably actually needed the help. “People will start noticing we’re absent.”

“It's five minutes Toni. Just lock the bedroom door.”

She knew in hindsight it probably wasn’t the best of ideas. But then Shelby was dropping her clothes and under the hot spray and shit. Toni was gay as fuck.

Massaging the shampoo into the girl's hair Toni worked freeing any knots and tangles. “That feels so good.”

Toni swallowed. _Yeah, it feels good for me too_. What started as a genuine act of help to clean her hair, changed the moment Toni placed a kiss on the girl's shoulder. Shelby moaned slightly at the contact. 

“You warming up?”

Shelby nodded, hand reaching behind her to pull Toni’s lips back to her shoulder. _Oh_. Leaning down, the brunette returned her lips, watching as Shelby’s head lolled back.

“Fuck.” No sound hit Toni’s core quite like the blonde cussing, something she knew she should probably get a grip on. 

Toni dropped a hand, sliding it down the girl's back until it met her center. A hand reached forward; Shelby bracing herself against the wall. 

She never thought she had heard such a heavenly sound coming from the girl as then.

**It was not five minutes.**

  
“Ahh, you guys decided to finally show up?” Fatin shot her a look. “I hope you cleaned my shower Shalifoe.” She whispered into the girl's ear. 

“Shelby was busy acclimatizing to Minnesota winters.”

“It’s freezing as heck y’all.”

“Here I made hot chocolates,” Martha precariously balanced the tray, sending the fear of god into Fatin who was staring at the plush rug. “Everybody grab one.” 

“Can you guys decide what movie you want on?” 

“Ooh we’re in a cabin, how about The Cabin in the Woods?” 

Toni’s heart stopped. Maybe it would be an early night for her. 

“How about something a lil’ more cheerful? I’m feeling a classic chick flick.” Shelby trained her eyes on the brunette. 

“Shelby you scared of horrors?” Dot questioned, shoving some Taki’s into Rachel’s mouth for her as she trawled through Netflix.

“Yeah,” She looked at Toni. The blonde loved horrors, a fact she knew all too well. “So let’s just go with something not quite as terrifying please?”

“You sure, we can get tough ass Toni to protect your room tonight?”

“I’m sure. Toni has enough of me to deal with already.”

Her chest swelled at the girl. 

Fatin simply stared between them, knowing that face on Toni Shalifoe. A face she had only ever seen once before. _God was she fucked._

“Shalifoe go share the blanket with Shelby there are four people on this tiny ass couch.”

“You go share.”

“Jeez just get along for one minute!” Dot pushed the girl off the edge. 

“You okay if I?”

“Sure.” 

Shelby laid her legs over Toni, figuring that would have been a lot more covert than having her face on her boobs. Yet each time the blonde wriggled to get comfortable, her feet would move against- that’s right you guessed it- leaving Toni clamping onto them like a vice for dear life. 

“Stop moving.” 

“Tonii, my feet are cold.” The girl whined from beside her.

“You two shut up, jeez it’s the good part!” Martha rolled her eyes, passing the popcorn to Dot.

“Fuck, fine.” Toni moved her hands under the duvet, massaging away at the girl's feet. 

Shelby smiled through the entire first hour of the film, falling asleep somewhere after that. 

  
“Shit I’m not waking her, the girl looks like she hits people who disturb her beauty rest. Toni, you have the muscles here.” Dot crossed her arms, stepping back from the snoring blonde.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Shelby was out and she knew from experience not to dare wake the beast. Dot wasn’t far off with her assumption; she really did value her sleep.

“Carry her up?”

“Fuck. Fine.” 

Toni lifted her form into strong arms, blonde hair covering her neck. _Ugh, she smells like cinnamon popcorn_. 

“I love you babe.” 

Everyone stopped dead. 

“Oh my.”

“Fuck did she just say?”

“Fucking gold, did anyone film that?”

She was just as frozen as everyone else, feet wedged like glue to the floor below because, **fuck**. She didn’t know if it was fear of trying her best to reign this in and not out the girl or just her heart racing rapidly because Shelby had just said- _But she’s sleeping. She didn’t mean it._

“Everyone shut it. This never happened okay?” Fatin pointed the knife at them she was cutting the cheese with. Sure it was only a bread knife, but just as utterly terrifying when paired with the ‘I will cut you’ look in her eye. Martha mimed zipping her lips, followed by the other girls. 

“Pretty fucking funny though.” Nora laughed. “Shelby homophobic Goodkind saying gay shit without knowing?” She curled in with laughter. “Iconic.”

“Just leave her alone Nora.” Toni walked the girl up the stairs. 

“Jeez who pissed in her hot chocolate?” She met Fatin’s death glare. “Right, never happened.”

  
**Fatin POV**

Shelby had not outed herself that night. The next morning, however? Any cats they had in that bag were feral, running stray in the wild impossible to contain.

The girls stood downstairs nursing hot drinks and cereal. 

_“Fuck.”_

“Shit what was that is Toni okay?” The girls gazes shot to the stairs. 

_“Toni, fuck.”_

Eyes widened as Fatin’s palm met her face because of course, _they were at it._

“Is that,” Dot put her drink down hearing another word. “Wait is Toni getting laid up there?”

The girls looked around trying to sum up who the fuck was missing.

 _“Shelby,”_ The name called from the bedroom upstairs came straight through the floor. 

“Oh my fucking god.” Leah put her drink down. “Is Toni fucking Shelby?”

“No shit. No. Shelby is homophobic as hell.” Nora shook off the idea.

Another moan.

“She doesn’t sound all that homophobic right now?” Leah’s eyes met Fatins, hers busy focussing on anything but the girls. “No funny remarks babe?” Silence. “Oh my fucking God, you know? How long?”

“Wait just to confirm, so that is Toni and Shelby?”

 **“YES DOT.”** All the girls looked at her as if she was vacant for the last minute.

“Do not say anything okay? If I hear a peep out of any of you, you’re dead.” 

“Jeez Fatin chill.”  
  
“Wait is that why Shelby said what she said in her sleep last,”

“Drop it, Nora.” Fatin pushed her hair back. “Shelby is dealing with a huge internal shit-fest right now. They’ll tell us when they’re ready. We’ve all fucking been there. We’re respecting them and they will say something when they’re ready.”

Nora groaned. “Fine.”

_“Oh fuck.”_

“Oh, Jesus Christ someone turn the radio on please.” Fatin dropped her head.

  
By the third morning of intense sex noises the girls slumped over their cereal, entirely defeated and unable to concentrate on literally anything else. 

“I feel like I’m living in one of those 80’s porn filming houses, with the fur sofas and mustard accents. It’s like a fucking nature documentary up there.” Nora pushed the cereal into her mouth.

Leah laughed. “Seriously Fatin, we need to say something.”

“What are y’all talkin’ about?” Shelby bounced to the cereal with the freshly fucked smile that was plastered on her face all day, every day.

“Nothing.” Nora swallowed her food, eyes darting to the other girls who looked just as panicked. 

“Oh come on, I know y’all are talkin’ about something.”

“What's up?” Toni poured her cereal, taking in the faces of the others. The girls stood vaguely resembling interrogated prisoners. “Come on what the fuck guys? Did Fatin throw up in my bowl?”

“Fuck that happened once Shalifoe.” Fatin washed her bowl up, slightly intrigued by who would break first because at this point; even she was tired with that shit. 

Jake smacked Dot’s ass walking down the stairs.

“Damn get it girl.” Fatin winked. 

“Shut up. I’d like to clarify those noises weren’t coming from me. We’ve been playing an intense as shit game of battleship and Jake is a fucking cheater.”

“What noises?” Shelby brought the spoon to her mouth.

Nora choked on the air that surrounded them, the air hanging thick with ‘what the fuck do we say’ energy.

“Nothing.” Fatin shot them a glance.

“Guys cut the shit.” Toni rested her palms on the table.

“Jesus fuck just tell them. I can’t do another day of this shit.” Leah groaned. “Every morning, we can hear you guys having sex. Every fucking morning like clockwork. Our ears are bleeding.”

Shelby dropped her bowl. 

“Fuck I’ll get it.” Toni picked up the pieces trying to meet the blonde's eye. 

Shelby just stood, paralyzed from all that bottled-up internal fear, heat rushing to her cheeks because everyone here had heard her sex noises. With a girl.

“Shelby,” Fatin stared at her. “No one here is gonna say shit, if they do, I’ll beat them up.”

“Honestly half of us have been where you have been. Not with the getting outed by fucking in a cabin but like,” Leah passed her a fresh bowl of cereal. “My parents were shitty as fuck when I came out, Nora got lucky and her parents always knew she was bi as fuck, and Fatin, well, Fatin is a walking uber dyke. Dot is somehow straight but we all know from those cargo shorts that's a fucking paradox.” She kissed her girlfriend. 

“Shelby, my parents took it shit. They’re religious, and fucking hell it took time, but they got there.”

Combing a shaking hand through her hair, she rested her forehead on the cool of the table.

“Babe you okay there, you’ve assumed the tornado drill position.”

“Y’all don’t get it I can't be gay. Goodkind’s can’t be gay. My dad leads conversion camps and I can’t- I can’t do that.”

Toni pulled her in tight. “Shelbs I wouldn’t let him do that. You’re in college, you don’t need to tell them until you feel safe to or want to. But everyone here is on your side.” 

She watched the brunette raking fingers through the girl's hair. God Shalifoe had it bad.

“What about your mom? My mom was easier to speak to than my dad.” Fatin stirred the mush that her cereal had disintegrated into.

“She hates gay people.” 

Fatin nodded. “Well just take it one step at a time. No one here is speaking, but you can be yourself around us. Honestly watching you guys hold hands is probably less intense than hearing Toni call your name for thirty-odd minutes like you’re on her team in a ball game.”

“I do not.”

 **“You do.”** The girls agreed unanimously. 

Pulling her in, Shelby dropped her head into the girl's neck. “I just can’t be gay.”

“But you are,” Fatin smiled. “And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“My religion-”

“Shelby your religion is an extreme picking what it wishes to observe and turning against what it does not. When we get back I’ll take you to see pastor Tim at the local church I help run charity drives for, I’ve been doing my charity outreach shit with him and he’s a cool dude. People here? With many of them, their religion acknowledges the God you love made you as you are for a reason. Religion is a spectrum. Whilst I chose to leave it behind, if you need it, you always have a place. It’s just a case of finding it. Parents you can deal with later. Parents always fucking suck.”


	18. The One Where Alcohol is the Devil and Martha is Jesus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Dream Catch Me by Newton Faulkner  
> TW: Alcohol mentions, brief drug mentions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My internet is back bitches, I will eventually slow with this fic but for now, continue to enjoy the daily updates. As always I'm on tumblr gay-art-vibes . Have an awesome day folk.

**Toni POV**

“Okay just because we know about you both doesn’t mean you have to travel as one all the time.” Fatin rose a brow as the girl piggybacked the brunette to the kitchen. 

“Fuck off.”

“Let them be, it’s cute.” Leah prodded the girl, taking a slice of bread from her hand and continuing to make the sandwiches.

“I am not cute.” Toni scowled. _Was she fuck ‘cute’._

“We were actually heading out boarding tomorrow if you guys want to come? Final day and all?”

“Hell yeah!” A smile spread across her face in seconds because holy shit did Toni love snowboarding; she had grown up bouncing around foster homes but the one sense of normality was bunking off with Fatin snow season to go board with friends. It was a sense of peace and normality in a life that was otherwise far from. 

“I’ve never been.”

Face contorting she stared at her in disbelief. “You’ve never been?”

Shelby hid in Toni’s form. “No, we don’t really get snow in Texas… Sun and all.”

“I’ll show you the ropes.” She moved to place her lips on her roommates, lifting her up for a tight hug.

“Honestly you guys are gross.” 

Fatin squealed as Leah gripped her, mimicking the pair. “What the fuck babe?”

“I just think we could stand to be a little grosser.” Dropping her like dead weight she then lifted a slice of bread, smacking her girlfriend round the face with the crust. 

“You’re dead meat, Rilke!” Fatin turned on her heel, running after the girl, a stray slice of ham flapping through the air in her grasp. 

She wondered how Leah had managed to soften the hard edges of Jadmani. The girl who brought fear to everyone on and off the court, the girl who never dated a person for more than three days, most of all the girl that would have decked anyone who slapped her with a slice of fucking bread. Fatin was still that girl, bringing fear. Just not to the likes of Leah Rilke.

“Honestly we’re the gross ones?” 

Pushing the hair out of Toni’s face, she just stared silently. “I kinda wish we never had to leave here.” 

“Why?” She mumbled against her cheek.

“I just don’t want things to change. I uh, I like being able to do,” She grabbed the girl’s ass, squeezing it for good measure, her teeth nipping at the flesh of her neck. “This.”

“You can still do that.”

“I mean like around people Toni. And when we get back I just,”

“There’s no pressure babe.”

“But, I want to,” She dropped her head. “I want all of you Toni, all of the damn time. I don’t think I can go back to not having you like this.”

“Then don’t. Either way Texas, we’ll make it work. Whatever you need I’m here.” And she was, Toni for once in her life was entirely, totally calm, her soft edges floating in the sea that was the heaven-sent Texan. Safe. In the arms of Shelby, she felt ready for whatever life threw at her, and from her experience she knew that would be one hell of a lot. Life was never a straight path, it was ever-winding and eternally full of absolute shit.

“Everything will change, Toni. My parents,” 

“You don’t have to tell them. Shelby, you’re ages away from home. Is there a chance they’ll find out? Yes. But you just have to weight that chance up and figure out if it's worth hiding from your own happiness and comfort for.”

“You’re an absolute pain in my ass but worth it.” Fingers played with the flesh of the girl's abdomen. “I just, I need a little more time, before all that. Just a bit.” Shelby tapped aimlessly on the countertop, dropping her head to the cool of the marble surface.

“There’s no rush. I mean I get it, I really do, there’s nothing more I want than to hold your hand, or play with your hair… I don’t know all that relationship shit, I’d love that with you. But right now I understand what you’re going through and I’m not going to pressure you. That would be a major dick move.”

“Okay.” She pushed a glass aimlessly around the table sliding it from hand to hand, her smile falling for just a fracture of a second. That fraction was more than enough; it was fairly easy for Toni to spot the signs of the moments when the girls normally cheery, perfect façade cracked away to anxiety. This? This was one of them. 

“Okay bitches! We are drinking our asses off tonight, those remaining sober please parent those of us who will be wrecked as shit. I do not want Rilke throwing up in my bedsheets again, they’re a high thread count and momma doesn’t want to buy more!”

Leah took the vodka from her girlfriend's grasp, bringing it to her lips and gasping. “Please never refer to yourself as ‘Momma’ ever again. Also, one damn time babe.” She passed it to Nora, who took a longer swig than expected. “Fuck Nor, get it.”

“Twice.” Fatin placed down the stack of board games. “Now things may get freaky, things will get wild, but please for the love of God do not play catch with the antiques. I have disappointed my parents enough in my lifetime already without breaking one of the many inanimate objects they love more than myself.”

“Fuck babe do you need a therapist?”

Fatin chuckled. “No that’s why I have you. And alcohol.” 

“Such a bitch.”

“A bitch you love.”

“Do I though?”

She pushed Leah over, taking the bottle back from Martha who seemed to take the smallest swig known to man. Martha had very much been instilled as the group dad fairly early on; she had a strong sense of smarts and acted five times her actual age. A combination that was seriously needed when handling a bunch of drunk ass college students.

“Shut it Rilke.” 

Toni glared at the gaze that hung in the air between the two; she knew her friends fuck me eyes a mile off. She shuddered at the thoughts of what joys the thin walls would bring tonight. _Gross_.

“Now, as we are such classy people we have Twister because you can’t spell class without ass, and that is what you shall have in your face for ninety percent of this iconic game. We have mixed shots for never have I ever,” 

Long fingers gestured to the array of alcoholic beverages Fatin’s parents had stockpiled. Toni shuddered at the thought that each bottle was likely worth more expensive than everything she owned totaled. _Who even lets whisky age that long without the temptation to drink it? Animals._

“And monopoly for when we wish to strike revenge on the colonizers among us.” She eyed her girlfriend who simply rolled her eyes. Fatin was quite the experience, both emotionally and physically.

  
About thirty minutes into twister Toni’s wrist started to cramp. 

“Toni if you fall, it’s your shot bitch.” Martha smiled as she watched the struggle unfold.

“Fuck.” The cramp was intense, pain shooting up her wrist until her entire arm ceased. But hell would Toni Shalifoe ever give up; she was a soul attached to an ever-present need to win.

“Toni your girl's hand is on my tit.” Fatin grinned. 

Nope. Toni was done, pushing her friend straight over with her. Shelby looked at the dark of her eyes and realized that her roommate was perhaps more jealous than she expected. 

Toni didn’t know why but the knowing smile the blonde gave her lit a fire in the pit of her stomach. 

“Fuck I was enjoying that. She has such soft palms. Like a koala.”

“Fuck off Fatin.” She shot her a look, daring the girl to just try, just push her because when she ran hot anyone who dared to stand in her way was a casualty to her rage.

“Jeez fine.” Fatin grabbed a bottle of god knows what. “Time to reveal your darkest secrets whores.” Fatin shone the torch under her chin, aiming for a slightly haunted mansion, horror vibe. A vibe that was completely fucked when the battery cut out; quickly kicking it to the floor and arranging them in a circle.

“Right I want none of those pussy questions bitches. Give me anguish, give me dirt, give me fire.”

Shelby recoiled at the intensity; Toni turning to cover a slightly shaking palm with her own. “She does this every time. Don’t worry no one listens.”

The girl eased beside her, her body sinking as she relaxed slightly knowing maybe she wouldn’t have much to confess. Yet something in the brunette kind of wanted her to do so; Toni knew very little of Shelby’s life other than where she was ticklish and some odd facts about pets. She literally had no idea where the girl came from or what she had been through. 

Fatin raised a glass behind them. “Never have I had sex in a public bathroom.” 

Brows creased as she eyed her friend, knowing the bitch brought this up for a reason. Toni brought the shot to her lips, her steeled gaze never leaving Fatin’s.

“Oh fuck Shalifoe, why am I not surprised.” Dot shook her head, laughing with the others. 

As she turned, she met the unsure gaze of the blonde, her face pale and painted with an emotion Toni couldn’t quite work out; a realization that shook her deep within. She could read her every emotion now, but this? _This was new._

“Never have I ever hit on a policeman to get out of a speeding fine.” Nora smiled, happy with herself.

“Oh fuck right off.” Fatin took a sip.

“Seriously babe? You’re rich?”

Fatin scoffed. “My parents are rich, plus I don’t want too many building up.”

“How many do you have?” Leah raised a brow.

“That wasn’t the _question._ Who’s next?” 

“Never have I ever taken drugs. Weed does not count.” Rachel looked to Nora who took her shot, alongside Leah. 

Toni’s fingers traced the rim of her glass, Fatin’s eyes meeting her own in a gaze that told her not all secrets needed to be told, and just perhaps this was one of them.

The brunette raised the shot to her mouth and drunk. Dishonesty was not a path she liked in life, she had spent too many days around liars and cheats. Too many days around Trent. Her fingers numb and her ears closed to her surroundings she let her mind go blank. Some memories were best forgotten.

“Do I even know you?” Shelby narrowed her eyes, her body tense with confusion. 

Fuck.

“Never have I ever written fanfic.” Fatin changed the subject quickly. 

Half the group drunk. “I wrote some dope Lightning Mcqueen Cars fanfics.” Dot slammed the shot back.

“Who the fuck writes Cars fanfics?”

“What can I say? I live for the comedic edge.” She beamed at the girls, shoving her hands into the pockets of her cargo shorts as if bored and waiting on the next question.

“Never have I ever slept with more than ten people,” Shelby spoke, her eyes remaining on the one girl she was trying to figure out. 

Feeling the gaze like fire on her pupils, she raised a shot to her mouth. Three shots down her head was beginning to buzz, and Shelby was looking painfully sober and had that damn look painted on her face again that Toni couldn’t figure the fuck out. _Stupid fucking game._

Shelby shook her head slightly, her jaw tensing as Dot took the bottle to pour them all another. “Never have I ever faked an orgasm.” 

Fatin laughed as she grabbed the bottle, taking a swig directly from it.

Toni followed suit, remembering one too many awkward high school days where she just wanted the girl off her after she’d done her part, she refused to ever be on the receiving end. The alcohol was beginning to warm her entire being, the slight hint of nausea playing its part somewhere on the horizon. 

“Never have I ever given a guy oral sex.” 

Shelby and all the girls apart from Toni took a shot. 

“Need to catch up Shalifoe you’re missing out.”

Toni shook the dizziness from her head. “Nah, I think I’m good thanks.” She pushed the shot out of her way. 

“Never have I ever been arrested.” Martha grinned as she looked around the circle at all her friends trying to sit upright because boy were they well and truly fucked by their alcohol levels right now.

The whole circle left their glasses, everyone but Toni who felt the slightest bit of rage well in her stomach because of fucking course the girls had to choose entirely shitty questions. She drank and ignored the stares. 

“Toni, what the heck?”

She made the mistake of looking up into the glassy eyes of the girl who made her feel so whole, eyes that now made her feel so entirely broken. A gaze that said one thing and one thing only _‘who the fuck are you?’_

Toni stood, narrowly missing falling right back over as her legs felt lighter than they should. “Leave me the fuck alone.” 

“Toni,” Fatins voice followed her as her feet pounded up the stairs, the door slamming behind her as she dropped to the floor, rocking to counteract the force of her all-encompassing, memory ridden mind. 

Shelby didn’t want Toni for all she is and was. Shelby liked the illusion of who Toni was now, a version of herself she wasn’t sure would stand for much longer.


	19. With All Illusions Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> You Found Me by The Fray
> 
> TW: brief mentions of drugs and abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whilst this chapter does start off kind of heavy I did my best to pick it up at the end. If you want to find me I'm probably sharing Bernie memes on tumblr @ gay-art-vibes or twitter.

**Toni POV**

Fists pounded on the door.

“Toni, just let me in.” Shelby’s voice broke and the subtle thud of her forehead hitting the door echoed around the room.

She clenched her hands, shaking as she tried to drown out everything. The sights, the smells, the taste of alcohol on her tongue was all too much. Senses trapped Toni in a web of fear, something she could not escape no matter what. It was something she fucking hated; feeling so trapped; so confined to the ever-present pounding of thoughts, memories, surroundings. Rage bubbled in her as the panic took hold, fists trembling now as her heart raced within her chest.

“Shelby here, use the key.” Fatin’s voice was faint in the distance, almost as if it lingered in another realm she was no longer part of.

“Toni I’m coming in.”

A door shut somewhere, another sound that pounded in her mind, reverberating in the hollow of her skull. 

“Toni,” 

Vaguely, she registered the presence of the girl who sat by her. Her perfume overly sweet making her want to throw everything she’d drunk right back up, the vanilla just another sense piling onto the masses. _Fuck I feel sick._

“I’m gonna put my hands on yours okay.”

The warmth of something covered her hand, something circling the skin of her wrist. Shelby.

“Leave me alone,” Toni wiped the tears on her jeans, head pulled tight against her knees. “Please.” Her voice betrayed her, breaking around the word, making her feel so, entirely defeated. Toni Shalifoe does not break.

**Shelby POV**

The girl's hand shook under her own. When her voice broke as she spoke Shelby died a little at that moment, the pain of it tethered to her heart. 

“Toni I’m not leaving you,” Continuing the circles she tried to calm herself just as much as the wreck that was Toni Shalifoe. “Just please, talk to me.” _Dear God, please._

“The girl you like isn’t me.” Her voice wobbled and a tear ran down the blonde's cheek, knowing she’d caused this. _This is your fault, Shelby._

“Toni I know you. The girl I like is you.”

Shaking her head frantically the girl tightened her fists. “You don’t know me, Shelby.”

Holding her breath she stilled; because until now, she felt like she did. Toni was a grumpy as heck human, she was a picky eater who rarely touched veg and side-eyed the presence of most salads, she was strong minded as heck, protective and jealous because Shelby knew she cared. Not jealous like Andrew was, but jealous in a way that made her warm because it only ever arose when she was trying to protect her. Yes, Toni had anger, but that anger was normally well placed, and Shelby knew Toni would never direct a second of that true anger at her. Toni still liked the kids bubblegum toothpaste, she hated horrors and refused to admit to anything she was truly scared of; sometimes the blonde wondered just how much fear she held without speaking a word of it into existence.

“Then tell me.”

“Fuck. Please Shelby just go.”

When the brunette looked up her eyes were bloodshot, her lip trembling as she stared on, entirely empty and completely broken. 

“Move forward.” 

“What?”

“Toni heck, please just move your cute butt forward.” 

The girl shook her head but obliged, Shelby moving to sit behind her, wrapping her legs and arms around her. “Just say if you want me to move.”

But she never spoke, and she took that as confirmation this was okay. _For now_. “Toni, we’re not gettin’ anywhere if we don’t talk okay. So please, just try and convey anything; you won’t hurt me.”

“You think I’m such a dick, Shelby.”

“I do not think anything of the sort.” Shelby aimlessly combed the girl's hair as she spoke, placing a single soft kiss on her neck as the girl hiccuped under her lips. 

“Shelby I heard you during the game. You said it yourself; you don’t know me. Your voice? I could hear the disappointment rolling off you in waves. Believe me; I know the sound of fucking disappointment”

 _Fuck._ “Look, okay maybe I was a little taken aback. I just didn’t peg you for the wild partying drugs kinda gal Toni, with all those women and,.”

“I did drugs for the first and only time when I was ten years old. Only once Shelby. I was hospitalized, and put into a therapy and rehabilitation for kids programme. My brother brought them home one day and he and his friends thought it would be funny to give cocaine to a kid. They found them on my foster dad at the time and Trent just kind of threw him under the bus as he does with everyone. So yes Shelby I have done drugs. And I have been arrested, a few damn years after because Trent asked me to bring his fucking lunch to school which consisted of enough hits for him and all his junkie friends. Fuck. You just, you don’t know me, Shelby.” Toni’s head was hidden in her arms, body shuddering hard with each fresh wave of tears. 

Shelby’s own tears flowed down Toni’s shoulder, melding with the other girls and pooling at her chest. 

“I’m not whoever the fuck you think I am and I will never be, and I know I slept around but some girls just do, it doesn’t make them fucked up to do so I, it was never like that with them-”

“Toni I do not think you’re fucked up for God’s sake. I think you were placed in a shitty situation and you made the God darn best of it. Does it break my heart you had to face that? Yes, no one, especially a fricken child should have to be put through that shit Toni. Does it make me hate you? Hell no. Toni, it makes me appreciate who you are now that much more because regardless of that heaping shitfire you were dealt you’ve achieved so much more than so many people our age. You took what you were dealt and continued to achieve in everything you do. And that is why I God damn love you Toni Shalifoe. And don’t think about the girls for a second. It’s not because I see you as some kind of, I don’t know, floozy, it’s because you have experience and I have nothing Toni. I have how many girls I need to live up to? And I don’t know that I can do that Toni, it was never you that I was upset with, I was worried you’ll move on from me because I’m some prudish bible basher.”

Toni turned in her arms, wrapping their legs around one another so their faces met flush. 

“Did you just say you love me?” Her voice was scratchier than she’s ever heard, broken and sharp around every syllable. 

_Did I say what? Shit._

Shelby felt her world closing in on itself because she had just admitted to lady fricken killer Toni Shalifoe, that she loved her. Her mouth hung ajar and she nodded. She did love her, more than she ever thought possible; it was something she wouldn’t bother even trying to deny, but it wasn’t something she had intending on admitting, not yet, not now.

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

Trembling, salty lips joined her own, the kiss softer than any of the passionate or hate ridden kisses they’d shared before. This one was different. It was-

“I love you too, bible bashing Shelby Goodkind.” She wiped the tears that streamed down the girl's face. “Did you just use the word floozy?” 

Shelby felt the laughter bubble through her as she playfully bashed the girl. 

“God we’re fucked up.” Pushing the hair from the blonde's eyes, she played with the fabric on her sweatpants, distanced. “While we’re at it would you just be my girlfriend already, I’ve cried too much and need to maintain my street credit.” What Toni didn't tell her is never had she had a proper girlfriend before. People, she dated? Yes. But a girlfriend... one who she loved? That was something new too, even to the likes of Toni Shalifoe.

Her heart pounded at her ears. Girlfriend. It was such a strange word she had never once considered would belong to her, not with another girl at least. And yet? It fit so entirely well, falling off the brunette's lip in a way that made her heart thud. 

“Girlfriend.” She repeated, watching Toni’s eyes that focussed intently on the floor, awaiting her answer. It rolled off her tongue like it had been sat there, waiting to be spoken for years. “I think I’d like that very much.” 

  
Toni rinsed her face in the bathroom, the whites of her eyes slowly returning to their normal shade. She felt drawn to the girl from day one; the moment Toni bit back at her for trying to help her with bags. The weird never-ending pull she felt even as she met her parents with that darn stupid, fake ass southern accent. Shelby finally felt her place in this world with Toni Shalifoe, as if her whole life that one part had just been missing; that one, oddly Toni shaped part. 

Her heart felt for her, not out of pity but out of anger; wishing she could somehow change what she went through because had Shelby had faced that she would have been broken beyond repair. Maybe Toni was a bit broken, slightly torn at those edges; but Shelby loved those frayed edges all too much because they are what made the girl the complete and utter enigma she was. She was strong, she was protective and caring so much so that Shelby just wanted to for once care for her, because Toni had given it back tenfold.

“Hey.” Toni’s voice was raspy from the hours of tears they shared, similar to the morning voice Shelby loved to hear. 

“Hey, coming to bed?” Perfectly manicured nails pat the pillow beside her.

Toni nodded, pulling on her boxers, climbing under the covers beside the girl. Her hands still lightly shook a reminder that made Shelby know she still wasn’t entirely okay. 

She wrapped an arm around her, fitting her form to the back of her girlfriend, Toni’s warm furnace of a back meeting the ice-cool of her chest. 

“Shelby you’re not spooning me.” She groaned, fidgeting against her back.

“Shut up Toni. Let me be the big spoon for one dang second.”

“Ugh.” 

“You’re so dramatic.” 

“I’m dramatic?” She turned to Shelby, eyes playful. “I literally just threw the 200th spider out the window because you won’t sleep with them in the room with us.”

“I don’t like them watching me!” 

“No spider is watching you, babe. They’re too busy watching flies and shit.”

“They have eight fricken eyes! Of course they’re watching us with one of them.”

Warm lips were on hers, Toni rolling to lay on top. 

“What’s that for?”

“You’re cute. Dramatic, but cute.”

“I am not dra-”

Fingers tickled her sides and she let out a scream because frick did she hate being tickled. 

“Shh, the others will think we’re having sex.”

“Toni!”

“Maybe we should? Break into Fatin’s dad's library and do it on the desk?”

Shelby didn’t know if the girl was joking but the offer was oddly enticing. There was just something about leather and old books. 

“Shelby? Where are you going?” 

“The library come on.”

“Fuck, I was joking-” 

  
Toni grabbed Shelby and pressed her up gently against the library door. “Fuck you’re beautiful.” 

“Shush, you’re pretty cute yourself Shalifoe.” 

She turned the door handle and they stumbled in, their eyes falling upon the greatly unholy sight of Fatin between Leah’s legs. 

“Oh, sweet Lord, Jesus, Joseph, and Mary.” Shelby turned to hide in her girlfriend's chest. _That is a whole darn lot of naked._

“What the fuck guys?”

Fatin covered Leah with a blanket, not bothering with herself. 

“Fatin come on I don’t need to see your boobs.” 

“You used to like these Shalifoe!” 

“Fuck, don’t remind me.” Leah rolled her eyes. 

“Wait y’all used to date?” 

“Unfortunately.” Toni had moved her gaze now too, kissing Shelby’s nose. “We all make mistakes.”

“Fuck off Shalifoe I’m great in bed.”

“What are you doing in here Fatin, it’s your dad's library. That's fifty shades of fucked up.”

She sat on the desk. “There’s just something about leather and old books.” 

Shelby laughed because hell, there really was. _It somehow gave off that 1800’s sexy library feel._

“What are you guys doing here its 2 am?”

Toni winked at her pulling her girlfriend to leave. “Books and leather Fatin.” She called over her shoulder.

"This room is off bounds Shalifoe!"

The blonde shook her head. That image was one that would be permanently and painfully seared into her mind any time she saw the pair for months to come. 


	20. All's Well in Snow and Falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Wherever You Will Go by The Calling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started writing the Leah/Fatin spin-off for this series that will focus on their timeline in this story. I am still working on this story alongside but will begin posting a chapter a day either for that or this eventually, making a balance between the two fics. Have a great day guys! As always gay-art-vibes on tumblr.

**Toni POV**

The two girls stood in their many layers and baggy snow pants trying to wade through the thick snow covering the field. Toni kicked the snow that clung to her leg, moving her eyes to concentrate on her very- freaked the fuck out- girlfriend. Toni however? Her grin was plastered from cheek to cheek. Snowboarding was her happy place, one of the only places filled with good memories of the past deacde.

“Do I look weird right now?” The groan that sounded warmed her slightly. Of course, Texans couldn’t deal with snow. 

“Yes, you definitely look like a human marshmallow.” _A cute ass Staypuff Marshmallow Man._

“Toni!” Shelby reached out to hit her, failing to properly move her large boots; falling slightly.

“I think we’ll start with the basics Texas.” _The basic, basics._

“I think I’m changing my mind. This just seems so not my vibe, there’s just so much cold stuff.” Shelby stared down at the board beneath her feet. 

“The cold stuff is called snow babe,” Shelby grumbled in response. “Just, let me teach you to stand up. That’s basic and we can go from there.”

“That does not sound basic!”

  
As it turned out, that part was fairly basic and stopping wasn’t entirely too painful either. Eventually, Toni was guiding her along watching her smile light up the white of the snow beneath them. Yes, it was a flat part of the field but Shelby beamed as if she was taking on a pipe or ramp, proud of the fact she was no longer on her ass constantly.

“Lookin’ good Shelby!” Fatin waved as she took on the ramp they’d made out of stacks of compacted snow.

“Oh, can I do that?”

“No.” 

“Toni come on, please?” To anyone watching it would be obvious the blonde came from wealth, by the way, she retorted to a childish moan when she didn’t quite get her way. Though she would deny it should anyone ever ask; Toni loved that side of the girl.

“Let's just get moving in a straight line down first. Ramps we can tackle another time, much, much later on in the distant future. When you’re like forty-five perhaps?”

A glove pounded into her shoulder. 

“Fine. You’re such a fun kill.”

“You were the one who didn’t want to stand up hours ago!”

“Fine.” Shelby waddled on her board. 

“I take it back you don’t look like a marshmallow you look like the bird from the march of the penguins.”

“The bird was a fricken penguin Toni.”

“Oh.”

Hands met her shoulders and she fell back into the snow, the chill of it biting through her snow pants.

“What was that for?” 

Shrugging, the blonde reached out her hand. “Gettin’ ya back for all the times you’ve put my dang butt in the snow today.”

“If you weren’t oddly endearing in that coat I’d have pushed you back, Texas. I need to grab a board for myself then we can tackle the barely sloped path north of here. I’ll be two minutes babe.” 

When Toni heard the scream she had no idea who it belonged to. Feet sinking through the thick white ground below she ran to the ramp. As the screaming turned to cries of ‘dang it’ and ‘dear Lord’ her gut fell knowing exactly who had been hurt because only one girl here had a complete inability to curse.

Shelby sat just up from the ramp, the other girls flailing around her as Fatin spoke oddly fast at her. 

“Hey, what happened?” 

Tears streamed down Shelby’s cheeks, the path of red streaks lining her otherwise pale cheeks. “I’m fine I’m just,” Shelby moved an inch. “Oh dear God, I am not fine, shit.”

“You took the ramp?” Toni looked at her trying to sum up what exactly to do. 

“No,”

“I didn’t realize she was walking up the path so I took the ramp and just kind of,” Fatin looked into the ever scary eyes on her friend. “Hit her?”

“You hit her?” **_You fucking hit her?_** Fists curled in at her sides. ** _Fuck._**

“Toni chill out it’s fine it was my fault.” 

“What hurts?” 

“My foot. I don’t think I can move it.” 

“The ambulances can’t get out here with the snow. Fatin do you have anything long and flat?”

“No?”

“Fuck.” 

“The helicopters can still-”

“No, my parents would kill me, Toni.” Tears flowed freely. “You don't understand. I can't,"

“Okay fuck.” Toni paced. “Fatin can you move your car uphill? We can carry her that far.” Everything in Toni’s mind screamed don’t move her and call for help. The medic in her echoed that thought but that choice wasn’t fucking available here.

“Toni you can't carry her all that way through thick ass snow.”

“I can just pull the car around, fuck.”

“Okay, I’ll go grab the car.”

Shelby laid curled up on the floor, her foot at an incredibly strange angle. She swallowed. Toni didn’t panic, not like this. Yet her mind was blank as she tried to think and _fuck._

“Okay, Dot can you support the foot? I’m just going to immobilize it with the board Fatin broke, then we can move her. Shelby, you’re gonna be fine okay? ” Cries filled the air as she slid the board under, moving to tie it above and below the break. “Babe are you sure you don’t want us to call for help?” Toni was crying now because _fuck this was a mess_.

Shelby just shook her head this time, crying out in pain at the slightest of movements.

“Okay,” Toni ran a hand through her hair. “Dot if I lift can you give even support to her leg, we just need to get up this damn hill.” Her eyes landed on the camping chairs. _It will have to fucking do_. “Actually, grab me one of those chairs,” Toni prepared herself with the fact she could go into shock, that the four-person lift wasn’t an option and they were working against the time here.

“Okay.” Dot returned with a cheap camping chair. 

“If we flatten it we can use it as a support but we need more hands to lift and carry.”

“Help is here.” The rest of the girls piled down the hill.

“Okay we need to tilt her to the side, you guys slide the chair under flat, and we’ll move her back.”

On the count of three, they moved her.

The cries that left her lips made Toni think this was in fact hell. She never believed in that shit, but now? Toni wanted to curl up in a ball and cry with the girl, throw up or scream, her heart thudding in her ears with the powers of a bass drum.

“Hey, you’re okay.” Her lips met her girlfriend's nose as they counted again and lifted her on the brace. 

Her cries filled the air, but the sound was good in a way; silence would be a bad indicator. It was entirely odd seeing Shelby, the girl who never had a hair out of place, broken. That was Toni’s place; not the blonde’s. Yet there she lay in agony and it felt so fucking wrong because Toni couldn’t lose her stability. Toni couldn’t fucking lose Shelby.

“When I was six I had this one foster dad,” She spoke the words into her ear as she held the cot up. “He was amazing Dylan. He had one son Angus and he was just such a boys boy ya know?” Toni tried not to think about how her arms and legs were already burning at the decent. “He would always take us out fishing, but I couldn’t fish for shit.” She laughed lightly at the memory. “Anyhow one day I caught this big ass fish, almost the size of my damn body, and I just remember being so fucking happy. I was such a grumpy kid and he knew it was the one thing that had made me smile like mad since I was there.” 

They all slowed as the incline got a little steeper, Shelby’s jaw tightening with every move.

“And weirdly, every single day after that I caught a big damn fish.” Shelby’s eyes remained still upon her own. “So one morning, me and Angus sneak out because we decide we’re gonna catch some big fucking fish, convinced we could heave out the Loch Ness Monster or some wild shit.” As they came over the peak of the hill the ground became easier to manage. “So we sneak out and catch Dylan attaching these big ass fish to each of our rods, an hour before we were due to fish.” Her smile was all-encompassing and Shelby’s mouth turned slightly at the corner even in between cries. “He had gotten up early every damn morning to catch these fish, then attached the already dead ones to our rods and let us believe we had some insane skill. I couldn’t even be angry because we both knew he was doing it to make us smile. That entire damn summer I had to look surprised every time I reeled in a magic catch.” She smiled down at the girl, placing a kiss on her sweaty hairline as they stopped.

“Right if we slide her in the car, she’ll take up the entire back seats so Toni and Fatin you’ll have to ride up front. Can you guys wrap the seatbelts? Just mind the foot.”

Shelby’s tears ran hot against her neck, the look of panic-stricken in her face. “It’s a short ride and I’ll be right there okay?”

  
It was a short ride. The waiting room, however? Toni felt she had been sat here for forty years waiting on news. Her hand tapped furiously against her leg and her mind just replayed the cries of the girl over and over and-

“Toni?” Fatin placed a hand on her own, stopping the movements. “You need to calm down okay? She will be out soon but you need food, you need to eat or you will feel so fucking shit.”

Fatin placed the fries on her lap, sitting back down beside her. “Leah is snooping around and seeing if she can bribe anyone, whilst I told her it’s useless, she doesn’t seem to grasp doctor-patient confidentiality thing and is adamant she and the girls can extract some kind of information from some poor, unfortunate soul.” 

Raising a chip to Toni’s mouth she prodded it against her lips. “Eat Shalifoe.”

Toni opened her mouth, mainly because she didn’t have the fight left within her to deal with any more shit today. Her body felt weak, her chest contorted in a way that brought her so much pain she sat hunched over, and she wondered when the hell they would hear anything.

Her phone rang and Toni braced herself. “This is Shelby’s momma, Toni, young lady, what in the hell happened?”

**Fuck.**

“Hi, Mrs. Goodkind. She’s okay, she just, was in a… minor collision I guess?” A hand shook as it passed through her ponytail still damp from the morning snow. “Her ankle didn’t look too great but I’m still waiting on anything from the doctors, I know that can’t give me details but I should be able to tell you when she’s heading out.” 

“Where is your accent?”

“Sorry what Mam?” 

“When I met you, you were southern Toni. You are definitely not southern.”

“That’s, that’s what you’re taking away from this?” Her voice broke because God was she tired.

“You’re right. I'll be up to the college in a month or so anyhow so I shall ask you that then. This better not affect her cheer that’s the one dang thing my baby loves. Toni? Is it?”

“Yes, Mam my name is Toni.”

“Well, at least that’s one thing that’s true.”

The sound of the call ending silenced in her ear. 

“That sounded like that went great.” Fatin’s eyebrows were almost at her hairline. 

“Just give me the damn chips.”

The reception desk’s phone rang ahead of them, the receptionist answering only to pull it straight away from their ear. “Yes, please calm down,” Then silence. “Mrs. Goodkind, I am looking please give me one moment.” 

The receptionist put the phone down, pressing a button. Mute. He grabbed another nurse and pulled her in. “Save me please.”

“A wild one Alan?”

“Absolutely terrifying.”

Toni stared at Fatin and swallowing the heavy weight that sat in her throat. _Fuck, what if they're ever my in-laws? And what if Shelby can’t cheer?_

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


	21. That's So Regan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Joline by Dolly Parton
> 
> TW: for the next two chapters brief mentions of an eating disorder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally dropped the first chapter of the Leah/Fatin story from this universe today 'We're All a Little F*cked up', in a separate fic that's now listed in this series. After that I'll be posting one chapter a day either for this fic or that, continuing to work on them both. As always tumblr gay-art-vibes, come send me some Betty White memes.

**Shelby POV**

“Two months of you looking sexy in a huge ass boot Texas.” 

“Don’t remind me!” Shelby dropped onto the bed, her crutches falling beside her. Stupid fricken boot. “I’m just lucky coach confirmed they’re holding my place; It’ll just mean some real sucky physio down the line. So fricken pissed I can't dance for now, she’ll mat me for ages, and I still have to go so I know the choreo.” _Nothing was worse than being stuck on that damn mat, it was its own kind of personal torture; being stuck on the mat watching girls fly through the air all whilst knowing you can't even walk._

“You look oddly attractive when you’re in a grump.”

“That’s what you got from this?” _She is additively infuriating._

Toni straddled the girl on the bed, pushing her arms down against the mattress above her head. “Yes, as your girlfriend that’s exactly what I’m taking from this.” She leaned down and placed her lips on hers, feeling hands relinquish from her grasp and push into her hair.

“My Mom is still so pissed.” Heck, she was like the Lord on a mission, lighting the fire under her ass for getting injured and lying about her whereabouts. There was no force of scorn quite like that of an entirely pissed off Goodkind; even the devil would fear Miss Goodkind on a bad day, shuddering in her wake.

“She would be far more pissed to know I was wooing her daughter.” The brunette wiggled her eyebrows. 

“Oh wooing? Really?” Biting her lip she looked into deep brown eyes, with flecks of green she loved all too much. She ran her thumb along the girls cheek wishing that just for once this feeling would be here; lasting forever. 

“Yes, wooing in many, many ways.” A finger poked her boob.

Shelby broke out into a fit of laughter. “You realize you’re an entirely massive dork right?”

Her girlfriend got up, pulling her shoes off. “I’m nothing of the sort Texas.”

  
Shelby prodded her boot. _Dang thing_. The size of it made her look lopsided, weighing her down on her right, pain occasionally reminding her of the day she tried so hard to forget. Not the good parts; her girlfriend in the snow, with red-tipped ears and a Rudolph nose. Those memories she would hold onto. 

“Alice hey!”

“Cool if I sit with you guys for lunch?”

Alice sat next to Leah, a salad in one hand, diet coke in the other. “What are you doing for the weekend? Hunting down any cute guys?” 

Face entirely frozen by panic, the atmosphere was soon popped by Toni choking on her drink. 

“I’m too busy with study for boys right now.” Too busy carefully studying every inch of anatomy on her extremely cute roommate. 

Fingers tightening around her water bottle she hesitated, taking a long swig as the rest of the girls at the table gave her a look of ‘ **yeah right bitch** ’. All except Alice, who seemed completely sold on the blonde's heterosexuality; a judgment that was greatly off-kilter.

“Come on Shelby you just need to get laid.” 

She choked on the water, feeling the air lodged in her throat. “I’m a traditional Christian girl Alice.”

“Then you’re a virgin?”

Her hands held the bottle hard now; plastic crackling as her anxiety bubbled through. “Uh, no. No, I’m not.”

“Ugh fine, but can we at least find you, someone, to make out with. It’s college.” 

“Yeah Shelby, it’s college.” Fatin winked at her from down the table. 

_That girl is getting on my last dang nerve._

“Maybe.”

“I’ll take it!”

Toni tensed across from her and she shot her a look, trying to convey that never would she be with anyone but her in any way. Shelby wanted one girl only, the truly annoying, cocky as shit roommate of hers. 

**09:25 stop worrying I only want you dummy :)**

A slight grin spread across the brunette's face. 

“Oh, are you sexting someone Shalifoe?” Fatin grinned. 

“Fuck off.”

They sat, playing a board game Dot had brought to the table, a game no one actually knew any rules to which left them in a complete and utter state of chaos. 

“You can't move your character there Shelby you need the raft!” 

“What the frick is a raft?”

"Just go back and speak to the goblin."

"Oh my there's a goblin?"

Toni’s phone rang, her eyes widening at the caller ID. Answering it she moved slightly out the way of the group grinning as she spoke. 

_“Hey, you okay?”_

She watched as the girl paced. The girl speaking on the phone was strange as she usually texted, fielding all her calls to voicemail. What was weirder is everyone she talked to was currently sat at this table.

_“Seriously? Yes I’m excited!”_

She bounced around and even Fatin was watching her with curiosity. 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll ask Fatin if she can pick you up.” 

She jumped back to the group, hands on Fatin’s shoulders. “Regan’s here!” The girl squealed under her grasp.

“Fuck yes! Where the fuck is she?” Fatin’s smile appeared instantly, her dice dropping to the table.

“She dropped me the terminal, are you okay to drive?”

“Hell yes!”

Playing with her fries she did her best to look unphased, but Shelby knew that anxiety bubbling up within her had a reason. Never had she seen Toni so alive, so happy and carefree. Not because of her; but because of someone she knew nothing about, the name never once coming from the girl's lips; not until now. Regan. _Regan?_

“Shelby, you coming?” Toni smiled.

“Coming where?”

“Our friend Regan’s in town. You’d probably get on great, she’s a wild one.”

“That’s an understatement.” Fatin grabbed her keys. 

“Oh no that’s fine I’d just be third-wheeling y’all. You go ahead, have fun.” She didn’t know as she nodded enthusiastically if she was trying to reassure herself or her girlfriend.

Toni smiled and was out of the dining hall like her ass was a hay bale on fire. _Who the frick is Regan?_

  
Shelby tried to find a comfortable position, shifting this way and that until she nestled her boot into the comforter. Her cheer shorts rode up her leg and she tugged on the hem mindlessly, the biology textbook on her knees, pointlessly open to a page she ignored, still consumed with thoughts about her roommate. 

“This is my room.” The door swung open and Shelby immediately sat up, staring at the insanely cute girl with hazel hair that hung from Toni's arm. _God, she is pretty._

“Shit this isn’t bad.” The girl flopped on the bed, her stomach visible behind the jacket. 

_Toni’s jacket._  
  
Rolling, she eyed the blonde up and down, staring at every inch of Shelby longer than the blonde found necessary. “You must be the roommate.” A hand prodded its way onto her side of the room. “Regan, nice to meet you.” 

She stared at the hand, the cute manicured nails, and her dark lipstick. Regan was stunning, and Shelby couldn’t help but shrink in the presence of her. 

_Frick where are my manners._

“Nice to meet you, I’m Shelby.” She plastered on her pageant smile and took her hand, her roommate assessed the smile, her face contorting slightly as if trying to work her out. 

“Toni’s told me a lot about you bible girl.” 

She tensed at the nickname, _what the heck had Toni told her?_ “Is that so? And what has Toni said?”

Regan chuckled and Toni’s busied herself, suddenly finding great interest in her basketball. “Many things, when she first got here, she thought you were this God awful stuck up prude, she seriously did not like you AT ALL, like damn she was furious. I told her to change roommates but you know how stubborn she is. However, she said you offered her an olive branch; nice to see you’re friends now. Toni doesn’t let many people in. Pain in the ass she is.”

“Oh shut up. I never said 'prude.'” Toni moved to change her shirt. 

"Nah you definitely did Shalifoe."

“How do y’all know each other?” 

Regan pulled Toni’s jacket off and got comfy in her bed. As she stretched out Shelby tried to pull her grimace into that fake ass smile, knowing there was no way in heck she wanted to be _that_ jealous girlfriend. 

“Way back we used to date.” 

There it was; she felt her smile drop, pulling her book up to hide it. 

“Is that so?”

“Yeah didn’t work out though. Toni’s a right pain in the ass. Runs hot all the time no one can cool her down.” She winked at Toni.

“Some people can cool me down.” She briefly looked to the blonde, eyes warm but worried. Shelby could. It was something small that briefly soothed the fears that wriggled their way to the front of her temple. 

“I’ll believe it when I see it Shalifoe. Anyhow, didn’t work. Sex was great though.” 

Shelby stood, grabbing her crutch because hell she could not do this. She couldn’t be here around them seeing their smiles and Regan’s playful slaps on Toni’s ass. She couldn’t see that jacket on her, the jacket Toni wouldn’t even let her wear and _fuck._

“You okay Shelby?” Toni’s voice carried that note of worry. 

_Pageant fricken smile Shelbs._ “Yeah I’m fine forgot my darn book from the library; I’m such an idiot hey?” She beamed at them both. “It was so nice meeting you Regan, you seem lovely. It’s nice to see Toni so happy.”

Regan smiled. “Ah, that’s what friends are for right?” 

“Yes, I guess it is.”

  
She did in fact go to the library for a solid ten minutes, trying to chip away at the fact she’d lied to her girlfriend, it didn’t help soften the lie. 

Afterward she went on a two-hour walk around campus, stopping by a food cart that made her stomach turn, and God she could not eat right now, the scent of pastries making her want to throw the heck up, as her pulse steadily increased. 

Shelby had never been a secure girl; she had always been taught there is always someone better than you waiting to take the crown, someone skinnier, funnier, and more talented. You would never be everything or it, your place was always below someone else. Just usually that someone wasn’t a gorgeous brunette with an ass for days and a gorgeous waist and fuck.

Shelby couldn’t go back; not ready to face whatever the heck that was. But the thoughts grew louder and that damn vision of Regan looking stunning and Shelby was just a fricken idiot bible basher. Hands trailed her waist, knowing she’d put on weight. Her fathers voice boomed through her head with that usual ‘do you really want to eat that?’, ‘You’re looking kind of hefty there Shelbs’ and shit she thought she had escaped all of that. She stared at her stupid cast, glaring at the thing. Her normal routine of running until she threw up wasn’t an option.

But now, as the thoughts rested on the forefront of her mind she banged on the door of the one girl who wouldn’t give her shit for what she needed to do.

“Fatin?”


	22. You Deserve Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Head & Heart by Joel Corry & MNEK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter I'm introducing Shelby's mum bitchessss (I use bitches in the politest most loving way possible.) Have a fuckin' awesome Friday guys, hydrate, tidy idk all that self-care shit. My health is kind of crap rn but I will do my best to keep to the daily posting schedule where poss, however, any hospital or Dr days I may be skipping.

**Shelby POV**

“Goodkind.” Fatin laughed as she opened the door, laughter that turned to confusion as Shelby shut herself in the toilet, door locking swiftly behind her. “You okay?”

Shelby did the one thing that she knew would shut those damn thoughts up. 

“Shit, Shelby are you okay?” The door pounded and her thoughts eased, washing her mouth at the sink. “Should I call Toni?” 

Opening the door she grabbed Fatin’s wrist. “Don’t call Toni.”

Putting the phone down she simply nodded, passing the girl a bottle of water. “Want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” The cheerleader laughed, shoving on that fake smile as she grit her teeth.

“Cut the shit Goodkind you look like shit, you just threw up in my bathroom and you don’t want me calling your girlfriend.”

“There’s nothing going on.” Pageant smile. 

“Oh, so it is okay if I call Toni?” 

Shelby clenched the water bottle. “Don’t call Toni, for Christ’s sake.” She sat on Nora’s bed, running sweaty palms through her hair. “Normally I run, that’s my thing when thoughts get loud, I run Fatin. But right now I have this stupid fucking boot that the Lord has cursed me with and I can’t run. I just can’t. And It's a complete fucking joke.”

“What thought’s Shelby?”

Looking out the window, she sighed, tired and feeling like absolute shit. She didn’t owe anyone an explanation.

“When I was in high school I had a friend who ran non stop. Not like the other girls on the team; she ran until she physically broke. Shelby, I’m not stupid, I’m concerned.”

“It hasn’t been bad for a year. Since I came up here, the therapy, the doctors. I’ve been doing so fricken good.”

Fatin moved to wrap her arms around the girl; she’d broken her ankle with a snowboard, they were at a hugging point in their friendship.

“What changed?”

Shelby didn’t know when the tears started, they were just there, falling heavy on the girl's shoulder. “Regan.”

“Hey if she said something to y-”

“No, no she’s lovely it’s just, she is SO fricken lovely.”

“You’re worried about her and Toni.”

“They used to sleep together Fatin, she wears Toni’s jacket, they act like a couple and they can be a couple in public and I can’t give her that. Regan is stunning, she’s just so damn perfect and I’m,”

“You’re absolutely fucking stunning Shelby. Genuinely sex on legs, if Toni hadn't got there first I certainly would have.”

“But Regan is,” 

“Regan is beautiful yes, but so are you, you’re stunning Shelby. Toni and Regan broke up because they were so utterly shit together. It was literally hellfire. Toni is incredibly protective, it's her best asset but it’s also her detriment. With Regan, she’d get mad or jealous or protective and Regan would fuel it until Toni was physically hurt. The same way she’s been with all her exes. Shelby around you Toni is calm as shit. Does she lose it sometimes? Yes, but with you around, she always comes back down. She loves you, Shelby. Regan is like family to me and Toni, we would hang around as the only out gay folk initially. We learned to have each other's backs, and she nicks Toni’s jacket because Toni stole it from her first, I don’t know I guess we have this unspoken family bond that yes may seem weird to outsiders but it is nothing more than friendship.”

“I trust Toni it’s just, like I know I’m not enough, you know? I’m just kind of sat there waiting for enough to come along because I know she isn’t me.” 

“You are enough.” Fatin wiped the tears and looked at her. “But not with the mascara all over your face like that, fuck let me fix that mess.”

“Where’s Regan?” Shelby placed her jacket on her bed and moved to pick out an outfit for the party tonight.

“Getting food.” Toni looked up to her with a lot more pain in her eyes than she held this morning. “Are you okay?”

“Can you help me with my dress? The boot kinda gets in the way.” 

“Yeah, sure babe.” The nickname melted her heart just ever so slightly. “So are you?”

“Everything is fine Toni.” 

The girl looked hurt by the comment. “Don’t lie Shelbs, I know your pageant smile a mile off.” 

“I was just a little jealous okay?” She handed Toni the dress.

“Of what? Regan? Shelby, I’d never,”

“I know.” She kissed her lips briefly, pulling away before the damn tears came back because Fatin would not fix her make up twice. “I know there are tonnes of cute girls out there, who are that. Out. I can’t treat you like I am and make you stay inside some stupid ass closet when every nonstraight, well to be honest even the straight girls want you, Toni. I just don’t understand why you want me.” Her voice wavered on the last word.

“Hey, I don’t want anyone else. I’m insanely fucking happy Shelby I want literally nothing but you.”  
Toni’s lips were on hers and she deepened the kiss, pushing away because her mind was loud and today she just needed some kind of peace from the torment. 

“I love you, Toni.”

“I love you too.” Toni smiled, still unsure where the hell her girlfriend's mind was at. “Let's get this over your head yeah?” 

Toni pulled it over, turning her round to pull up the zip.

“Hey I got an extra burger in case Shelby was back and wanted one,” Regan stood at the door assessing the two, shooting Toni a look that let her know she knew at least something.

“I was just fixing Shelby’s zip.”

There was that look again, one that Shelby was completely oblivious to. 

“Toni my zip?”

“Oh, yeah, sure… no problem.” She pulled the zip up with slightly trembling hands. 

“Thanks.”

“Did you want a burger?” 

She did, but she knew she couldn’t, Lord knows what that would do to her hips. “I’m good, thank you though, that’s insanely sweet of you to offer.” Regan was lovely. “Right I need to go find the team so we can head off, takes me a little while longer to get around right now.” She gestured at the boot. “You coming tonight Regan?”

“Yeah, who am I to pass up free alcohol?”

Shelby laughed, gritting her teeth slightly when Regan curled up on Toni’s pillow and hit her ass again. “That’s certainly why I’ll be there!”

The music thudded through Shelby’s chest as arms wrapped around her. She found herself squealing as the limbs pulled her in tight. “How are you doing Goodkind?”

Fatin. 

Shelby had already had her fair share of shots and palmed the girl's face, trying to figure out how she got her skins so darn flawless. 

“You’re drunk.” 

“And you are far too sober!” 

Towing the girl along behind her crutches she poured her a shot. “Drink bitch!” 

Fatin poured it down her throat with ease. “No Andrew tonight, I hope.”

“No, I actually haven't seen much of the guys team at all, I hardly know anyone here.”

  
**Toni POV**

“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?” 

“What?” Toni asked nonchalantly, not giving away a single tell the girl was searching her so desperately for. 

Toni’s eyes landed on Shelby, the girl was swaying next to Fatin, the pair clearly already drunk. It left her on edge, the last time Shelby was this drunk at a public party Andrew had…. She pulled her thoughts away, not once moving her gaze. 

“You’re in love with your roommate aren’t you?”

Spitting out her drink she shot daggers towards Regan. 

“Okay don’t get all angsty, I won’t say anything to her. She is hot as fuck though, and sweet. I can see why you do, but Toni you need to move on; nothing ever ends well with straight girls.”

_Straight girls_. The comment hit Toni and she couldn’t even reflect it. It stung in her heart knowing behind closed doors she was so fricken happy and here, Shelby was dancing with Fatin and a group of guys she had never seen before. 

Bringing the alcohol to her lips she chugged.

The more she drank the more she felt happy again, dancing with Regan like they used to in high school. Alcohol pulsed through her veins and she felt so entirely free.

  
**Shelby POV**

Regan’s hands were on Toni’s hips and she knew they were just friends. She knew it but she was drunk as shit so her brain continued to question just how sure she was. The girl had the confidence Shelby longed for, boobs for days, and a killer smile. Shelby rolled her tongue along the roof of her mouth plate, yet another thing she was yet to admit to. Hey Toni, by the way, I have an eating disorder and two of my teeth just don’t exist, fricken brilliant Shelbs.

As the lies piled up in the forefront of her brain she shifted uncomfortably. Regan’s hand smacked her ass and Toni laughed and, fuck it. Shelby Goodkind was going to start fixing the lies one by one if it fricken killed her. 

“Where are you going?” Fatin’s voice followed in her path.

“Shelby?” 

Shelby pulled the brunette into her, kissing her hard and deep with everything to try and convince herself this wouldn’t fuck her life up. 

Toni looked at her with a face of pure shock, mixed with dark eyes and a slight dopey smile. “Is it okay if I dance with my girlfriend?” 

Looking between the two of them Regan laughed. “Oh my fucking God you’re banging your straight roommate?” She went to high five Toni who looked mildly pissed. 

“No, she’s banging her very gay roommate.” Shelby smiled, the alcohol warming her head to toe. 

“Well, fuck. Didn’t see that one coming.” She seemed to think for a moment. “Does this mean I get my own bed tonight? And you guys can share because I’m a stretcher.”

Toni shook her head. “Yes, you can have my bed, Regan.” 

“Ugh score.” Regan smiled at the pair. “You’re a freakishly hot couple you know? Also Toni you’re filling me in later, but for now, I’m gonna go mingle with that girl over there.”

A girl danced against her and she smiled, kissing her neck. 

“You’re not fucking anyone in my bed Regan!” 

Toni’s eyes were on hers, dark and longing. She leaned in pressing her lips against her girlfriends, grabbing Toni’s ass as if to claim it back. 

“Woah wait.” She stepped back a pace. “Shelby I thought,” She shook her head as the alcohol took away her sentence. “I thought you didn’t want this? In public view.”

“I’ll deal with that later. You just deserve better Toni, and I want to be that better you deserve.” 

Shelby jumped into Toni’s grasp, the girl pushing her up against the wall, lifting her booted leg up. 

“Well, that’s gonna be a fun morning realization for them to deal with.” Fatin passed a shot to Leah. 

“I hate to imagine.” 

A camera flash went off in their direction. 


	23. The Scorn of Jobeth Goodkind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> In The Village by Wrabel 
> 
> TW: mentions of an eating disorder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap my internet is down again, most likely for a week (a big fuck you to the storm that hit us). I'm on tumblr gay-art-vibes , come send some rad stock market memes. Stay awesome guys, hydrate.

**Shelby POV**

The hangover pounded through her head as she reached over, pulling the sleeping form of Toni tight against her. The girl grumbled in her grasp, struggling to open her eyes. Fingertips traced her jaw aimlessly, running along soft skin and plump cheeks. Shelby wasn’t entirely sure how she had got so lucky, so comfortable and free. Regardless of her parents, she tightened her grasp on her new family, considering perhaps this is what safety and home felt like. Home felt like Toni eating Taki’s and spilling seas of crumbs across comforters, home was bubblegum toothpaste flavored lips and black coffee. Home was something she now had; in her.

“Fuck I feel like a huge fucking truck hit me last night.”

Home was the sailor's mouth.

“Is Regan here?” 

“No, she went back with that blonde girl from the party. Oh, fuck the party.”

“What about it.” Shelby pulled up her phone, aimlessly scrolling to see a picture one of the cheer girls had tagged her in. A picture of her dry humping Toni up against the wall, hands in her hair and lips on her neck. With everything hitting her she sat up, steadying herself with her palm. _Holy shit_. Her heart pounded like the backing track of Jumanji, thudding heavy and hard. Her, and Toni. Shelby was as out as Jojo Siwa in a fricken rainbow sequin dress. _**Shit.**_

“Oh fuck.”

“Shelby it’ll be fine, what are you doing, what’s wrong?” 

“I have one of the girls from cheer on my Facebook as we're in a class together and send each other shit and right now there’s a photo on my wall of,”

She held the phone up to Toni. “Oh.” 

“Yes. Oh. Fuck, Toni.” 

“Just un-tag yourself, I’m sure none of your old friends saw. It will be fine babe.”

“Toni, my parents are on my Facebook.” She wasn’t entirely sure when the tears started but they flowed down her chest, cooling the turning war of her stomach below.

“Oh fuck. Who has their parents on Facebook?”

_Me._

Phone vibrating in her hand the screen lit up. ‘Mama Bear’

“No,no,no,no.” 

“Shelby, she may just be calling to see how you are.”

Shelby knew this was no call to ‘see how she was’. Goodkind’s rarely called before ten; it’s bad manners. No, this was a call because her very right-wing, Christian mother had seen an image of her not just kissing a girl, but practically fucking her up against a fucking wall and holy shit was she screwed. She could choose not to answer, put it off and act like she just had a double, though yes her ponytail and cast were probably a dead give-away she could play dumb, unknowing. Or, Shelby Goodkind could grow a uterus and girl the fuck up, perhaps losing her life in the process.

“Hi, Mom,”

The line crackled. “Shelby dear, I’m heading up today. Do not breathe a word of this to your father.” 

The line went dead, and Shelby went to plant her head in the toilet, heaving every drip of alcohol back up, because holy fucking shit her homophobic Mom had seen her re-enacting L Word scenes on Facebook. _Fuck._

  
"Shelby, you need to stop pacing, the room is tiny you will fall over your crutches." Hands stilled her shoulders.

“Toni you should go. You don’t need to deal with this.” She didn’t want her to deal with this. Things between the pair were good, great even, but Goodkind’s had a way of dismantling happiness wherever it fell in the girl's life. After all, life was not there for Shelby to be happy, happiness was a dumb prospect for children in the playground. Life was there for Shelby to achieve, to succeed, and marry within the word of their God. Yet Shelby had rid herself of that, and for once considered the fact maybe it was not immoral to want both, happiness and success, and that maybe the word of their God was misread or construed, manipulated to harm anyone diverse.

Toni wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Nodding furiously she let herself lose her mind to the eyes of her girlfriend, kissing her just once, softly. It was a kiss so short that yet spoke volumes. She will not leave me.

The door pounded much harder than needed and her stomach wrung itself into a tight knot. Now or never Shelbs.

“Hi, mom.”

“Sit down Shelby.” The woman straightened out her blazer, hands trembling so slightly that Toni would not have noticed but Shelby, knowing her mother, saw the rage in the minute gesture. Pain.

“Mam, I,” 

“You too Toni. Now.” 

Shelby didn’t think she’d ever seen fear like it in the girl. When she was screaming in pain in the snow there was a certain fear there but this was different. Toni was uncertain. The girls sat on the bed, Shelby’s hand shaking in her girlfriend's firm grasp, Jobeth Goodkind taking a place hesitantly opposite them. 

“Mamma I,” 

“Shelby be quiet for five dang minutes.” The woman took off her white gloves and crossed her legs. “You two are dating?” 

_Oh shit. Oh, shit, oh fricken’ shit._

“Toni’s my girlfriend.” The words come out as if she were asking a mother a question, the note at the end raised in fear.

Her mother fixed her hair and shook her head. “Shelby, I know you are a dang homosexual.”

“Mam,”

“Toni please give me one dang moment to speak.” She scorned the girl and Toni curled in on herself, fits curling slightly at her side as Shelby tried to smooth the pain from them. 

“Shelby I know exactly who you are. You think I didn't notice you laughing at any pretty girl in your vicinity when you were twelve? That you rewatched Bring It On every dang day because you wanted to marry that brown-haired one that you memorized all the routines for? Then again, maybe I don’t because I don’t know who the hell this girl is sitting next to you because the only Toni I have met is southern. You broke your ankle in Minnesota when we didn’t even realize you were there. You seem to have told everyone around you that you were a homosexual and are quite happy to post it all over the Facebook for your poor dang Grandma to see, she’ll be fricken lucky if she doesn’t have a whole fricken’ heart attack,” 

“Mam,”

“We will be talking next, don’t you worry.”

Flinching, the brunette recoiled at the words.

“Mama,”

“And you hid all of this from me leading a double life because I made you feel like you had to hide everything you are and were.” Jobeth’s eyes were damp, she fixed her hair once more ignoring them. 

“Shelby, I am so, so very sorry that I made you feel like you had no place in my life, just because of who you are and who you like. We are Christian people Shelby, we are loving and strong and we love our neighbor.”

Tears streaked down the blonde's face as she looked at her mother with confusion. 

“Now your dad isn’t one to change his stance, and hell knows he’s got a whole lot of hate in him. Whilst you were in Minnesota we separated, and the divorce is being finalized as we speak. Now I will not ask you to hide this from him, but I will ask you if you do tell him to take Toni with you because Lord knows she seems like the girl who would give the man what he deserves.”

“You’re divorcing?”

“Your daddy found a much younger girl at church. So young he’s quite the cradle snatcher. The church seems to have ignored it though, and he moved on but I knew she wasn’t the only one.”

Shelby shook her head in disbelief. 

“Now Toni. You and I need to chat because I apparently have never met you. You take my daughter snowboarding and she breaks her ankle, you do things publicly with her at parties that… Shelby, I don’t care if Toni is a guy or a girl but dear Lord please hike your dress the frick down. No one in the name of grace needed to see that on the Facebook of all fricken things, Jesus doesn't need to be seeing your nasty parts. And then I find out you aren’t southern, you're from Minnesota I’m guessing?” Toni nodded. “So now it appears we have a whole dang mystery we need to clear up. I do not care if my baby girl is dating a girl, but good Lord that girl must be worthy of my Shelby, and right now I don’t think you are.”

Toni swallowed because fuck she really didn’t foresee this shit heap coming. 

“Momma,”

“Shelby the girl has a tongue she can speak for herself.”

“Mam,” Shelby traced circles on the girls now trembling hands. “I do not think I’m worthy of Shelby, but I am trying my damn- fuck, sorry- darn best to be. Your daughter is the absolute world to me and yes she got hurt in Minnesota, and yes it was my fault,”

“Toni It wasn’t your fault.”

“Shelby,” Her mother's tone was cutting.

“No Momma, it wasn’t her fault. She told me to stay seated while she grabbed her board, I wanted to go check out the ramp and someone came down said ramp and hit me. Toni boarded up my leg, made a fricken stretcher out of a garden chair, and distracted me the whole way with random stories that made me forget for one moment that my foot looked like it was doing the hokey-pokey without my body complying.” Shelby breathed through her nose centering herself. Her mother could say what she wanted to her but she would not let Toni feel worth any less than she was. “And heck yes she pretended to be someone else when you visited, can you imagine if she was her normal gay self and,”

“Okay, Shelby you’ve got your point across.”

“No, I haven’t Mom. I love her, Toni is worth so much, she is protective as heck, she makes me smile and God shes,”

“You love her?” Shelby’s mother's eyes were now entirely glassy, watered down from years of mistake after mistake raising her daughter, molding her through verbal abuse and unattainable standards. 

“Very much.” 

“Well then, would my daughter and her girlfriend like to go and get a meal?” She fixed her hair for the fiftieth time.

Toni swallowed, hand still shaking in the girl's palm. “Yes.” 

“Come on Toni, Goodkind's get ready in a flash.” She chucked the jacket- she prayed wasn’t her daughters because dear Lord it was some kind of brown khaki- at the girl and stood. Shelby could be a homosexual but dear God if she dared to wear khaki.

“If you hurt her Toni.”

“No intention of ever doing so Mam.” 

“Okay now dear Lord please stop calling me Mam I am not that old. Jobeth please.”

“Yes M… Jobeth.” 

  
“Shelby you’re not having a salad. Three of those ungodly big burger things please, Sir.”

“Mom,”

“No Shelby. Your daddy was an idiot that instilled some imbecile eating habits in you and we are breaking them. It is not unladylike to eat a fricken burger. If it gets here and you just want a salad that’s fine it comes with the dang burger but my child will have the fricken choice.” She put her menu down, glancing at her from head to toe. “Toni, how is Shelby eating?” 

Shelby rolled her eyes, slumping into the seat as low as it could take her because this was one of the things they were yet to broach. “Mom,”

“What do you mean Mam? Sorry, Jobeth. Old habits die hard.” 

“She doesn’t know?” Jobeth raised a brow.

Playing with her coke she shook her head because no; Toni didn’t have a fricken clue. 

“Well are you going to tell her or should I talk about my floral arrangement class? I’m fine with either.”

“I’ll tell her later Mom. I’m eating fine.” 

Jobeth eyed her daughter with worry. She had clearly put on some weight but was still pale as if she hadn’t eaten that day, then again, with the thought of coming out to her mother, eating probably wasn’t high up on the list.

“Shelby?”

“It’s fine Toni. We’ll talk later.” Shelby smiled at her, pinching her nose and making the brunette blush. 

It felt completely strange to her; comical even. Her mother that she spent her life fearing was trying to feed her burgers and chat with her girlfriend. Her mother was accepting of her life and herself. She knew to the core this would never be something she would share with her dad. He was cruel and hell-bent on doing things his way; something that she didn’t think she’d ever stop fearin’. But Shelby didn’t fear the loss of her father, at this point she almost accepted it. She would tell him; eventually, just to check she was right, and acknowledge that the distance was his fault not her. People did change, but those people weren’t Dave Goodkind. 

“Shelby stop playin’ with your coke like a four-year-old. Tell me about school, about your studies. Tell me about Toni because she’s a bit of a closed book.”   
Jobeth looked to the brunette and winked.

Toni continued to eat her burger like she hadn’t eaten in days, mainly because, _fuck she was hungover as shit._

“So your mother is quite the… Enigma?”

“Does that mean scary as shit?”

Chuckling, Toni dropped to the bed. “It certainly does. I’m not one to get scared but fuck I genuinely could have wet myself at multiple points today.”

Shelby played with her fingers. “So I need to talk to you, Toni,”

“That’s never a good conversation starter…”

“What?”

“You know that's normally how people lead before they dump someone's ass, the whole its not you it's me blah blah blah,”

“Oh God, no Toni. I, I had an eating disorder. Well, I have one. I see a therapist, have a weight management doctor,” Shelby sat. “I swear I’m doing well right now, I haven’t relapsed since, well Regan,”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m just really dumb.” Shelby felt the water in her eyes and the girl's thumbs pushed it away, looking into her with nothing but concern. “I just got really jealous of her, it was uncalled for, it was more because I was pissed I was making you hide in the closet… I guess I convinced myself you would be better off with her, then my brain does this thing where I convince myself I can fix it, but the means don’t really fix anything at all.”

“Shelby, God, no me and Regan,”

“Awful together because you’re so angry as a couple.” Shelby nodded. “Fatin said.” 

“Fatin?”

“Yeah, I threw up in her bathroom. I normally, well, running is my coping habit. It’s what made me so ill, when I have a breakdown I run until I physically can’t,” Wiping mascara onto her sleeve she swore under her breath. _Ugh, fuck non-waterproof mascara_. “Anyhow I have this damn boot, so no running, so throwing up was the next option, I couldn’t come here ‘cause Regan, and public bathrooms are gross, so Fatin let me in.” 

“Shelby, God I’m so sorry I had no fucking idea.” Toni wrapped herself around the girl.

“Okay, while we're lighting this horse shit heap of a fire, one more thing though.” She took out her mouth plate, holding the two canine teeth up to the girl. “They just never grew in, I know I should have said something but God I feel like such a freak without,”

Toni kissed her, slowly.

“I don’t know I think you look pretty damn cute. I knew something was up, my tongue has been in your mouth one hell of a lot remember? Plus you always go to the bathroom before and after a meal like clockwork.” 

She put them back in and rolled her eyes because of course Toni was completely nonchalant about the one thing she hated most about herself.

“Do you ever play tricks? Put them on people's lasagne? Could be a dope signature move Texas.”

Laughter rippled through her as Toni pushed her over. “I love you, Shelby Goodkind. Just talk to me okay? I just want to make sure I help. If Regan is too mu,”

“Regan’s fine, she’s kinda lovely actually. I was just having a moment. And God she hits your ass so much and that ass has my dang name on it. Both fricken cheeks.”

Toni passed her a marker. 

“What in Earths name are you doing?”

Pulling her boxers down she lied on the bed. “You need to mark your property.” 

Putting the pen to the girl's cheek she began to write on her ass. 

‘Toni’s ass, property of Shelby Goodkind.’

“Did you just dot the ‘I’ in my name with a heart?”

“You will never know.”


	24. The First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Yoko Ono by Mob Rich

**Toni POV**

Toni awoke to blonde hair pooling against her face and the calming scent of Shelby’s- greatly overpriced- perfume. It was comforting for all of five minutes before realization dawned on her. She now had a very out girlfriend who she needed to treat as such, suddenly movie dates in bed weren’t going to cut it. 

Shalifoe’s don’t usually panic. But there she laid, staring at the chip marks on the ceiling. _Fuck she had to up her game_. However Toni’s usual game probably wasn’t up her street, and most outcomes would involve chipped nails and bruises. Tomahawk throwing, cheap burger joints, paintballing and the movies weren’t going to cut it with the girl who spent four hours getting a manicure the other day. No, Toni had to find some cute ass shit to woo Shelby with. The only problem with that? Nothing about what Toni was or did even landed close to ‘cute’, and she was far from experienced in wooing.

“Morning.”

“Morning.” She turned, kissing her girlfriend's nose, and returned her stressed gaze to the ceiling.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on in that cute lil’ head of yours?” The words mumbled against her neck, causing her to shiver. 

“I want to take you on a date.” _Fuck almighty the words were fucking out there._

“What?”

“A date, like that wild thing that couples do where they go somewhere toge- Ow what the hell?” Toni rolled over to glare at the girl that pinched her boob. 

“I know what a fricken date is Toni.” 

“And?”

“And yes I would like that.” Her face contorted, hands nervously worrying the blanket. “Sorry, I’m still adjusting to the whole being out thing. I just feel weird.”

“Bad weird?”

“No, not bad weird, just, all my life I’ve had to be this person who I didn’t know, and now I’m finally… well, me.” Shelby grinned. “It just feels kind of unreal, like this fantasy I watched but would never be apart of. It just feels completely fricken surreal.” Lips brushed against her girlfriends. “So what did you want to do?”

She stammered, body freezing in fear. “That's uh, that is a secret.” And fuck it was a great secret because Toni didn’t even know.

“Could you and Shelby please stop dropping in whilst my girlfriend's head is in between my legs? You’re disturbing my aura!” 

“Babe please stop telling people when we’re having sex.” Leah pulled a shirt on.

“Lea, you know I’m open with this shit. Don’t you dare leave I’m ordering takeout.” Fatin kissed her girlfriend. “What do you want Toni, you have five fucking minutes. Call next time.”

“I did call.”

“Thirty minutes ago whilst I was enjoying my third orgasm, I need time to come down then I will call you the fuck back.”

"Babe!" Leah hid her reddening cheeks in her palms.

“Okay, too much info, Fatin.” She grimly shuddered at the thought. 

“So what’s the emergency this time? You two have more drama than modern-day Ellen.”

“I’m taking Shelby on a date.” 

Leah burst out laughing in the corner, silencing when the brunette looked like she was fully prepared to cut her. “Sorry, just, why is that an issue?”

“Because I don’t do girly shit. I don’t even know how to wow girly girls. I throw axes and shit. I've never dated,”

“A living barbie doll?” 

“Exactly so I’m coming to you because,”

“Because I’m the only other posh barbie you know? Ugh fine.” Fatin crossed her legs, sitting on the bed and patting the one opposite. “Step into my office bitch.”

“Bitch doesn’t seem very professional to use in the off-”

“Sit the fuck down Toni.”

“Jesus, Fine.”

“There are three key date categories, food, physical activity and nonphysical activity.” 

Fatin was sat in a Korn t-shirt. Toni didn’t dare poke holes about how Fatin used to say rock was the music for people without joy. Fatin was now a whipped as fuck metalhead.

“I suggest you go with light food like fro-yo or a salad/smoothie bar, maybe sushi. Then after take her to do some cute stuff. I don’t know, ice skating, movies, art galleries, museums, somewhere you’ll feel comfortable but so will she. As for the axe throwing, I would still do that, just maybe not on the first date. Shelby looks like she could work an axe.”

“Okay.”

“Chill, you’ve got this.”

“Yeah. I’ve got this.” The words came out lacking any and all confidence.

“Stop smoothing out your pants you look cute.”

“I don’t think you’re meant to see me before a date… Isn’t it like bad luck?”

“That’s weddings dummy.” Shelby’s lips met her lip, her teeth biting the flesh before soothing the mark with her tongue.

“Hey, I did not put on good clothes just to take them back off.” 

Shelby sighed. “Fine, let's go.” 

  
Shestared at Shelby across from the table at the smoothie bar. Toni took her somewhere low key with salads and smoothies, slightly unsure of where Shelby would feel comfortable eating out at, taking both her dentures and eating disorder into account, it was something she’d broach and figure out later.

However what pressed to the front of her mind at this point was that she had no fricken clue if she could hold the girl's hand, kiss her or call her babe; so there she sat, hands firmly squished under her ass to stop them from momentarily reaching out, with all the awkwardness of posing for a school photo. The nerves twisted at her stomach, noting the girl opposites slight discomfort. It was the first time they had been anywhere like this, just the two of them; apart from when Shelby met her pissed off at the diner. Memories of the anger between them still hung in the forefront of her thoughts; willing herself to make up for any distress and pain they began with. She didn’t want this to be an issue; like it was with Regan. Her rage, her ability to zone out and distance… she wanted the close comfort of the girl who laid with her at night.

“I can hear you thinking from over here Toni, what’s up?”

Playing with the straw she looked intently at the mango smoothie in front of her. “I just, I want to hold your hand but I get if that’s not a good fuckin ide-,”

A hand reached across the table, stilling hers that still played with the straw, fingers intertwining with her own. “I want this Toni. Will it take some gettin’ used to? Yes. But I want all of you. Wherever we are.” Shelby’s hand shook lightly, her eyes darting around clearly worried of observers.

Her hand held on tight to the other girl, scared that at any point this might break, she might change or something would come between them as something always did in Toni’s life. The never-ending uncertainty that seemed to live in her shadow, watching and waiting to separate her from that which she held dear. 

“Okay.” 

“So where are we going?” 

Toni could barely focus on anything the girl said, too busy grinning at all the passers-by as she held the blonde’s hand, like ‘ _yes mother fuckers, she’s mine._ ’ She stopped, pulling the hand of the girl back and looking up. “Here.”

Shelby’s eyes met the weathered small sign above the dark-framed windows. 

‘Sadie’s.’ The 'S' was scratched away and barely visible.

“Come on.”

“What is this?”

Pulling the girl through the threshold, Toni smelled that smell she loved so God damn much, the heavenly smell of books. 

“Toni!”

“Sadie!” 

An old woman maneuvered from behind the desk that until this point the blonde hadn’t even noticed. Her thick rimmed glasses appeared all too big for her face, her bright clothes contradicting the serene setting. 

“Oh, so you brought a girl? Should I ask a name or hide behind the desk again?”

Letting out a laugh she squeezed the girl's hand lightly. “This is my girlfriend Shelby.”

“Oh, so you’ve been holdin’ out on me? Glad the girl has met someone, though I don’t know how you deal with this pain in the arse.” She winked at the blonde. 

“Shelby this is Sadie, she owns the store, it’s one of the oldest LGBT+ book stores in the state. All the books here are LGBT focussed.”

Shelby simply gawked, mainly because the girl was shocked there were this many queer books around that she had literally no clue even existed. 

“Nice to meet you.” Shaking her hand she noted the rainbow nail polish on the eclectic woman’s hands, her smile warm and inviting.

“Nice to meet you too darlin’. Maybe you can give this girl a push, I’ve been trying to strong-arm her into accepting a part time position here. Flexible hours you know?”

“I know.” Toni laughed, she was considering it, but it was a fair commute that would slightly eat into her schedule. 

“I’ll leave you two to browse. And no making out in front of the classics, Virginia would be rolling in her grave!”

Pulling the girl along Shelby giggled into her ear.

“You gonna take the job?”

The corner of her mouth tugged slightly as they fell deeper into stands. “Maybe. We’ll talk about that later, but for now.” She angled the girl towards the stand marked ‘Religion’ in a barely legible black pen scrawl. “I know you’re religious Shelby, I know it was something I found hard at first but it’s something I now realize brings you life, safety and understanding. Whilst I’m not religious I get it. And I know as much as you hide it you’ve been struggling.”

Shelby cast her eyes down. Toni gripped the girl's chin, pulling her face back up to meet her own. 

“All of these, they’re texts mostly by gay and trans religious folk, they’re all texts diving into the bible, correcting mistakes and presumptions showing you, as a gay person you still have a place within your religion. There’s also some looking at incorrect translations that are used to harm gay folk, bibles that highlight acceptance and resource listings for local LGBT churches.”

The girl ran her hand along the spines. 

“The top two shelves are Christianity, I don’t know if they’re any good but,”

“It’s perfect.” Lips melded to her own, her stomach fluttering slightly at the momentary contact. 

Shelby poured through the texts, spending a whole hour reading blurbs and chapter titles, reading random bible verses aloud as if rediscovering them, putting together a collection that weighed down Toni’s arms. 

“Okay, I’m done.” 

“Great, next fiction. They have a whole vampire section and I know how you love lesbian vampires.”

A punch landed on her shoulder and arms wrapped around her waist. “Did I ever mention that I love you?”

“No, I don’t think so? Maybe you should say it again just so I’m sure.” 

“She’s right you are a pain in my ass.” 

  
By the time they got to the checkout eight books sat in the girl's arms, _and fuck they were heavy as shit_. 

“You sure you got enough there?”

Shelby blushed, casting her eyes out the window. 

“You know when Toni came here first she would sit readin’ in the isle for hours and I had to almost smack the girl because she never bought a damn thing.”

Pulling at her sleeves Toni looked into the isles, remembering just how pissed the woman had been. That changed fairly quickly to respect after she realized Toni had reorganized the classic fiction for her, placing the titled a shelf down so they were accessible to younger people too.

“How often do you come here?” Shelby looked at the girl, realizing they had little idea of what one another did outside of the dorm and schooling. 

“A lot,” Sadie answered smiling at the brunette. Pushing forward the paper she handed Toni a pen. 

“What is this for?”

“Leave your number. Your girl can strong-arm you into it but you would be great here child. Never have I met a girl with such great knowledge of classic and modern queer literature. You have a gift, it would be a shame to waste it.” She knocked a finger on the metal sign behind her that read ‘Youth Group Wednesdays’. “We get a lot of youngsters coming in here for guidance who don’t want to take it from a sixty-year-old lass. Not that I can blame them, I don’t even know what a Hayley Kiyoko is.”

Toni scribbled her number down, moving to quickly pay for the blonde’s books. 

“I can pay.”

“It’s my date, I’ve got it.” Toni paid, wincing internally at the total. She would be taking the job. 

“Did you have a good time?” 

Fingers pulled her head quickly into the blonde’s, teeth pulling harshly at her bottom lip. 

“Is that a yes?” Toni mumbled between their faces. 

“Yes.” Shelby put her crutches down, sitting on the bed. “Why are you so worried? Aren’t you the big bad Toni Shalifoe?” 

She sat behind her, pulling her back against her chest, it was the comfiest way to sit for Shelby considering the boot. “I uh, I don’t do dates. Maybe like a couple of times but they weren’t like you. I just took them somewhere I wanted to check out. I figured next time we can go to this art museum downtown, they have a really great abstract exhibition on right now that focuses on queer artists. I’m not trying to make you do everything gay, it’s more I want you to get a taste of the culture. Your culture.” Toni wasn’t sure if she had any clothing suitable for a museum, she couldn’t actually think of a place where she would feel more out of her depth; but Shelby would love it, so, so would she.

“Babe, I don’t think you get how much today meant to me. Honestly going out and holding your hand I was scared as heck. It’s not within me to be so… me? If that makes sense. It’s unsettling and unknown and new and, Toni, today you made me feel like the most me I’ve felt in my life. I was a little scared we were going somewhere open and public and I didn’t want to draw attention. I just don’t like standing out. But that store? Is it weird for me to say that it made me want to draw attention?” 

Laughing into her hair, Toni grinned. “No, that’s kind of what I was hoping. We uh, we definitely had different upbringings. Whilst I don’t recommend the whole drugs and homelessness thing, I was at least lucky to be raised in a town where I had a community. When I and Fatin came out, we got all our advice and help from the guy who worked at the local adult toys store. He gave us books on identity, he recommended shows and media, LGBT+ youth groups, he just, he really helped us out and for that, we were really fucking lucky.”

“When you say adult toys?”

“Yeah it was a sex shop.”

“Huh.”

“A lot of the community work them, I don’t know, guess we get kinda used to being comfortable talking about sex when that’s all hetero people ask us about.”

Shelby laughed. “Wait have you been in one?” Her face turned to shock as she turned her waist to meet the girl's eyes. 

“Shelby I’ve been out most of my life, of course, I have. Plus once Fatin was dating this girl, long story short she got stuck in some cuffs and I had to go buy a secondary key because the safety catch failed. She’ll never live it down. I'll also never live down the memory of trying to brush the whipped cream off of the fucking cuffs.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry did I, does that make you feel weird about me?”

“No, I just, maybe we could go? You know… together?”

“Oh.

“Yeah.”

_Well, fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My internet is still down, whilst I'm posting via a hotspot this week I don't know how long my 4g will last. RIP. Have a great week guys. Tumblr gay-art-vibes


	25. Sadie's Book Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Papaoutai by Stromae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my health has been hella rough lately and my mind is mush. I'm taking a break with this fic for a short period while I plan out the next set of chapters, however, I will still be posting daily between the Leah/Fatin fic, and also will be posting a new Toni/Shelby Airport fic I've been working on at 2 AM when my brain is running wild, I'm guessing that will finish up around the 20k mark so is just a short piece for you guys.

**Toni POV**

Fiddling with the bit of paper in her hands, she stared down at the now worn away number. After some persistent encouragement from her girlfriend, she had decided to finally call Sadie, securing a job that started today. 

She wasn’t one for nerves especially when it revolved around work, but she felt a certain nag in her mind to do this well; to make Sadie proud. Though Toni had only known the woman for a short period of time she held a place in her heart, almost like a family figure she never had the chance to have. Sadie would care for her even making an extra hot chocolate on days where Toni lingered in the classics, somehow deciphering the weight that was on her mind without the need to vocalize the thoughts. 

So she pressed down the blazer she had brought, though she styled it formally with pants and a t-shirt, she felt professional enough to be taken seriously by customers. However, the nerves still grew, and as she looked at the blazer she wondered if she had time to change and to re-read the info Sadie had sent her a hundred times more. 

“You look fine babe, you’re gonna do great. Stop overthinkin’ it okay? I can hear your brain cogs whirring from over here.” Shelby walked up behind her, dropping her crutches as she snaked her arms around the girl's waist. 

“I know it’s just,”

“Sadie means a whole damn lot to you huh?” 

“She’s a good person. I don’t want to mess this up.”

“You won’t.” Leaning down to meet the brunette's lips, she went ahead fixing the stray curls of her hair. “You look stunning. You should really wear a blazer more often Shalifoe, giving me sexy librarian vibes over here.” 

She chuckled. Shelby had a way of grounding her, even small touches bringing a wave of calm; a constant Toni was never used to. It was welcomed and something she now hated being without. 

“Okay I’m gonna go. Don’t burn the place down, you know candles aren’t allowed. If you set off the smoke alarm-”

“It was one candle dang it! And you agreed it made the place smell great, I love you but I don’t want our room smelling like you after basketball practice. I swear I’m getting a safe to lock those damn shoes in.” 

“Are we having a domestic right now?” Toni smiled. 

“You’re so dramatic. Have a good day, I won’t burn anything down until you return.”

  
“Toni!” 

Walking through the door Sadie turned, immediately dropping a large pile of books into her arms. “Right these are the new releases. They need the price labels printed out and placed on the binding, I’ll show you how to do that now, then they need placing on the shelf. We normally try and review what we can of the new books so you’ll have a few free samples to take home and work through. Jake set us up with a website but hell knows how that works. Think he was pulling y damn leg. Anyway, you’re a young one, you’ll know so I’ll pass you the login details for that later. It's bland right now so feel free to suggest anything that would make it any more, I don’t know what you kids say now… hip?”

Laughing, she set the pile of books on the desk. Sadie was very full on but Toni kind of liked her take no shit attitude. Reminded her slightly of herself. 

As it turned out, labeling and organizing books was the simple part, slightly boring perhaps as Toni’s brain wasn’t fond of repetition. The mundane was broken up as she served customers, realizing just how busy the store got during the day, she rarely came here any time but late afternoon in the lulls and silence. The bustle of the store kept a smile on her face, the customers, people she felt safe and secure around knowing most were like her, not quite fitting into society's standards one way or another. 

By five the store was silent and Sadie headed down to the attic to open up new shipments, leaving Toni to simply man the desk. She crushed a post-it note in her hands, flicking it across the table to a makeshift goal she fashioned out of pencils. 

The faint ring of the bell drifted through the air and she looked up, small features meeting her own. 

“Uh, hi.” 

“Hey.” Toni smiled. 

“Is Sadie here?” The girl looked fifteen at most, her shoulder-length hair a strange shade of green, a gym bag slung over her shoulder. 

“She’s in the attic but will be out in five, if it’s urgent I can grab her?” 

The girl swallowed and walked over to the beanbag chair, slumping into it with a weight of defeat. “I can wait.” 

She folded her arms, guarded. 

So Toni flicked the paper football at her. 

“Hey!”

“Sorry mind of its own, want to chuck it back?”

The girl rose, huffing as if put out, placing the ball back on the table. After she sat Toni flicked it right back at her.

“What the fuck?” 

“Didn’t your mum tell you it's bad to swear?” Toni looked at her smugly. 

“Nah she’s in dead.” 

Toni summed her up, recognizing the same pissed off youth she had held, a wave of immediate anger for the outside world apparent in every look and her posture. “Same.”

The girl eyed her curiously. “How?” 

“Drugs.” 

The girl nodded, green hair flopping in her face. “Same.” She seemed to pause, her mouth contorting slightly as if considering broaching a subject. “Are you uh, are you gay?” 

Chuckling at the drastic change in the subject she held her hands out. “Ball.” The girl threw the ball back to her. “Extremely.” 

“Yeah, I guessed.” 

“Oh, how is that?”

“You’re working in Sadie’s shop. I’ve never seen anyone straight working here. New though, right?”

Summing up the girl Toni chucked the ball back to her. “Yeah, I’m new. How do you know all this? Should I be worried? Are you FBI?” She rose a brow and the girl cackled. “What’s your name anyway?”

“Bly.” She stood up looking at the samples pile, picking through before pulling one out and returning to the beanbag, upon seeing Toni’s confused look she cracked it open, tuning through the pages. “Sadie is my guardian. Got kicked out my dad when he found out I was gay, she took me in, kind of a fucking awesome person to be honest.” 

Sadie was a guardian? 

“Toni! Ahh, I see you’ve met Bly.” She turned to the young girl. “Toni reminds me a lot of you kid, an absolute pain in the ass.” 

“Hey!” Toni hid the paper ball in the bin. 

“Sadie, what have I said about nicking samples before I add them to the list?” 

The girl closed the book. “I’ve been waiting on this one.” 

“Fine. But put it back in that pile when you’re done okay? Seems to be a lot going missin’ and I know it's you kid!” She passed the girl a sandwich and looked to Toni. 

“These are the books for review, I let Bly review for the website, she could do with some help on that front though.” She raised her voice. “She has EXAMS to pass and needs to be listening to her teachers not nosing in books all day!” 

“I know, I know, God.” 

Bly looked at Sadie with a fondness that melted the brunette's heart, they were clearly close.   
“I didn’t know you were a guardian?”

Sadie placed the books by the desk. “I try and foster or act as a guardian for LGBT+ kids in need with my friend Ben. Ben is a good twenty years younger than me, he’s asexual and trans and a bloody good role model. Works as a lawyer because he’s fancy as shit; a brilliant friend of mine. We had space, and there is a lot of kids like you in need. God knows I was one of them growin’ up. You know how it is, if we can give back to people like us we always will. Plus Bly is a genius which is a whole ass help when I get stuck with the accounting.” 

“I work here part-time, mostly on web stuff. Sadie pays me, even though I told her not to.”

“Child if you work you get paid. All that money will help when you get to college you know?” 

“I know.” She rolled her eyes. “Wait until you meet Jake, Toni.” 

“Who’s Jake?” 

“We foster two kids right now, Bly and Jake. Jake is trans, Bly is as gay as the day is new.” 

“Hey!” 

“Sorry, did you want to disagree with that?”

“Nah it’s accurate.” Sadie smiled at her. 

“See, pain in the ass like you Toni. You’ll fit right in here.” Craning her neck she looked at the clock. “You know you can go now, right?”

Drumming her fingers on the desk she looked at her phone. “Yeah Shelby should be here soon we’re heading out for food.”

“Oh is that the pretty blonde who has you wrapped around her finger?” 

“Yes, that would be my girlfriend.”

“She seemed kind of tense here last week, she doin’ okay?” Sadie peered over her thick glasses. 

“She’s newly out, from a very Christian household. Her dad, he uh wouldn’t accept her so it’s all a bit new and weird for her right now.” 

“We’ve all been there.” Bly met her gaze with soft eyes. “She’ll come around with time.” 

  
Toni paced, heart jumping as the bell finally rung. “Shoot sorry I’m late babe the lecture carried over then the cab was late then,”

“It’s fine.” 

“So she’s the pretty blonde?” Bly’s voice carried and Shelby finally noted the girl masked by the massive beanbag chair, head barely sticking out. 

“Oh, I don’t know ‘bout pretty.” Shelby tutted. “And who might you be?”

“Bly.” The girl opened her book again. 

“Sadie is fostering Bly and a boy named Jake. Bly is a massive pain in the ass.” She shot the girl a smug look.

“You haven’t met Jake yet. Absolute fucking breeze I am.” 

Toni chucked another paper ball at her.

“Dude cut it out!” Sadie lobbed it right back at her face. 

“Right I’m out, don’t get lost in a pile of books or suffocate in the beanbag chair. I think it’s only for ages seven up that, you sure you’re tall enough for the ride?” 

“Fuck off.” Blue eyes softened. “Enjoy your date, gay Toni.” 

“Enjoy your beanbag, gay Bly.” 

They shared a smile and Toni finally felt at home in a place other than their dorm. This job would be everything she needed. 

“So gay Toni, enjoy your day?” Shelby sat on the plush chair of the diner, stirring her milkshake. 

“Oh god, not you too.” 

The blonde laughed, intertwining her hands with her own. “No, but really how’s it go?”

“It went really fucking well Shelbs,” The smile lit up her face. “I just, I feel so at home there, the customers are mostly from our community and are just so relaxing to chat to and help. I had recommendations for most of them, definitely could do with your help with the Christian help books though I have no idea what’s best there and we had five people coming in asking for them today alone.”

“So you enjoyed your first day?”

“I loved my first day.” She ran the flesh of her fingertips over soft knuckles. 

“And Bly?” 

Toni rose a brow momentarily. “Bly is annoyingly smart. Too good for her own self, to be honest, she’s a smart talker too with a mouth like,”

“You?”

Toni rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like me.” 

Shelby’s fingers tensed in her own, just for a fraction of a second. “Do you uh, did you want kids when you grow up?” 

Toni’s hand was now the one to tense, slightly spitting out the milkshake in her mouth, caught off guard, but the blonde's eyes were glassy, soft, and warm. “Had you have asked me a year ago I would have said hell no, but now…” She played with a sugar packet in her hand. “I would like kids.”

“Multiple?”

“Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t mind a couple.” 

The brunette didn’t think she’d ever seen the girls smile so bright. “I’d like that too. In the future.” Her mouth moved, then paused. “Did you want to have kids or adopt or foster?” 

Toni dropped the sugar packet. “Both maybe, adopt and have one of our own I guess.”

“One of OUR own?” Shelby raised a brow and Toni spluttered, reddening in the face. 

“I just mean I don’t want to carry but if you did I would be fine with that, however, I would really want to adopt too. There’s a lot of kids out there struggling, fostering is great but I’d love to give a kid like me somewhere safe permanently. If we had enough space we could maybe foster one also. I don’t know I honestly hadn’t paid it much thought. Why are you bringing this up now anyhow? Are you due on?” 

Shelby laughed because yes, she was due on her period, she knew how mushy she got for that week, and yes she was in that week of looking at kids like they were sweet angels and not some evil hell rats. But then again, Shelby couldn’t think of a future she’d love more than a family with the girl. “Bly, she just, she reminded me of you, and I wouldn’t mind having a little pissed off Toni runnin’ around ya know? Later on. I’d love that. Plus the way she was with you, you’re just great with kids and I never realized or even thought about it but now,” The corner of her mouth turned up. “I think eventually I’d like that with you Shalifoe.”

“I think I’d like that too.” Toni squeezed her fingers.

“Maybe once we get a place we should just start with a dog first though?” Shelby spoke as if slightly scared of what the future would bring.

“A dog sounds perfect.” 

Whilst Toni knew it could be masses of exams before they could even contemplate this, she knew it was there waiting in the distance for her to grow into, and for once she felt like she had a future. 

Though she couldn’t tell you what it would be, she could tell you who she planned it with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay rad, hydrate, and have a great week!
> 
> art3myse has compiled a Spotify playlist using each chapter song inspo from my fic. you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7H3ncEyc1qrrjUhkpXtRyj?si=174LfCKtS_66aajtVZdzEQ


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